By - mfog35
No one owes you friendship or love, and it can be revoked at any time without question so it's best to respect and cherish it for as long as I have it. This goes both ways
Going through the realization of this right now. It hurts but its so true.
Recently found out that no matter how much you *thought* you had with someone, and no matter you cared about them, they can always revoke the friendship and end it just like that. Does it suck ass? Absolutely. But the key is to remember that even though you try your best and fail, you're not a loser. That's just the way the bullshit goes
"It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not a weakness; that is life." Captain Jean-Luc Picard
Both ways is key. Don't let people take your love or friendship for granted. You deserve what you want.
Came here to say this exact thing, your partner doesn’t owe you anything. No matter what you’ve done for them. It is a harsh reality that almost broke me. I incorrectly assumed because of everything I did for them and the amount of love I had for them I deserved the same. So not fucking true. Was old enough to know better too.
Bruh and sometimes you can be as inclusive as possible to people and some people just don't want to be your friend for their own reasons. This one took me a while to learn
Dealing with this right now. I feel like shit every time I’m alone with my thoughts.
I was told on a Monday “I love you & can’t see my life without you”… and told that Wednesday “Sorry, this isn’t for me”. Definitely cherish it but don’t get comfortable
You can be comfortable, but never complacent.
Wow, I can honestly say I needed this. Well said.
Well said. It also means that you need to nourish them properly to make sure they stay that way.
nourishment still has to be 2-ways, can't keep a relationship (including friendship) with just your love and energy.
Completely agree with you. I meant it more in the way that you can't keep everything for granted or else it might backfire.
This is the way.
Lesson: People change.
Hardest part to learn: It’s not always your fault.
Just to add, while people change they don’t necessarily change in ways you want or can predict. They usually don’t, in my experience.
Expectations are hard.
I always say that people always change, most the time they change in opposite directions, their path in life is leading them away so just cherish the time you had with them and wish them the best in life when they go. You will have so many great relationships with so many incredible people throughout your life. Don't allow them to pass by while you are still obsessing over the one you cannot get back. Love is an incredible and an elusive thing. But not matter how brief its always worth it. Those experiences and those feelings are so worth it.
I am not sure they really change. I think it is that they become fixed to what has always been there. The friend that drifts away, when you really analyse the situation you see the seeds of the parting were there from the beginning. The lover who becomes moody and seemingly heartless. Those traits were always there but your youthful outlook and the newness mask it. I remember someone who I struggled to get to know and understand for years but one day the light bulb went on and I realized they weren’t deep and intellectual, they were uninterested and uninteresting.
This struck me where i live
Sometimes you can meet the right person in the wrong circumstances.
Yes learnt this one the hard way and still grieving
I know this very well. Same woman, two times in one life, wrong circumstances.
Connected with this one guy three times in my life. All three times were literally the worst timing: first was military, second time was when I was on the brink of suicide, third time was when I just got out of a relationship and dealing with my dad being sick and wasn't ready for anything at all, but he said "I love you" and everything crumbled after that.
Life sucks sometimes. And all you can do is move on.
First time for me was end of high school. She just broke up with my friend and we were all going separate ways after school.
2nd time is 2 decades later and her husband just died of cancer.
I'm in a situation where everything is fine but the circumstance of distance is making it difficult
Going through this right now and it's so incredibly painful...
I feel you.
Could just be my rose colored glasses seeing situations but I feel like I’ve had to go through this a few times now.
Destined to be two ships sailing past each other in the ocean.
This happened to me many years ago. I met a lovely woman at a friend's birthday party, who under normal circumstances I would have given her my phone number and would like to have seen again. Unfortunately this party was only a couple of weeks after I'd separated from my ex-wife and I was not in the right frame of mind.
Yep. My life feels like an epic Greek tragedy.
Kind of like right person, wrong time?
You find someone you like but you're in different places in life.
You find someone you like but that person is moving across the country. Stuff like that
The first one I relate too, yeah.
The second one is also a really shitty feeling, but ties in with the first too.
That no matter how much you love, sometimes it's not enough.
Anyone who's had a S/O with serious mental illness knows this sad truth.
And the pain that comes with dealing with it has been the worst pain I’ve ever felt.
Right there with you, brother. Getting over that pain is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.
The feeling after you gave so much and it just didn't work. How that insecurity or unsureness infects you too and causes doubt in yourself and your ability to be there. Least that's what I felt.
I learned you can't be someone's anchor when they won't even steer the boat.
Not even just SO. Anyone who's loved someone, regardless of the nature of the relationship, with mental illness knows this.
Friends, family, etc.
Unfortunately, this is absolutely true. Mental illness is just awful for everyone involved, especially untreated.
The worst is when they attempt treatment, don't click with their therapist/psychiatrist but refuse to look for another, don't act on medical advice, don't act on advice from others who have been in their shoes, and as such never get better and ultimately give up trying to get better.
This is still a problem with my sister, over a year after we had to get a full team of psychiatrists to come and convince her to be committed for a while... she's now at university on her own because staying with my mom in isolation was making things way worse. But when she does contact us she sounds happy and social.
That sounds amazing for your sister. Hopefully she sticks with it and things work out. Be sure to be proactive in your relationship with her and nurture her spirit. She's probably finding herself on her own but reinforcement and support from trusted loved ones is important! Speaking from experience.
This is what I fear happened with my ex. Never found out what happened to her in the end, but based on her aversion to seeking help (tried to get her to go for months, finally got her to go, eventually got on meds - or so I was told) in the first place, I don't have much hope that she ever changed for the better.
I pray that she's okay, brother. The important part is you didn't drag yourself down for her. One of my favorite music artists has a lyric that goes "don't kill yourself to raise the dead/it never works/you'll only end up joining them".
People with support systems will get better if they want to and if they try. But if they don't want to or don't try, they only end up dragging their support down. I've seen someone who didn't want help, and they passed away unfortunately. But I've been someone who did get help, and acted on it, and I've been experiencing life like never before.
Absolutely, realise there’s more to relationships than love
Yeah, loving each other isn't enough - you also have to *like* each other.
True, but I was giving a more broad scope with my message. Even if you love someone there could be a time where it's not enough to keep someone alive. Stuff like that.
In the long term, liking and respecting each other is more important.
Respect each other too! And commit.
Anyone who’s been seriously suicidal knows this.
Similarly, even with love in a relationship there are other things that can mean it won't work. Can be something like one person wanting kids and the other one not, or even something as simple as strongly disliking doing things that the other person loves. And of course sexual incompatibility.
Love and trust are intrinsically tied together.
Trust is the question. Love is the answer.
Before you can trust someone else, you have to trust yourself.
Before you can love someone else, you have to love yourself.
And they have to trust you before they love you.
I firmly believe you can love someone without loving yourself, I did it for years. Granted I took care of myself but I didn't feel love for who I am. But I definitely agree with the third point
Not everything is going to be romantic. There are other types of love: the love between family, friends, acquaintances, a teacher and student, an owner and a companion/pet, best friend love, etc.
I think this is a good point. During my philosophy classes years ago, my teacher stated that Greeks actually have separate words for different kinds of love. Pardon me for using wikipedia for this but I'm not native and I don't know what I'm talking about. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Greek_words_for_love
sometimes in life you have to see things for how they are and not how you want them to be since we're all suckers for love.
Effort =/= chance of success
It does help though, and it sure does make it easier to live with the outcome knowing you gave what you could.
This took me a long time to learn. You can want it to work more than anything in the world but that just doesn’t mean it will.
"BuT jUsT kEeP pUtTiNg YoUrSeLf OuT tHeRe!"
Sometimes the most toxic love can be the hardest to let go of.
Fuck, upvoting this. Just went through it.
Hardest thing I've done, was break up with my ex while still being madly in love.
I saw our future and it wasn't pretty. We were so codependent that we forgot our individuality and I never wanted to look back on our relationship with regrets.
Love is the verb, not noun. It's a choice . It's something you do every day.
Most definitely. The “honey moon phase” ends and it’s up to the couple to continue or not. It’s an everyday decision to put someone in front of your selfish ways and it’s difficult.
That I am worthy of it. It was not a lesson easily learned, and it cost me years of misery, but I got it in the end. Even now it can be hard to remember that fact some days, but it’s still true.
I needed to hear that today.
I love you bro you are perfect in your own way and anyone who says otherwise can catch these hands because you are the best
Trusting someone won't make them trustworthy.
Love someone worth it, by all means, but a relationship is founded on duty, or a strong understanding of duty, as well. Can’t have a good relationship without both.
Edit: Thanks for the silver!
This is an underrated understanding. The knowledge that I have a duty to my wife is what gets me through my day.
Disney doesn’t show that side of marriage!
You can be the whole package, just not the right adress.
I’m in the thick of it right now. I still love my daughters mother and keep trying. She doesn’t want to be with me anymore. But for some reason I keep trying. I just can’t seem to move on. It’s honestly killing me inside. So lost and feeling hopeless. It hurts.
I’m sorry to hear, hope you find happiness
You’re in love with who she used to be and your memories of her. Not her, if you get what I mean.
Not sure what advice I can give you, or if I even should. You’ll figure it out on your own, and at the end of the day, know that it’ll pass. Grieve if you must, cry if you must, but know and understand that one day, you just *wont* grieve or cry over her. Don’t try and force yourself to just “give up”. It’ll happen before you even know it.
Good luck, brother, and much love!
I know that feeling. I'm currently experiencing it with my friend, it's been almost a year now and i still think of her and this one lovely summer we had together every single day of my miserable existence. It doesn't seem like i will be able to move on from her ever, honestly.
Just because you love someone and they love you too, doesn't mean you should be together. Love is a great foundation from which to build a relationship, but if love is all you have in common, anything you try to build on that foundation will collapse eventually.
With me and my ex girlfriend it was the opposite, I truly loved her as a person but I never fell In love with her, for 10 months I never said I love you because I was still waiting for it to happen ya know that feeling of being in love with someone.......just didn't happen.
She was cute and such a beautiful person but my heart just didn't fall in love with her and it was wrong of me to keep wasting her time when someone out there could love her the way she deserves.......but it just wasn't me
I can tell you for a fact, 8 months into a relationship when your partner looks you in the eye and says "I love you" and all you can think is "I don't think I love you" but you don't say that because how the hell can you.....that right there will do something to your soul and soon after the relationship starts to crumble one of the worst feelings I have ever felt during my dating life
i’ve been seeing someone for a few months. i just broke things off a few days ago for this exact reason. he felt a connection like never before with me, textbook romance. i felt… *not* that.
so, so painful to have to look in the eyes of someone i was genuinely fond of — just not in love with — and break his heart. such a sick power it felt like, to have his heart strings seemingly dangling around my fingers. i almost suffocated with stress, guilt and uncertainty just trying to get the words out of my mouth. i mean, fuck, how do you say something you know is going to make somebody’s heart shatter? how the hell are you meant to break that kind of news?
our brief relationship had its problems. i’ll spare the details, but had i not called it off when i did, it would be a codependent mess. so i feel a load lighter, and i know i did the right thing — for both of us. but i’m trying to learn the valuable lesson behind all of this, and i sincerely wish my ex does too. on my end, i know i must listen to my heart sooner in the future.
Wow, this is scary to read. I’ve only been long term with someone I’m in love with but eventually that novel “in love” feeling morphs into a secure, wholesome, I-want-the-best-for you-type of love. I often think ppl throw away good relationships bc they don’t feel “in love” not knowing that it’s normal to evolve…not that that is your case bc you knew straight away that you didn’t feel in love.
Feeling of “falling in love” is high key the most bullshit and unreliable form of love. These sort of lovesick people wake up one day, are bored as hell, and decide to interpret that boredom as “I just don’t love you anymore” and walk out on you. They are in it for the high of intense emotion. They bore easily and they don’t know how to cultivate love. It’s like if the relationship was an endless picnic, they’d let you do all the planning, bring only scraps to the table, make no interesting conversation, and complain loudly that they’re bored.
Damn. I’m with a guy right now who told me he loved me 40 days after our first date. I feel like if everyone experienced this type of love early in their lives no one would waste their time because they’d know when it’s right and when it’s not (and trust, I’ve wasted a lot of time). If you don’t know it for sure by 3 or 4 months it’s not gonna happen by month 8. I would bet almost anything she’d been holding that in for a while hoping you’d be the first to say it and finally just gave in. She probably knew in the back of her mind you didn’t.
But that’s rough, I’m sorry. But it sounds like you’re a sensitive person since you could feel so deeply about that moment. Saying goodbye to the wrong thing is still the right thing even if it hurts.
1. Timing is everything.
2. Don't have a child with someone your not in love with.
3. Learn when to let go of the relationship. Don't go on living unhappy because your comfortable in the relationship or afraid of what will come after.
2* or with someone you think isn’t in love with you.
A lot of people settle and later on become resentful
It doesn’t matter how much you love each other, if your vision for how you want to live your lives is fundamentally incompatible with each other.
If you don't share a vision, a goal of how you want to live... It's not going to work.
It's so incredibly painful to accept it when you care for the other person,I'm still trying. But I also know I want to share my life with someone that has the same fundamental idea of how to live.
I feel you, friend. It’s been over a year since we parted ways after 6 years together, and I am so much happier overall now that I am living a life more congruent with myself. I still miss her and some part of me will always love her. Ultimately, I was able to make the decision to leave by realizing that I was hurting her by staying, just as much as she was hurting me, with neither of us intending to. It was the loving thing to do to let her be free to find someone that fit her world and gave her the happiness she deserves.
Unconditional love is something you get from your mom and your dog (and for some, not even your mom; but I was lucky there).
Everyone else ... well, you better figure out what they like about you and what they want from you, and try not to fuck it up.
I would narrow that to good moms, really shit ones will bail on you.
Dogs are too legit to quit
That's why I cherish my mom. She's the most important person in my life.
Both parents died when I was a kid- Mom when I was 19 months, Dad when I was 12 years old. It must be so nice to have that unconditional love. Most others in my life have had such strict guidelines for what I have had to do/still have to do to earn their love. It's exhausting at times.
Omg, same here! And it really *is* so exhausting. It breaks my heart that some people like us simply don't have unconditional love/feeling of safety in their life.
Unconditional love is something that I've only experienced from being a dog owner. We as a species don't deserve dogs.
why not dad?
Dad is the same as mom. Ideally we should get unconditional love from our parents. Not everyone lives in an ideal world though.
This is sad no one mentions their dads.
My dad is an amazing human being that loves me unconditionally. I don’t know how he managed to do that. But he never gave up on me, even long after I gave up on myself.
What is it like having unconditional love?
I grew up with abusive parents so honestly I wouldn’t know. Been in therapy a long time. Always feel like I’m never enough, not worthy of someone. I work really hard in a “normal person’s” job even though I have depression, anxiety and likely CPTSD. Have no idea how I’m alive. Or what safety feels like?
Right. That love, outside of unconditional, doesn't exist. IMO it's a made up term.
I've had women tell me they love me two months into a relationship. I'll say "but you don't even know me" More often than not love is confused with lust.
Unconditional love is in its own category though. It's the type of relationship where damn near anything one does does not effect the feelings toward one another. That is rare (outside of as you stated family and pets).
Throw love outbid the equation. Commit to an individual within a given relationship based on your vows and that's it. Even then those vows aren't likely to hold up over time.
Are humans even built to commit to a single person? I don't think so myself. Otherwise why do we look at and fantasize being with other individuals.
You know that's one issue I have with English, that for saying you care and have feelings for a person you only have the word love, and that's a very strong word/feeling that as you said it's very difficult to feel for someone you have only known for 2 months or so. In Spanish we have Querer and Amar, Querer is that feeling you have for someone that is more than lust or infatuation but not as strong as love, and Amar is love.
Sorry to fixate on that haha
That the adult way of love is much better then my teenager way of love. It hurts way less.
What’s the difference?
It’s not as emotionally charged in my experience. People know more about what to expect and what they want.
Something like that. I enjoy more the way it is now.
Do you? I miss the emotions
I commented something similar on a previous post, but as Bob Marley said
“Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you, You just gotta find the one’s worth suffering for.”
Relating to this as Schopenhauer said human intimacy leads to pain, like porcupines looking for warmth during winter.
It takes two to make things work.
It, like all things, will end - sometimes in the most unexpected and painful of ways.
I hope it ends in death.
Sounds like War of the Roses
True. My girlfriend passed away three weeks ago today and we fully intended on marriage and living a happy life together. I think of her and miss her constantly. Life’s a bitch.
You can do everything right and still be a failure.
You can be the best version of yourself, but that may not matter be what women are attracted to.
That is not a weakness. That is life.
That is not the saying. That's also a horrible outlook on potential outcomes when it comes to relationships. I'm offended you did Capt Picard this dirty.
A person is not a failure if they love someone and they don't receive love in return. Sometimes, that's just how it is. You Sir, are not a failure, because you loved and that love was not returned to you.
Every single romantic relationship you're involved with will fail, until it doesn't. It doesn't mean those other relationships were a failure. You learn. You move on. You try again.
Most people only love you to the degree of utility you are to them. And once you no longer provide any utility to these people the love is gone.
reading this post is very therapeutic.
Sometimes your own mind fucks you over and you lose that special someone because of it.
I think the most important (and hard) lesson is that other people are free to do what they want. They don't owe you feelings, explanations, or something else.
It doesn't matter what YOU FEEL for them. If they don't feel it for you, you'd better not chasing them
It's almost a paradox, but is most about receiving than giving: you receive attentions, you like thrm, you develop something
You point of view is extremely limited
There's no magic and no god will make you unite. It's you and that person
"Hatred is always foolish, and love is always wise", do not hate. Life is hard and you will suffer, but hate will not help,while love may do
Other people are not objects
Your feelings matter a lot
Other people's feeling matter as much as yours
Somewhere on the road you will make someone suffer, and you won't know it. Be kind, be gentle, because some people are not strong enough to survive an hard no
Note: sorry, I got carried away and wrote a list
This is great actually. Recently I got betrayed by a really good friend. I swallowed my feelings and said that I am ready to accept everthing and I will never hate them for their actions. But it hurts me like hell and there is no going back.
The person said sorry. Take care. And I said you too... you are always welcome to change your mind. And they said no. 😖 it hurts
But I am proud of myself.
You’re not meant to possess it. Only meant to appreciate and accept it. Maybe even give it. But never expect it.
Love is a daily choice.
It's okay to leave the past where it lives.
It's not your fault.
Many people want love; but less are able to give it.
Many people have an idea or fantasy in their head as to what love is and what it looks like; and they’ll reject you because you don’t match their ideal. But their ideal isn’t based in reality.
It's not always worth the mental and physical damage
Do not take the person you're with for granted.
It's temporary, conditional, and transactional.
Ngl u just changed my worldview
I wish I could take more credit. I just stole the link off IMGUR and try to share it where appropriate.
How do I show this to my bf without showing this to my bf?
Just show it
Ask him if he thinks love is a feeling or a choice.
Whelp, I just learned a lot about why my wife still stays with my fat, dumb ass.
Expected to be unimpressed, but damn hit the nail on the head.
Ouch, the hope in me doesn’t want to believe in the transaction aspect
The only relationships that aren't transactional are with your parents, if you have good parents
It's not for me.
That it can be taken.
For no reason at all.
That loving someone doesn't mean you need to be with them.
That it's those you love that will cause you the most pain.
Just because you love someone and they love you, doesn't mean it will work out even if you are both wonderful people. Hardest lesson tbh.
Timing is everything and timing is a bitch.
I fell in love when I was 18. I was with that girl for 2 years and then she broke up with me. It tore my heart out. I was with another girl for 3 years and that was more convenient for both of us, we were not really in love. Then I was with another girl for 3 years and she broke up with me. It also tore my heart out. So much so that I have never felt love like that again. I'm married, I'm happy, I love my wife, there comes a point when your heart gets so broken that nothing can repair it. I just cannot experience love like I used to, and that's okay.
You love your wife and are happy that’s all that matters. First/young love hits the hardest.
We just celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary, been together for 16 years now. She is the strongest, funniest and most beautiful woman that I've ever been with. She literally saved me from myself, I don't think I'd be alive today if it wasn't for her. She is definitely an amazing woman. I just feel guilty I don't get that rush of love that I used to.
Eventually,that “in love” feeling morphs into a secure, wholesome, I-want-the-best-for you-type of love anyway and it sounds like you’re there. I think a lot of ppl would love to be in your shoes.
Thanks I needed to hear that.
Most of us don't get affected to that cocktail of love hormones as we age, and that's ok. We are more mature and generally have a better balance between the emotions and the intellect. Everything we do is less emotionally charged, be it love or friendship or career plans. Like we don't think that it will be the end of the world if our best friend moves away, because experience hasmaxe us wiser. But that doesn't mean that our relationships are less deep or true, in fact I think the opposite is true.
It's okay to love conditionally
Healthy relationships require more than love
People are who they are, not your idealized version of them.
If someone wants to leave you, let them
That insanely-passionate, yearning love?
It’s not enough.
How they treat you is a direct reflection of them, not you.
Love is knowing that person will hurt you and you love them anyways… just as you will never be perfect and will make mistakes.. always be willing to apologize and accept apologies and talk about your issues openly.
You have to love the person, not the idea of that person or what you've built them up to be.
For some, love isn't a physical manifestation.
Would you care to elaborate ?
Some people feel truly in love without wanting to get their guts rearranged all the time. Others feel only truly in love while rearranging guts.
It's fleeting, conditional, transactional, impermanent, and easily destroyed forever.
Just because you love each other, it doesn't mean you will have a relationship with her. It needs so much more, such as stability, acceptance or approval families, good characters who want to invest in each other, etc
You’ve got to respect yourself before you can expect anyone else to respect you.
Also- you’re not perfect, so don’t expect perfection in a partner. They are a real person with flaws just like you.
For me, it doesn't exist.
Married twice. Both cheaters, last one messed me up pretty good.
Unconditional love is not healthy. Love needs conditions. Love needs respect and kindness from both people for it to be love.
Otherwise you end up being one of those people writing on r/relationships about if it's normal that your partner throws things at you when they're angry.
You can kill love. Not valuing someone, putting them down, always wanting to be the center of attention can kill another person’s love for you. It doesn’t turn into anything else, it just stops.
Love is cruel and inconsiderate. It happens when i should not and does not appear when it should.
There is no perfect someone for everyone. A large portion of us will go through life with out experiencing love and intimacy.
Is that true? Is it really a large portion of society that never experiences love and intimacy? What about all the couples, they have to be a majority. Regardless of their current status they were in love at one point. I find it hard to believe that most people are like me, lonely losers, who will never have and never had love. I look around me and all I see are people being married and getting married and in relationships. I'm definitely the odd one out. Being unlovable is definitely the minority not the majority.
Even good things have to die....
It's not a matter of how much, how well, or how deeply you love someone. It's not love if the feelings are not returned.
Even if you love someone, and the other one loves you back, it doesn’t always work out.
don't expect people to be as loyal to you as you are to them, you never know who truly has your back until you need them and they don't need you.
Gotta love yourself before you can love others
I always have an issue with this one. Ive always had a hard time of loving myself everyday, but I've consistently held love for others despite it. I think it should be split between internal and external love. I wrestle with internal love, but I've never wavered on the external.
I think loving yourself is an active thing. It means taking care of yourself and taking on the responsibility of making yourself happy. To love yourself isnt just a feeling, its an action.
I don't believe that to be true
That's kinda bullshit from my experience
Right person, wrong time. At other times, wrong person, right time.
And there is nothing you can do about it.
It's not for me
Love isn't fleeing, but it's not always permanent. It's amazing as you grow older how the love of your life can become the love of your life - at that time. And even the one you thought would be your forever can become a distant memory if you don't continue to work on fostering that love all the time. Continue to pursue your partner, even after you've already got them.
Never love any one 100%, you always need to save some for your self.
You should love a person so much that you never get a tattoo of there name on you because thats just a grande gesture that winds up cursing your relationship to be doomed. Love someone enough you know better than to do that
Sometimes they don’t even know what they want.
No matter how wonderful you think a person is, if you gotta practically beg them to be with you, it's not gonna work out.