I'd probably not notice, or I'd do my usual reply of "You too" then cringe at myself and walk away.
and remember it randomly for the rest of your life
***in the shower two years later***
*"Hey...and you got a dumb... face... sigh."*
I think I am the king at way too late comebacks. I appreciate your solidarity.
Yeah well... the JERK STORE called
THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF YOU!
Just remembered telling a waitress to enjoy my dinner too, about 5 years ago. Thanks.
I remember when I drove past a bus stop while singing I Wanna Be Like You in a loud and weird voice, thinking I was alone in the entire world.
Turns out a guy I kind of knew was sitting there, who texted me “nice voice bro lol”. I’ll never forget it and it haunts me in random intervals. 👍
The only way
Fuck me yourself coward!
this is actually the best one
"T..thanks, you too"
Lowkey that's not a bad response
Bonus points if you say it kind of absent mindedly and wave while walking off, like you didn't actually hear them properly
- Brian Regan
I've already been disappointed once today...
This is perfect.. for me. I work in retail and this is borderline non offensive and wholesome ish while still not backing down. Thank you.
Right and the self-deprecation would through the assh*** off.
"Go fuck yourself"
"You sound like my therapist"
I'm being fucking oblivious rn wouldnt this be saying you would let yourself down?
It's kind of putting you both down in a comedic way. You're saying you're a disappointment but also the person you're talking with is a disappointment as well
Drop a live grenade when killed
I can't afford me.
"I don't have a penny to waste"
I don’t have a square to spare
I’ll take one ply! One measly ply!
“I didn’t know you were _that_ broke”
would if i could
Damn, you guys beat me to it.
That's such a throwback. I remember first seeing that om =3
This and “Hey Scotty... Jesus man” really stuck with me for some reason
I now imagine you having t-rex arms.
They're normal arms.
They're just broken.
I used to tell people “if I could, do you think I’d leave the house?”
And also with you.
...and with your spirit.
Wha...? Wha..? wha..? When?
I always forget this is a Mulaney bit because it’s the internal dialogue of every catholic alive for the dialogue switcheroo.
Lift up your hearts.... we lift them up to the lord
It is right to give thanks and praise.
Through him, with him, in him
In the unity of the holy spirit
All glory & honour is yours, almiiighty father
Forever and ever
This made me laugh
Don't threaten me with a good time.
Damn you I was gonna say that!
I came here to say this too.. We're 5 hours late
Missed out on a good time
*panic at the disco walks in*
So I said this to my ex brother in law when we exchanged the kids once, I followed it up by turning to my sister and saying "well I guess got my night figured out" the look on his face, I'll never be more proud of myself.
A coworker told me that once. I said "I fucked myself when I took this job because now I have to look at your ugly face every day". We give each other shit all the time. It's how we show our love.
That's fucking good, gonna use that on my jman lol
What the fuck is a jman?
In the trades it's a journeyman. He must be an apprentice.
Fighter of the night man
I love banter at work, it just makes life more interesting
Stab in the dark but you work in a kitchen don’t you
No response is the best response. People hate to be ignored.
“*YOU FUCK ME YOU COWARD*”
I actually said "Fuck me yourself you pussy" to one of my coworkers and he just lost it couldn't even look at me for the next couple of hours.
Cause it was funny? Or because he loathed you?
Probably just trying to stave off the inevitable erection.
"Your face says 'angry,' but your throbbing erection says 'happy.'"
You're not yourself when you're Hangry...
... have a *huge* COCK, it'll make you feel better. I know it does me. :)
Because it was funny.
I use "Fuck me yourself, coward" but that works too
Hahaha, I actually laughed out loud. Thank you for this.
"FUCK YOU BUDDY MOTHERFUCK"
Fuck youuuu you muddabeech
I think that's one of the funniest videos I've ever seen in my life
Do you have a link?
Got me all curious
“You fuck my mother!!! I eat your shit!!!
you totally fucked up with this reply, could've been fed his own medicine. lel
When someone driving yell or blast their horn, I just give them the OK👌🏼hand sign. It confuses the hell out of them.
I do a friendly wave as though im thanking them for something. They tend to get livid and just lay into the horn.
I blow them a kiss
I was about to say. Watching them second guess themselves, knowing that their insult meant nothing to me is really the best thing to do in that situation
This. I was troubleshooting a fire alarm device one time and the owner of the store angrily came over and said “well what’s the problem?!?!1!!” in a super dick headed voice. Literally ignored him and made him stutter his next words lol and eventually replied “idk I’m working on it” and he stormed away. Dumb arrogant bitch of a man.
“Dumb arrogant bitch of a man” LMAO
Fuck that dude
I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here and say if I ended an interaction with “go fuck yourself” and the other person stays quiet I’ll take that as a victory
Exactly. This advice is good for avoiding confrontation, but the other person is gonna feel like they just owned your ass.
Honestly if the person feels that way, let them have it.. they are a child. You don't need to prove anything.
If someone's running around life just starting shit with randoms for no reason then get maybe they could use a bit of victory in their life because that is a sad existence
>they could use a bit of victory in their life because that is a sad existence
Perhaps, but doing so in this way only reinforces the behavior.
Not if they genuinely smile before they walk away.
The best revenge is living well - if you can learn to GENUINELY not care about the people who hate you, then they will start to hate themselves instead.
A simple, dismissive response work well also. My go to is "K".
In my experience people talk like that because they enjoy getting a rise out of people. They enjoy getting people worked up. Staying calm and walking away is the exact opposite of what they want.
This. It's so oddly satisfying to see nasty people get completely ignored
Will you watch ?
*looks at wrist pretending theirs a watch* eh fuck it I got time
Always make time when *there's* masturbation involved
Found Louis CK
"Fap fap fap fap fap fap fap ugh... I thank you."
you know, sometimes I wish I never had the ability to see.
Awkward pause as I try to come up with a witty retort. No response comes but a blank look on my face. The silence has gone on too long now. I walk away wordlessly. If I have any sense about me, I do it with an air of superiority like I had meant to do this all along, like a cat after a fall.
When words fail, vulgar gestures come out!
Then you think of the perfect thing to say the next morning in the shower.
r/TooMeIrlForMeIrl that fucking hurts lol
“Fuck me yourself, coward.”
Edit: Obligatory thanks for the gold
I remember I did some guy in my class a favour (I don't remember what it is, I probably lent him some money or something) and he said he was so glad he could kiss me, so as a JOKE I said what's stopping you and the madlad straight up tried it without a second of hesitation. He didn't even say no homo
He might have been a homo.
that's a first
i dare u say it
Ugh FUCK ME DADDY
w a t
that sounded like pornhub
You know, there's a slight feeling I have that tells me it might not've been accidental
That’s a fist*
"And that's how I met your mother"
"Joke's on you, I'm crazy enough to do it!"
Do it pussy
"I don't have a pussy, sir...."
"myself? ughh, It's a party not a solo my friend... haha"
You really could use a comma between yourself and coward.
This is the only answer
This is what I always say when people say shit like that to me. It makes them feel unimportant
For me it’s “Oh... ok!”
What if I'm already fucking myself? Behind this simple insult hides a universal paradox that may put your sexuality in question. Let's do a simple thought experiment: imagine us two standing in front of each other. I, of course, am wearing a pair of jeans, that are covering my genitals and my butt. You then command me to "go fuck myself". I may be fucking myself already. I may as well not be fucking myself already. Until my dick and its position relative to my ass is observed, it is simultaneously in my ass, but also outside of it - thus, it stays in superposition. The moment you lay eyes on my penis, both states collide with each other and become either one. You may have already guessed what the problem here is. As soon as a single photon reflected by my dick enters either one of your eyes, you become gay. The only way to avoid this is to not observe my penis. But if you don't look at it, then you will never know if your insult had any effect, thus rendering it meaningless. Since you have already made the insult, you are now, too, in superposition - you're either wrong, or gay. It's unfortunate, really - you dug a hole for yourself without even knowing it. All you can do now is accept it, and learn from your mistakes.
>You're either wrong, or gay
I can't with this, take my award
If I wasn’t poor I’d give this so many awards. Love it.
That my friend is the beauty of quantum physics
found a new copypasta i guess
Oh no. This is one of the finest pastas out there. I can't claim authorship of it. I'm just paying tribute to the beautiful autist that came up with it.
I saw the Beautiful Autists open for Cat Power in 97' at the Skidmore.
Damn good show.
You really had to make this essay huh?
Only if you watch
I wonder which demon pornstar said that
Fuck he got me
Angel Dust? :D
And what do you do, my feminine fellow?
I can suck ya dick.
-scoffs- Your loss.
Hazbin hotel is a masterpeice and i want more of it.
They are too smort
yes. i think.
Though I appreciate the "Fuck me yourself you coward" meme, I prefer the older "[I would if I could, bitch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wc0-wSQd-LQ)".
The hot dog shirt pushes it over the edge for me.
I've spent several hours trying to find that shirt for sale- no luck yet unfortunately
"You know how when you were going to do something anyway, but then someone tells you to do it, this ends up making you not want to any more?"
I have legit said this one so many times
Jack off whilst maintaining eye contact to assert dominance
“When and where?”
**glances at couch*
This is the way.
This is the way
Don’t mind if I do.
I suppose, your mom really could use a break.
Fuck me yourself you lazy bitch!
"I mean, maybe if I take myself to dinner and a show, kind of get to know me, if there's that *spark* then ... I can kinda see it."
Probably say knock knock then you would say who’s there then I’d tell ya fuck off and call you fucking idiot. That’s what I’d do.
*Ok. But I'm going to have to get myself drunk first*
Deadpan them and do an enthusiastic dick sucking motion.
this is why you always keep a banana handy
Stop it mom, your words hurt.
Already did that
I'd rather fuck your sister.
Warning: this answer may result in violence and also define the outcome of a soccer world cup
Add the word "again" to the end.
Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you.
What? Again? I'm going to need like 20 minutes and something to drink.
"Your mom called me over last night but cried because she couldn't get the lens cap off. Fucking amateur hour over there bud."
Fuck you Shoresy!
a true classic
Be back in 5
*starts selfsucking violently*
My dick is so big, I probably could.
I've thought about it before.
"Already fucked, thanks"
My mother-in-law with the master's degree in creative writing would say that to me and my response would always be something like "...the highly educated family wordsmith, ladies and gentleman"
seems like I can't got a month without seeing some article pointing out how highly intelligent people are MORE likely to swear.
Literally laugh out loud. I'm too old to have my feelings hurt by some asshole stranger.
That’s precisely what I need right now, thank you for the reminder.
"And deprive of you the opportunity?"
Haven't used it, but I want to
nah it's boring alone mind doing it for me?
Masturbate furiously whilst staring into their soul.
"Nah, you can do it better than I can."
At least I am guaranteed an orgasm.
Blow them a kiss. It really pisses them off .