T O P

AITA for making a mom look bad to her kid when I didn’t lie for her?

AITA for making a mom look bad to her kid when I didn’t lie for her?

Judgement_Bot_AITA

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Ropeslug

NTA. That’s part of parenting and she’s gotta get used to it. She’s got quite a few more years of telling her kid “no.”


Gabby_Craft

Agreed. The kid doesn’t sound bad since he isn’t stealing or anything, but his mom needs to tell him no herself and OP shouldn’t lie just so his mom isn’t the bad guy. EDIT: OP says he sometimes begs or gets really sad but I still say no one’s wrong here other than the mom since it’s her job to teach him.


TheDiceLady

Been on both sides of this. You are NTA. You say "sorry kiddo your mom has rules. She wants you to be healthy You are a still a kid, so she gets to make the rules for you. When you get older, you can eat whatever you like, but for now you gotta follow mom's rules." Mom should relax just a little bit, but that's on her. He's not living in Mtn Dew and chicken nuggets so so far it's win. 🤣


[deleted]

>He's not living in Mtn Dew and chicken nuggets so so far it's win. 🤣 someone should let her know that if she doesn't lighten up, that'll be all he eats when he moves out. its super common for people to overindulge on things they weren't allowed to have as kids.


tourmaline82

Can confirm, my mom put me on diets starting at 10. You better believe that once I had my own money, I bought ALL the junk food.


producerofconfusion

I think my mom suggested weight watchers to me for the first time around 11? So yeah I feel you.


limbosalt

I remember drinking slimfast for lunch in 5th grade. I always peeled the label off so the other kids wouldn’t make fun of me.


producerofconfusion

You are giving me flashbacks! I had it for breakfast and felt very grown up. I would get a salad for lunch with no dressing. It was normal to always be hungry.


tourmaline82

I absolutely hate and fear hunger now because I had to live with it for so long. I buy more food than I need and hide some of it just in case.


awonder1608

I got put on Atkins at 10 and was told if I gained a pound I couldn’t see my grandma.


producerofconfusion

Oh honey, that’s awful. 💗


Kerrytwo

My mam was really strict when me and my older sister were small. I don't think my sister was ever crazy about sweets. I was for a little while when I first had my own money but I still don't really like sugar or fatty crap foods now. My younger sister on the other hand missed all the strict parenting and thinks nothing of living off bread, sausages, crisps and Coke. So not everyone will react the same. I think it definitely gave me a lower tolerance for shitty sugary foods because they were never my go to growing up


AllForMeCats

Same here, my parents were health food nuts but such amazing cooks that junk food frankly tastes like… well, junk in comparison. I’m not a bad cook myself thanks to them, and make a lot of vegetable-based food. I do snack a bit though; my current indulgence is rice cakes 😂


Diznygurl

My husband grew up only being allowed to eat VERY healthy food. He would go to his aunts house and fill up on candy. That's just what kids do. It's best to teach them how to make good choice of their own.


FeuerroteZora

Oh gods, *this*. We always ate very healthy at home, and when I was in college, for about a year, I would regularly eat an entire bag of Doritos with french onion dip (I know, *I know*, that's gross!) for dinner. I mean, eventually the pendulum swung back to the middle, but damn, I went to town on junk food for a while.


witch59

Nacho cheese Doritos with French Onion Dip sounds delicious right now. I might have to run to the store as soon as I feed the dogs and cats.


iridescentpanda1027

Can confirm, my father in law is one of the pickiest eaters bc his parents MADE him sit down and not leave the table until he finished something. Now he won't eat anything healthy, only eats pork, sugary cereals and soda. "because he's an adult" \*eyeroll\* ​ My mom was the opposite: she LOVED having all kinds of snacks in the house JUST IN CASE she was in the mood for anything. Now, I am the same, love snacks, but I always forget about eating them and pigging out!


NoApollonia

Exactly! I totally get wanting the kid to eat healthy say 90% of the time, but sounds like his mom would never let the kid have any treats or junk food. Sounds pretty miserable to me....and she's setting the kid up to have a terrible relationship with food later on. The occasional ice cream (OP mentions no actual food issues or allergies) or pizza or cereal (this one is insane to me) is not going to hurt the kid - she should be teaching moderation.


PolyamMermaid

Yep. I *STILL* have disordered eatinf habits at 32 after years of therapy and working on it.


I_mean_yeah_ok

ME TOO.


PrettyLilPeacock

One day, when my kids were about 6 and 9, took all of their Halloween candy and put it in one of the (easily reachable) kitchen drawers. I then notified my daughters that they no longer had to ask if they wanted candy. They could eat all the candy they wanted, whenever they wanted. Two days later, they were both sick. I refilled the candy drawer and went about my way without saying anything. To this day, my oldest daughter doesn't eat a lot of candy, and doesn't keep it in her house. My youngest has her own candy drawer, but still doesn't eat much candy, she just likes to have it on hand.


many_paths_to_tread

I absolutely love this idea! My daughter is going through an odd food phase but has her addictions (goldfish, chips and lollipops, etc). She's big enough and smart enough to help herself to every cabinet in the house and it is nearly impossible to hide anything from her. (Like marshmallows during the holidays or bags of chips). We found this out with non-food items... I might just create her a snack drawer. Perhaps she'll develop her own control instead of "sneaking" foods.


PrettyLilPeacock

Nothing was off limits at my house, and, in fact, if I noticed my kids were gravitating toward a particularly unhealthy food, I would "encourage" them to "eat as much as they want". They would usually overindulge; feel sick; and lose their taste for that particular food.


many_paths_to_tread

My daughter grows like a weed, by that I mean she's literally grown almost a foot in a year. And has some crazy growth spurt stages were she'll out-eat her teenage boy cousins. She's also high functioning with a lot of taste/texture sensitivity so she only has select foods she will eat. there's some pretty basic variety to it but she's not big on a lot of "healthy" foods so I encourage what she will eat and she does eat some of the fruits and veggies at school. Fortunately, with a few exceptions, she doesn't really do candy (mostly she prefers bakery items), drinks water or zevia (basically carbonated, flavored water) and maybe an occasional lollipop. Its mostly other junk foods like cookies, chips, goldfish. I think I might put those in redi-grab baggies and put them in a basket or something since she often snacks all day once she gets home from school. Perhaps it'll help keep track of her junk food intake... I appreciate the idea


allenna

I was forbidden soda and sugary snacks for a good swath of my childhood (because they still thought sugar caused ADHD or something), so when I got it I'd over indulge. Still fighting it into adulthood because now my brain has associated carbonation with 'happy feelings'. (thank god for flavored carbonated waters)


GundamGirl94

I feel personally attacked by this comment lol Mostly cause you are 100% correct. My family growing up had take out as a rarity and unhealthy snacks were rare as well. The second I moved out I did a 180 with food and it was really bad.


littlegingerfae

I was starved as a kid, but most of all NEVER allowed candy. Guess who has a raging candy/sugar addiction :/


AllForMeCats

My workaround for this as a kid was to take my allowance to the corner store, buy candy, and hide it behind the garage 😂


Schuld6

My husband went crazy when we could finally buy his own food once he was an adult. For years he only ate junk food, he’s better now but the man still keeps a stupid amount of candy in the house (which my nephew loves lol)


Nearby_Employee_2943

yep! my mom was super organic and health conscious and it sucked. most of the things I would list here might sound good to adults but were not fun for a kid haha. our "special" soda (meaning we would only get it on birthdays or maybe one other time a year) was orange juice mixed with seltzer. once a year. when I moved in w my dad full time in high school I ate Kraft spirals (back in the day Annie's had one flavor: whole wheat shells with white cheddar. again, fine, but not what I really wanted or enjoyed), and hot dogs almost every day until I couldn't even stand it. just like everything else in life, everything is good in moderation.


AllForMeCats

Whole wheat Annie’s was my jam as a kid. My friend liked Kraft but it was too… orange? and not cheddar-sharp enough for me.


Roaming_Cow

Uh yup. I was so excited to drink soda when I was at a church camp for a week that I only drank water ONCE the whole time because my mom came for a tour with us. That was in intermediate school. We almost never got that kind of thing. Edit: I will say that sugary foods were not as strictly held so I never truly went nuts for that. Just the beverages.


The1983Jedi

Can confirm. I remember hitting 3 different fast food places on my home from classes or to work a fee times to get the best if what they had. Cheese sticks, grilled chicken, blizzard


SpicyTun4Roll_

I know a kid who wasn't allowed to have any candy, sugar, or energy drinks at his house. We had a party with monsters, mtn dew, and other snacks. He ended up overdosing on caffeine that night and we had to call an ambulance. We probably should've cut him off tbh.


AllForMeCats

I was raised on healthy food and while I ate some junk in college, I could never eat a lot of it. I remember eating fast food occasionally as a kid and I don’t know how I ever found it enjoyable! These days I can have like 10 fries and that’s it for the month 😂 I still eat a lot of vegetables, even grow my own now! So YMMV. Edit: I think a big part of what shaped my eating habits was that my parents were (and still are) amazing cooks! Junk food just tasted like, well, junk in comparison.


Revolutionary-Egg-68

Very valid point!


nico-anais

Yup, my mom made sure we ate very healthy and although we did get "junk" food as a very rare snack, the fact that it was so forbidden made it impossible to resist when I moved out. Luckily I also learned a lot about balanced meals and healthy food that tastes good from her so after a few years I've become a more balanced eater and eat a more reasonable amount of "junk"


t2kau

>living in Mtn Dew and chicken nuggets everyone knows a chicken nugget pairs much better with a dr pepper


Fire284

My friend was literally just talking abt Dr. Pepper chicken so I hope to God he doesnt find this comment and confirm his belief it's the best thing ever


SixxTheSandman

>You say "sorry kiddo your mom has rules. She wants you to be healthy You are a still a kid, so she gets to make the rules for you. When you get older, you can eat whatever you like, but for now you gotta follow mom's rules." That's literally the perfect response


OKflyboy

And there you go. Mom wants him to stop asking. Her solution was to make you the bad guy by saying you really want to say "no" but you're too polite to say so. Spin that right back around and just say "it's not that I don't want you to have it, its just that your mom has rules for what you should eat and I don't want you to break your mom's rules."


National_Insurance91

This!! She's made the decision for them to eat healthy, that's her bed to lie in. Not yours. NTA, OP!


MettaWorldBeFree

This. NTA at all, you can help the mom out by saying something like this, but she made you the bad guy and put guilt on her son- he’ll get over it and being a mom has gotta be tough, but still, not cool on her part. See if you can work with her to lay down some ground rules, 2 treats a week or something- might make all your lives easier.


JJ-Anthrax

NTA: you were being honest. Mom needs to own her rules. My munchkins ask for junk waaaay more often than they get it. Our limit is one unhealthy snack in a day and sometimes a little dessert, and soda is a no go period. I'd never try to blame anyone else for the rules I've made. The one time I got " well MOM lets us eat candy for breakfast" they both got sat down for a long educational discussion about healthy and unhealthy foods and what kind of effect diet can have on your body, and that was the last time there was any backtalk about not getting junk food.


ThrowRAdidntmeanto

Oh yeah my mom had that same talk with me but a little bit more dramatic: “if you eat Oreos you’re gonna get sick and die. “ I didn’t touch those shits for 10 years 😳


JJ-Anthrax

Lol that's a little over the top haha. I wouldn't lie to them to try to get them to lay off junk food, honesty is the best policy. And they really don't like the dentist so understanding that too much sugar can cause cavities which means a trip to the dentist for more than a check up is a pretty good motivator on its own.


N0K1K0

well oreos are actually vegan :)


Crisafael

Vegan and very rich in sugar


Silentlybroken

When you can't add things like dairy or sugar or wheat/barley, the food very quickly ends up stuffed with a bunch of fillers. Gluten free stuff can be super unhealthy because they gotta make it taste better somehow. I learned that very quickly lol


Crisafael

Yes, but my point was that just bc something is vegan, it doesn't mean it's healthy (which seemed to be what was being implied in the comment I replied to). Not that I agree with restrictive diets, but yeah. Moderation is key.


FlashLightning67

Were they not agreeing with said point?


Silentlybroken

I was :)


Lulubelle__007

Are they vegan in all countries that Oreos are sold? Or just in America? I’m in the UK, I bring treats for student birthdays (work in education) and I have two dairy free/ vegan students who I have to be careful of what I offer. Oreos are something they’d like but I’m still trying to figure out if Oreos are safe and ok! Not the snow cap Oreos as they have white chocolate on so guessing they aren’t vegan or daily free but are regular Oreos ok?


Moyja

Non-chocolate coated Oreos are vegan in the UK too! Also, party rings


Lulubelle__007

I knew party rings but I’m glad to hear about Oreos!


rostorare

But she was correct. I bet that you got sick at least once after you ate oreos, and you're also going to die.


littlegingerfae

We were 2 very different kinds of kids lmao


nannerdooodle

Yeah, NTA. And the mom is setting her kid up to have a rough couple years when older by completely eliminating all "unhealthy" food now. If the kid learns to moderate or only have a little now, he's a lot less likely go crazy with it as an adult. My parents told me no most of the time, but I could still eat a piece of candy every day and "junk food" once a week. My mom did let me go ham and eat all my Halloween candy in one day one year. After I got incredibly sick from that, I only wanted one piece every couple days because I knew what eating too much would do to me Haha.


Lilpanda20

I still vividly remember decades ago a grade school teacher telling my class when her kids asked them for something, first time was "I'll think about it." 2nd time was "I'll talk to dad about it. Third time was **no**.


a_peanut

Yeah my kids are still toddlers and learned how to ask for chocolate far too early (my own fault!) and most of the time when they ask for it (sometimes multiple times a day) I say no. Cue screaming & crying. They'll figure it out eventually: kicking up a stink will not get them chocolate. And yeah it's a pain in the ass for me, but it's for their own good and eventually they'll get it. Probably.


JJ-Anthrax

Big rule in our house is if you throw a tantrum over something, that something goes on suspension. If you try to throw a fit because you want to go to the park, were not doing the park at all this month because of the tantrum. Kids fighting and crying over a toy, the toy disappears for a week. It works wonders, I can not even remember the last genuine tantrum I had to deal with because of it. Whining and backtalk were still working on, but tantrums have been vanquished.


a_peanut

That's similar to the approach we take, however my kids are only 19 months old, so they won't understand it explicitly yet, only implicitly! Now that their language comprehension has progressed, we've started the whole "I don't understand your when you're whining, please speak normally". It kinda works. Practice makes perfect.


JJ-Anthrax

That's true, consistency is key, just keep on it and it will turn out results :)


a_peanut

That's similar to the approach we take, however my kids are only 19 months old, so they won't understand it explicitly yet, only implicitly! Now that their language comprehension has progressed, we've started the whole "I don't understand your when you're whining, please speak normally". It kinda works. Practice makes perfect.


itsybitsywitsy

NTA. I understand that it sucks to have to be the bad guy, but if you’re going to have rules, then you need to be prepared to enforce them yourself. It’s not fair for her to put the burden on you. I don’t know how often he’s asking, but maybe a frequency rule like “once a week” could be a good middle ground. That way he’s not getting too much of what his mom doesn’t want him to have and she’s not always having to say no.


ThrowRAdidntmeanto

More or less a couple times a week. Not too often. The thing is she doesn’t want him anything unhealthy at all so that’s what gets her mad


itsybitsywitsy

No fault to her for wanting her child to be healthy, but making certain foods taboo will likely cause him to go nuts with them as soon as he can buy his own food. I use frequency rules with my kids. We sit down and discuss the rules with them and explain why we are limiting the foods or items that we do. It’s a great opportunity to teach them about moderation.


ThrowRAdidntmeanto

One of my aunts was like that with my cousin but she took it to a whole other level. But yeah as soon as he was out of the house it was McDonald’s and Burger King every single day. He’s overweight now but slowly trying to cut back almost 2 decades later


Mean_Parsnip

I once worked with a guy whose family only allowed him to have sugar at church, which was twice a week when he was growing up. Even that became so taboo that as a adult I would see him eat 2 or 3 candy bars in a day. He couldn't help himself, it felt too good to be bad.


No-Jellyfish-1208

NAH If you are okay with sharing, that's fine. She is the mother and she thinks her kid should eat healthy - that's also fine. The kid is old enough to understand what he can and what he can't have anyway. Also, don't worry, refusing to share won't make you the bad guy. You aren't obligated to share anyhow anyway.


ThrowRAdidntmeanto

Not obligated to share but that’s always been how I am


v2den

NTA .. The mom is the AH. Lying so she is not the 'bad guy'.


RoxyRockSee

NTA Ugh, I hate parents like this. Just be fucking honest with your kids.


IHaveNoUsernameSorry

NTA. I feel sorry for that kid. When he is an adult he is probably gonna binge eat loads of junk food.


alexmikaelson_

Made me sad when he apologized to OP 😞 the kid is cute 😊


IHaveNoUsernameSorry

Same. It broke my heart a little.


notsuchasweetthing

>When


notsuchasweetthing

>When


notsuchasweetthing

>When


notsuchasweetthing

>When


IHaveNoUsernameSorry

When he’s an adult. It says right there.


Altyrmadiken

This is more complicated than one asshole versus another, to me. I'm going **very gently with ESH.** Mom shouldn't have painted you as the bad guy, and she shouldn't expect you to parent her child in that kind of a way. However when you choose to live with a child the idealistic principles of not ever having to do adult things for the child really fall apart. In practice, the best move would be to say "your mom has rules buddy, I'm sorry." You don't have to say anything else. Don't say "I'd like to but" or "You know I would," because that passive aggressively does add a bit of tension; you're placing it on her in a way that makes her seem unreasonable. As the parent, only she gets to decide what's reasonable for his diet, so saying you would but she won't let you makes her look bad. In the specific context of "she wanted you to lie" and you didn't, you're not an asshole. However the situation is much larger than that specific context, and I think it's worth assessing the larger whole. It's OK to want to be the cool room mate to her kid, but the way we say things carries a significant weight to children without them even realizing it. It's OK that you'd be happy to share, but the reason you're not sharing is because mom has rules that he has to follow, and so do you. By phrasing it as "rules" you enforce her authority, and by avoiding saying you disagree with them (I would but - You know I'd like to but - If mom said yes I would) you remove the chance that he'll place undue upset in her favor. When it comes to her child, she makes the rules, and everyone has to follow them, when it comes to things like diet. They're not just rules for him, but for anyone who is in a position to give him food. By making that a simple statement it avoids most things. You seemed unwilling (or didn't think to) to make that kind of statement, and she didn't think to phrase it like that either. Hence, despite her being an asshole for lying, the grander situation is more that everyone needs to do things a bit differently.


ajaconway

I have to say, as a mom I respectfully disagree with you. First, while technically he did choose to live with a kid, it's not like they're dating. They're roommates, so OP has no obligation to be more adult in front of the child unless previously agreed upon. Second, even though he doesn't have an obligation to do so, he has changed his habits. He stated that he has tried to stop eating this stuff in front of this kid, but sometimes the kid see it. For instance when he got home and grabbed a yogurt then went to his room. There's only so much he can do, he was just walking with a yogurt in hand. > In practice, the best move would be to say "your mom has rules buddy, I'm sorry." You don't have to say anything else. Don't say "I'd like to but" or "You know I would," because that passive aggressively does add a bit of tension; you're placing it on her in a way that makes her seem unreasonable. As the parent, only she gets to decide what's reasonable for his diet, so saying you would but she won't let you makes her look bad. The problem with this is that the mom doesn't seem to have toldnthe kid these rules. She has said yes in the past, then liednto the kid making it OPS fault. And no where did OP say "I'd like to, but" or anything like it. He simply said "Ask your mom", which is the right thing to say. Finally, you state that the way we say things carries a significant weight, but it doesn't seem like you read how he worded things. The phrases you used weren't in OPS post. Everything I read seemed like he worded things in a very appropriate manner. He never undermined her authority or went around her, just said to ask her. OP is NTA, at all.


TestSubjectJ

NTA. It’s her choices. If she can’t consistently tell him no for cereal and yogurt now? She is going to be in for a rude awakening. You’re trying to make sure you limit how much he sees you eating your stuff. Also, if she wants to shift the blame a little, she could go for the “it’s not polite to ask too often” approach.


AlertNotAnxious

NTA. Don’t let anyone force you to lie. You would be an asshole if you gave this food to the child, but you did the right thing: tell him to ask his mother. She just needs to teach the child not to ask you because she does not want him to eat that stuff because it is not healthy. Why is this a problem? My 5yo understands she shouldn’t ask for coke or mountain dew or coffee, so she doesn’t. It’s really easy to teach a child that.


HeadBeeGoon

NAH. Generally I feel that if someone doesn't want others to say things that may be truthful, then they shouldn't put others in the position of having to choose what to say in the first place, so I'm not gonna say you did anything \*wrong\*. That said, the mom provided you with a solution that would have made things easier for both her and you, but you disregarded it so you could still be 'cool' with her kid which frankly shouldn't be your concern, you're a temporary roommate, not the BF or even the 'cool uncle'


TortitudeX3

NTA. to keep peace in the household since the rent and roommate situation seems to work out for everyone except for the food issue, maybe you and the mom could agree on “special snack” day with the kid. Your food is your food, but on Tuesday and Friday, (or whatever works), kid can have a bowl of lucky charms. That way he’s not asking all of the time, he gets to have a treat, and she doesn’t have to say no all of the time and be the bad guy. It’s win-win.


ConfidenceCommon9740

This is a good idea but something tells me, mom wouldn't like it since she's all about eating healthy and according to OP’s comment she doesn't want him eating anything unhealthy at all


ThrowRAdidntmeanto

This is correct. I’d be open to that but I already know she wouldn’t go for it


BroadElderberry

ESH. She shouldn't have lied to her kid. I mean, she could have just said "it's rude to ask for other people's food, we aren't going to do that anymore" (that was a rule I had growing up). But you said: >I said I’m okay with him helping himself as long as his mom’s okay with it But you *know* she's not okay with it. Why send him to ask his mom every single time, instead of just saying "I'm sorry Bobby, but I know your mom isn't okay with you eating this."


Thnks-Fr-The-Mmrs

YTA. Instead of asking every single individual time, you got a blanket "no." That's it, that you're answer. Stop asking. ​ ​ >I argued that im fine with him having some of my food and not gonna make myself the bad guy just because she doesn’t want to tell him no. ​ You tell the kid, "your mom said no." The fact that you don't mind doesn't factor into this. When a parent gives you a rule regarding their kids, respect that. ​ Editing: I'm seeing so many responses about "honesty" and the mom needing to parent her kid... She said no. In my opinion, it's pretty shitty to give the kid hope every time he asks, saying, "I dunno, ask your mom" when mom already said no. Parenting gets a heck of a lot harder when you've made a decision, stated that decision, and then an adult keeps telling your kid to ask you again.


Tranquilizer411

It's mom's job to tell him to stop asking...


KahlanEAmnelle

He is not being told to "ask again". The kid asks OP, OP says ask mom (knowing there is a limit, so he doesn't just give it to the kid) Mom does say yes sometimes (though I read it's cos the kid begs). Mom told the kid that OP doesn't want him asking anymore cos he doesn't want to share. OP told him he doesn't mind sharing, but it is up to mom if he can have it. It's the mom's job to tell the kid she doesn't want him to have it, not to outsource the blame so she isn't the bad guy. Cos right now, she is the bad guy. This kid is going to grow up and overindulge on candy, sugar, and junk food. There is a healthy balance there that the mom is just missing. But she is the parent, so it is her decision. She just needs the spine to back it up.


fastyellowtuesday

I don't think you understand what the situation is here. Mom never told the kid there was a blanket 'no', just told OP to tell the kid that OP didn't want to share his food. She told him to lie to the kid about the reason.


dirtysyncs

LOL this comment is kinda ridiculous. I feel like deferring to the parent is the safest bet. Maybe if she gave her own child a 'blanket no', the kid would stop asking and the situation would be avoided in the first. The problem stems from her indirectness.


alexmikaelson_

Calm yourself.


Zombiemommy1980

NTA as a parent its her job for the next 18 years to make decisions for her kid. This includes telling him NO. I do it for my kiddos she can do it for hers.


SmallTownAttorney

NTA - Personally I think her quest to make sure he eats healthy 100% of the time is unrealistic and not a healthy approach to food. (The whole you want what you are forbidden to have even more issue comes to mind.) That being said as the parent it's her prerogative and as the parent it's also her role to make and enforce the rules. She doesn't want to "be the bad guy" but that's the role she chose and she doesn't get to fob it off on an innocent bystander.


jadepumpkin1984

Nta. As a mom with kids with impulse control issues. It's not your job to raise the kid. Keep truthful.


The__Riker__Maneuver

NTA And now you know why this person was struggling to find a roommate


cdp657

Nah but I would suggest stop saying "ask your mom" and saying something along the lines of "you know the rules and I cannot give you any." If you were his dad it'd be different but you're just a roommate but you should try a little harder. It's so hard to get kids to eat healthy.


Truly_tired

NTA she's the parent dude she's gotta deal with it for 18 years and then some because annoying questions don't stop with age lmao.


KanawhaRed

NTA. It's not OP's responsibility to say no when his answer is not no. As far as he's concerned, the kid can have food. It's the mom saying no. She needs to tell her son to stop asking, period, because the answer will always be no...from her.


Old-Elderberry-9946

I get how it's exhausting to always have to be the bad guy (especially as a single mom when there's no other parent to sometimes shoulder that role). So I feel for her. But NTA. "It's fine if you ask your mom" is something that gets old if the child's other parent is always doing it instead of taking initiative and making decisions themselves. But coming from someone who isn't the child's parent, it's perfectly appropriate and she's just going to have to deal with either finding a way to tell him no when she feels like she should or being OK with saying yes -- one or the other. OP, it may be that because you're in the house with her and the kid all the time and it seems like you actually interact with the kid, you're kind of taking on that "other significant adult" role in her mind. But you don't appear to be crossing boundaries, you're not another parent, and you haven't done anything wrong. And it's definitely not your job to keep up a lie she told her kid. Y'all probably need to have a discussion about this, because this isn't fair to put on you. I feel like her probable frustration here is understandable, but misplaced, and lying to your kids always seems to backfire on parents, so it's best not to start.


Key_Acanthaceae_2276

NTA, being a single parent sucks because you always have to be the bad guy, but that’s not your responsibility


HunterDangerous1366

NTA Your not telling ther kid no, she is. But seriously, once that kids out of her door at uni or whatever, he's going to binge on the stuff he's not allowed. A little bit is good in moderation, plus it'll probably curb his enthusiasm if she loosened the reigns a bit.


TrickInteresting8032

NTA. You don't have any problem with sharing some. So why would you lie? HOWEVER, this kid is old enough to know that you don't ask things from people (other than immidiate family) every time you see them eating or having something you would like to have. The mother needs to teach him this.


BreadfruitAlone7257

I would put an end to being the middle man. Tell kid not to ask you anymore, ask his mom. Tell mom that you're okay if she gives him a treat once in a while. If she never wants to do this, she needs to tell him not to ask her anymore. You shouldn't have to deal with it at all. You're NTA. She kinda is because she's putting it on you. And while it's great she wants him to eat healthy food, this seems overboard to me.


Official_loli

NTA - It sounds like she doesn't want to police her child anymore. If you say a permanent no, she doesn't have to deal with him asking. Be ready to laugh at her when she's upset her kid won't stop eating junk once he gets some money.


dawno64

NTA. As a parent, if you're going to make rules, you get to be the one enforcing said rules. Trying to blame others teaches your children that you're not in favor of personal responsibility, which should be the biggest rule of all. Your roomie needy to suck it up. The kid will be exposed to junk food everywhere.


Calm_Initial

NTA You can’t expect other people to cover your lies for you, so maybe don’t lie! My ex SIL has to learn this hard lesson too


[deleted]

NTA, it’s her job to lay the boundaries. Also speaking as someone who once didn’t get any of the good stuff as a kid, it’s really unhelpful. Healthy food is fine but treats are fine too.


dastimba

NTA And this is why you don't lie to your kids, man. They will always find out the truth.


diavolina

NTA - how awful that poor woman will actually have to parent her child! The odd treat isn’t going to harm the child - same as 1 salad isn’t going to make me a gym nut!


xavii62

NTA, you don't have to lie for her, she's a parent and she should talk to his son about how sometimes she has to say no for this good instead of blaming everyone else just because she doesn't want to do her job as a parent.


nerdgirl71

Those are her rules, she needs to own and explain them. Good practice for the future. She can’t hide her decisions behind a convenient scapegoat. NTA


michelecw

NTA. That’s her job. If this is such a big issue for her she should have considered that when considering room mate.


KahlanEAmnelle

NTA. You should probably tell the kid the full truth though. "Your mom doesn't want you to have this kind of food and we need to respect her wishes." Or however you want to phrase it. Right now it's causing a conflict with a back and forth and what you said is only going to have him start asking again. So you're not in the wrong for being honest, I would just recommend a different phrasing. Keep it honest, keep it real. Let her parent the kid. Her outsourcing the blame to you is an asshole move.


tomtomclubthumb

NTA - parents can't pretend that they are not setting boundaries. As long as you weren't rubbing it in his face, I don't see the problem. I have to explain to my kid why other kids have different rules and that just because the other kid's mum lets them run by the pool etc doesn't mean that they can.


Diznygurl

Not your circus, not your monkeys. She wanted you to be the bad guy but you didn't play. Oh Well. NTA


Bergenia1

NTA. That's a cowardly crap move by the mom. Every parent wants to be popular, but part of the job description is being unpopular when it's necessary in order to raise kids well.


Limerase

NTA Mama needs to take responsibility for being the villain and own it as upholding disciplinary measures.


MaryContrary26

Well she is the bad guy. Part of the job. And I would call it lazy parenting when parents lie to avoid confrontation. NTA


producerofconfusion

NTA. I’d like to add that it must be confusing to him to see an adult eating “imperfectly” and not incredibly ill from it when his mom doesn’t even allow him treats. I’m sure she’s given him dire warnings about what “bad” food will do (the quotes are because I really despise attaching morality to food). I can tell you he is going to have a wild ride of food issues when he grows up from personal experience.


LokiChevelle

NTA, if she wants to be that controlling, she gets to be the solo conductor on that train. Thank you for trying not to eat it around him, you are obviously doing what you can.


AstroRiker

Is living with them working out? This is just 2 months in… NTA but that doesn’t sound like a fun place to call home.


Christian_mama87

NTA. Part of being a parent is yelling your kid no. I've lost count of how many times a day I use it. No, you can't lick the window. No, you can't swing on the ceiling fan. No, you can't shave the dog. See? Not that hard. The trick is keeping a straight face.


XboxOnThe4

I love that you treat him nicely Also it’s her responsibility and yogurt won’t kill him she’s tweaking


Weird_Biscuits9668

Well maybe she is the 'bad guy'. Not literally. Just that its her job to say no to her child. And that means you gotta be the 'bad guy' sometimes in your child's eyes. Its certainly not your responsibility to parent her child because she's not feeling up to it. NTA


Legozkat

I think it’s pretty noteworthy that you are willing to share food with a child and that he’s asking and not just taking it. NTA


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Idk if I’m (26m) in the wrong here for what I did. About 2 months ago I moved into this new apartment. My roommate is a single mom with an 8 year old son and she was struggling to find a roommate to help with the bills cause of that. No problem for me I always got along with kids and she made sure I wasn’t a creep lol. We each buy our own groceries we keep in the kitchen. Don’t need to label who’s who’s because it’s very obvious we eat very different things . She’s super health conscious for her and her son. I know she doesn’t let him eat any diary at all or anything with sugar or too many carbs. He doesn’t have allergies or any diet restrictions she just tells me she wants him healthy and okay that’s her business. With me I still like kid cereals like lucky charms or fruity pebbles every now and then in the morning. Or chocolate chip waffles, hot pizza bagels, ice cream, yogurt, you get the idea. Just when I feel like eating junk and that isn’t all the time since I also work out. Thing is her son sometimes sees me eating this and he always asks if he can have some. I don’t got a problem with that so I tell him to just ask his mom if it’s fine. And she tells him yes sometimes because he practically begs her for some cereal. Usually try not to eat this stuff in front of him but sometimes he sees something like my yogurt in the fridge and asks for some. She told me recently if I could start telling him no he can’t have any of my good because it’s mine. Since she’s tired of having to tell him no everytime he asks. I argued that im fine with him having some of my food and not gonna make myself the bad guy just because she doesn’t want to tell him no. Was gone for the weekend then when I got back I grabbed a yogurt from the fridge and was going to my room. And he was just looking at me from the hallway. Asked him what’s wrong, he just told me he’s sorry for asking for my snacks. And so I kinda figured out that his mom told him I’m the one with the problem after our talk so I said I’m okay with him helping himself as long as his mom’s okay with it and it’ll never be a problem for me. So that’s why she thinks I’m an asshole right now because she wanted him to stop asking her and her having to tell her son no because she doesn’t want him eating that stuff. And now have “permanently made her the bad guy” in his eyes since he knows I don’t got a problem with him asking. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


1ron0rchid

NTA for wanting to share, but YTA for the way in which you said. You should not have said that "...I’m okay with him helping himself as long as his mom’s okay with it" That basically tells him it's ok and then he's going to go back and pester mom. What you could have said was something like "It's ok, but you have to follow your mom's rules."


AmazingDoomslug

>That basically tells him it's ok and then he's going to go back and pester mom You mean teaching him to get the permission of his parent? What a horrid lesson to teach a child 🙄


1ron0rchid

I get what you're saying and yes, normally that would be something you want to teach. However, pestering a parent for something that parent already told you no for is not a lesson to learn. Don't be dumb, be better.


Blim4

NTA, you did exactly the right Thing, telling a child they can have some of your food IF their grown-up allows it, and She had several (honest) choices, allow him to Accept food from you, Always or Sometimes or depending-on-what-kind, or be strict about not allowing it and own the consequences of her Kid potentially being mildly angry or annoyed at her. It's called parenting. She made herself "the Bad Guy" by lying about who didn't want him to eat your food.


Blim4

Also this reminds me of a Thing months ago where the OP didn't want her tween kids to interact with their aunt's (OP's younger, childless Sister's) exotic reptiles even though Reptile owner was fine with it If under Supervision, and OP told the kids RO wasn't going to allow them to Play with the lizards today and RO put it right and then OP was angry at RO "making [me] the Bad Guy", in those exact words. I find it extremely odd for adults to even unironically say "Bad Guy" in any Context...


mindbird

NTA.


Actual_Geologist_316

NTA. Imagine making a kid feel guilty about eating yogurt.


Rolling_Beardo

NTA, if she fees strongly about the diet decisions she make for her kid then she needs to back them up. My boy is 3 and isn’t allowed a lot of juice or other sugary drinks. Even if his cousin is drinking juice we still tell him most of the time he needs to drink his water if he’s already had a juice that day.


mrstrust

NTA. It isn't your job to lie for other people.


Winkers32

NTA. I get it's hard for parents, but sometimes you have to be the "bad guy" but if you're honest with your kids they'll understand one day. By lying like this mom did, you set sooo many bad examples and any good coming from your rules is being undone in my opinion. I'm glad you let him know the truth, because based on what you described, it seems he internalized the lie his mother told him and made him feel guilty over something he was never in the wrong for. He's a child still learning to navigate life and learning boundaries - mom's not giving him ANY of those opportunities when it comes to food and instead making him feel shame for something so trivial.


pianotm

NTA Mother's right that this stuff isn't super good for you, but in proper moderation, it's not really bad for you either. Maybe she'd have less trouble enforcing her rules if she lightened up a little on them and let the kid have an occasional treat. That said, if she wants to be mom, she has to have the fortitude to tell her kid "no" on her own without someone nearby having to pretend to be a villain for her benefit. It's okay for her to want help parenting, but that was not a good way to do it.


InteractionUpper3409

NTA. her job is to parent.


KKTide

NTA. She needs to tell her son to stop asking you for treats. In order to reinforce this, she provides a treat once a week. Making someone else the disciplinarian never really works.


NoApollonia

NTA If she wants him to have none of your food, she needs to be the bad guy and tell him no - not expect you to. I do think parents who try to force the extreme healthy eating (seriously no dairy - so no milk and cereal ever for the kid?? Also yogurt is good for you!) will backfire as the kid will go nuts with it once he is older.


Unsolicitedadvice13

NTA. Her actions are why she’s “the bad guy”. Also, being so controlling over “healthy” food for kids usually leads to unhealthy eating habits when they’re older since they were deprived of the good stuff for so long that they seek it out and overindulge because they never learned what a healthy sized portion of unhealthy food looks like


DrMangosteen

I get it man. You're trying to be nice to the kid and be the cool guy. That's fair enough. But you live in the same house as this kid. You could make the mums life so much easier and if it's happening a lot you're essentially giving a kid junk food on a regular basis against his parents wishes. You don't exactly have to become the bad guy and pretend to be selfish to the kid, but setting a boundary that if you bought some food, he has to wait for it to be offered to him by you or his mum, instead of you constantly causing a conflict with his mum over every bit of food would be the adult thing to do. YTA


Emergency_Ad_1828

NTA it’s on mom to say no. She is the parent and it’s her job to say no.


I_might_be_weasel

NTA. But this does seem like a difficult living situation.


No-Knowledge8325

NAH. I understand not wanting to lie or be the bad guy. I also understand where the mom is coming from. The issue is that when kids see that someone else is eating a snack, typically, they’ll end up wanting the snack too. That kid could be content at the moment watching tv, not craving any snacks but then he sees you grab a yogurt and suddenly he wants a yogurt. I dont have kids, but I see plenty of posts from friends on FB about how they’ll go eat a snack in their car to avoid their kid seeing and wanting some.


Mystic_Corgi

NTA. The lie directly involved you and made a child believe you were upset with them. Her lie was no white lie, and was inappropriate. SHE is the mother, so she gets the glory AND the blame for her decisions regarding her kid. She could compromise and let the kid have a small helping of a snack, instead she wants to deprive him and give him a food-related complex. You should not take part in facilitating her doing so.


gamefreakcon

NTA, it's not your job to parent her kid. If she wants her kid eating a strictly healthy diet she needs to get a backbone.


Heliola

NTA so far, but if the kid asks in the future you should tell him no rather than telling him to ask his mom. You don't have to pretend the no is your decision, you can say 'no because your Mom doesn't want you eating this stuff', but just don't make him go ask his mom every time because that's just getting his hopes up when you know she'll say no.


jenn1975jenn

NTA


skyntbook

NTA, but you could be a bit more supportive and considerate of the mother with your behaviour. Instead of telling the kid it's up to his mum, perhaps you could suggest he help his mum with a basic chore in exchange for the reward of a bowl of sugar. Like if he asks you, just say "hey it looks like your mum needs some help today. If you help with some chores and tidy your room, maybe she'd be more likely to let you have a bowl of Fruit Loops." That way instead of deflecting a sugar-hungry kid at his mum in full tantrum mode, you can encourage positive activity in return for a reward, and keep a nice calm household that doesn't break dowm everytime someone cracks out the cereal.


HoneyMCMLXXIII

NTA. She’s the mom and has to set her own boundaries.


macarraocomchocolate

NTA. If do not your son eating this type of stuff do not put on other peoples back


FastAd8730

NTA in the slightest. Also, she should be teaching her kid balance, because that’s the key to life. He will have a weird relationship with food because of her.


Ascf33

I have triples of the nova.


dulceariel

Why you would choose to live with a single mom and her kid is beyond me. NTA!


Cairhien

YTA for telling the kid to ask his mom every time, when you know she will say no. You should just tell him "sorry buddy, no can do" when he asks, maybe say "sorry, you know your mom's rules" if he pushes. You shouldn't lie but you're also being TA to that mom by sending the kid to ask her every single time. The mom is also a an A for lying to the kid so this could be ESH, but it sounds like you were TA first.


Normie316

NTA. It's not your job to lie on someone else's behalf.


Sea-Diamond-209

Nta and sweet of you to care and ask. Recommend a heart to heart with mom that while you understand why she's doing it, you're not comfortable with it. Santa claus on the other hand - give in to however she wants to handle that one! (If relevant)


Idktbh14

NTA. I would have told him " Sorry your mom doesn't want you to have this type of food" tho


StrykerC13

NTA, don't want to be the bad guy, don't have kids. Sometimes being a parent means being the bad guy. Don't want that status constantly maybe don't restrict your kid to a health nut diet. Don't want to be seen as a liar, don't blatantly lie to them and expect others to just let you demonize them because it's "easier".


TheFoxAndTheRaven

NTA. If the mother wants him to stop asking then she needs to bite the bullet and be the parent here. "I do not want you to eat that food. I am telling you no. I am going to tell you no every time you ask. You are not allowed to have that food."


Quicksilver1964

NTA.


RyzenTide

NTA, telling her kid no is a basic part of parenting.


NS_Tulkas

She permanently made HERSELF the bad guy by lying to her kid. Especially about how an adult he's sharing the house with feels about him. Sweet kid even came to apologize to you, he was worried so much. You're definitely NTA.


MrTitius

NTA she made herself the bad guy went started trying to make you take the fall


big_ugly_builder

NTA but recognize, the relationship you have with them, you are helping raise the kid. If you dont like that, I'd start looking for somewhere else


GrizeldaLovesCats

NTA. The position that she is in is called parenting. It is your job to be the bad guy to your kids. Not that I think a little junk food would hurt him, but it isn't my call to make for anyone else's kids. If she is determined to stick to her guns regarding his diet, then she has to be the bad guy when he wants junk food. There were so many many times my kids were angry with me because I wouldn't let them (or would make them) do something. It isn't her job to make him happy. It is to raise him to be "a productive member of society". As this is not your child, it is not your responsibility in any way to parent her child.


Lorraine221

NTA, poor kid! His mom is going to create the problem she fears because she won't let him have a freaking yogurt once in a while!


Exotichaos

You are NTA and personally I think she should lighten up a little but she is his mother and it isn't abusive to want your kid to eat healthy.


Opinionated_123

NTA.


AmazingPreference955

NTA. She’s his mother, she’s in charge of making decisions about what she wants him to eat, and it’s her job to deal with the consequences of her decisions, i.e. coming off as the “bad guy.” She needs to explain to him what the rules are and why she has those rules. It’s totally unfair of her to try to offload that responsibility onto you.


Hottiemilatti

NTA I think you guys are mismatched roommates. But NTA yall just have very different styles of life.


Meddit1991

NTA. If she wants him to do certain things- she’s gonna be to parent that way. Sucks to suck. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I am a firm believer in not lying to kids. So I wouldn’t lie either. That’s stupid. If she is all about something she can easily explain why etc. Not put it off on the roommate so she doesn’t have to mess With it anymore


Nyx2405

Holy fuck that’s toxic. She’s his parent not his friend. If she doesn’t want him eating junk food tell him no, that’s a parents job. She asked you if it was okay to make you the bad guy you said no so she did it anyway without you knowing. NTA!


Notyourmomma_17

NTA, I can’t stand parents that can’t get with telling their kid no and making someone else the scapegoat. She needs to grow a pair and parent him herself.


PELF1

NTA. I have a mother that lied when I was young, and asked people to play games. Once I found out, my life got better. Hers, not so much. NTA.


Summerh8r

"her having to tell her son no" That's kind of her job as a parent. NTA


katieadtr

NTA. It’s her kid, not yours plain and simple.


Meow-Man-32613

NTA. But just gonna put this out there, a growing child needs to have carbs it's an essential source of energy, milk is milk, I would recommend drinking it due to its high protien and lastly a too restrictive diet will lead to the child going berserk when he can eat normal food leading him to gain weight. He isnt a bodybuildiler he is just a child


The-spellmonger

NTA I understand her not wanting to be the “bad” guy but she made the rules it’s note OPs responsibility to tell the kid no.


forestpunk

NTA Not your job to parent someone else's kid.


ThunderHeavyRains

NTA. You’re splitting bills not parenting.


daeganthedragon

She needs to stop viewing telling her son "no" as making her the asshole in anyone's eyes. She tells him yes sometimes, but she generally says no because a) she's the parent and b) she wants him to have healthier snacks. She should sit him down and have a conversation about how she says no because she has his best interests at heart and she knows that a lot of the junk food has too much sugar and additives and just isn't healthy all the time. It doesn't make her an asshole to parent. If she would stop having that mindset, it wouldn't need to reach her son so that someone has to be the asshole here. She shouldn't make it seem like you're upset about it because no one is upset, she just knows what's best over her 8 year old, and he needs to understand that, not that he's making someone mad by politely asking for some of their food. NTA.


Cultural-Chart3023

At the end of the day shes his parent. She provides for him. You're a tenant. What's yours is yours. You were kind enough to share and responsible enough to consult her first. If mum says no then mum says no. That's exactly what I would say to the kid. "Sorry mate I don't have a problem with sharing but mum said no" Nobody is the asshole really.. its not like you were giving to him behind her back. You can feel bad for the kid but respect hes her kid. She has to suck it up parenting means your the bad guy most of the time


[deleted]

[удалено]


AlertNotAnxious

I do have a child and I think you are very wrong. Does she have to tell the child No every time he sees someone drinking beer? Teach a child which kind of food is bad for him and he will stop asking.


[deleted]

[удалено]


AlertNotAnxious

We have that with mcdonalds. It is sometimes ok. Therefore we need to say No when she asks more than on occasion. But that is our job as parents. It’s not other people’s job to lie to our child. She could Also just teach the child it is rude to ask other people for food so often by the way.


ThrowRAdidntmeanto

I don’t want the kid to like me I just don’t believe in not sharing. If he wants to help himself that fine I don’t have a problem with it but don’t like others lying about me which is what bothered me. I had a kid before so yeah I know that’s part of the job