T O P
  • By -

llnesisll

I'd probably not notice, or I'd do my usual reply of "You too" then cringe at myself and walk away.


DustyOlBones

and remember it randomly for the rest of your life


StrykerDK

***in the shower two years later*** *"Hey...and you got a dumb... face... sigh."*


wai_bother

I think I am the king at way too late comebacks. I appreciate your solidarity.


FoneTap

Yeah well... the JERK STORE called


Thunder229

THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF YOU!


ZenBacle

Just remembered telling a waitress to enjoy my dinner too, about 5 years ago. Thanks.


Spitdinner

I remember when I drove past a bus stop while singing I Wanna Be Like You in a loud and weird voice, thinking I was alone in the entire world. Turns out a guy I kind of knew was sitting there, who texted me “nice voice bro lol”. I’ll never forget it and it haunts me in random intervals. 👍


Xavbeat03

The only way


morningcarnations

Fuck me yourself coward!


hezied

this is actually the best one


DoWhile

"T..thanks, you too"


CaptainSpaceCat

Lowkey that's not a bad response


arudnoh

Bonus points if you say it kind of absent mindedly and wave while walking off, like you didn't actually hear them properly


Pwarky

"Take...luck!" - Brian Regan


CowboyFleeborg

I've already been disappointed once today...


JesseKarma

This is perfect.. for me. I work in retail and this is borderline non offensive and wholesome ish while still not backing down. Thank you.


Beyond_the_Matrix

Right and the self-deprecation would through the assh*** off.


Stylesclash

"Go fuck yourself" "You sound like my therapist"


quackl11

I'm being fucking oblivious rn wouldnt this be saying you would let yourself down?


A_Sarcastic_Whoa

It's kind of putting you both down in a comedic way. You're saying you're a disappointment but also the person you're talking with is a disappointment as well


owlsgohoootnothoot

Martyrdom: Drop a live grenade when killed


FalconAttack

I can't afford me.


reddicyoulous

"I don't have a penny to waste"


Meaningless_Is_Life

I don’t have a square to spare


NatoRawr

I’ll take one ply! One measly ply!


just-lurking1123

“I didn’t know you were _that_ broke”


gotabonerandsmiling

would if i could


Uuoden

Bitch https://youtu.be/Wc0-wSQd-LQ


TangoDeltaFoxtrot

Damn, you guys beat me to it. ...bitch!


SauceBoy808

That's such a throwback. I remember first seeing that om =3


bhollis6895

This and “Hey Scotty... Jesus man” really stuck with me for some reason


Platywussy

I now imagine you having t-rex arms.


CalydorEstalon

They're normal arms. They're just broken.


Surroundedbygoalies

I used to tell people “if I could, do you think I’d leave the house?”


GwyvrGames

And also with you.


mider-span

...and with your spirit.


Yohahell

Wha...? Wha..? wha..? When?


AmphedUp6214

r/unexpectedmulaney


lbbulldog43

I always forget this is a Mulaney bit because it’s the internal dialogue of every catholic alive for the dialogue switcheroo.


vmateo1324

Amen


Orangucciiang

Lift up your hearts.... we lift them up to the lord


Esleeezy

It is right to give thanks and praise.


Beers_Beets_BSG

Through him, with him, in him


OkAcanthisitta32

In the unity of the holy spirit


widdout

All glory & honour is yours, almiiighty father


Ssgsyamcha

Forever and ever


GimmieGnomes

This made me laugh


UnknownFoxAlpha

Don't threaten me with a good time.


AyrtonSennaz

Damn you I was gonna say that!


Seith21

I came here to say this too.. We're 5 hours late


reddicyoulous

Missed out on a good time


sharpshooter228

*panic at the disco walks in*


gingerattacks

So I said this to my ex brother in law when we exchanged the kids once, I followed it up by turning to my sister and saying "well I guess got my night figured out" the look on his face, I'll never be more proud of myself.


weedful_things

A coworker told me that once. I said "I fucked myself when I took this job because now I have to look at your ugly face every day". We give each other shit all the time. It's how we show our love.


StandAgainstTyranny2

That's fucking good, gonna use that on my jman lol


thesituation531

What the fuck is a jman?


Septicthrowaway

In the trades it's a journeyman. He must be an apprentice.


sammyseaborn

JMAN! AhhhHHHHHh Fighter of the night man


GetFlayed

I love banter at work, it just makes life more interesting


fuckinatodaso

Stab in the dark but you work in a kitchen don’t you


superstarnova

No response is the best response. People hate to be ignored.


Squirtinturds

“*YOU FUCK ME YOU COWARD*”


jeristair

I actually said "Fuck me yourself you pussy" to one of my coworkers and he just lost it couldn't even look at me for the next couple of hours.


thesituation531

Cause it was funny? Or because he loathed you?


Kitten_Sharts

Probably just trying to stave off the inevitable erection.


bearatrooper

"Your face says 'angry,' but your throbbing erection says 'happy.'"


EvryMthrF_ngThrd

Hangry? You're not yourself when you're Hangry... ... have a *huge* COCK, it'll make you feel better. I know it does me. :)


jeristair

Because it was funny.


Epiphany432

I use "Fuck me yourself, coward" but that works too


Maple-Wizard

Hahaha, I actually laughed out loud. Thank you for this.


Spankinator92

"FUCK YOU BUDDY MOTHERFUCK"


Spleens88

Fuck youuuu you muddabeech


ItaliaGirl75VA

I think that's one of the funniest videos I've ever seen in my life


1982throwaway1

Do you have a link? Got me all curious


hsjwjshdh

https://youtu.be/ukznXQ3MgN0


CryptographerRoyal38

“You fuck my mother!!! I eat your shit!!!


[deleted]

[удалено]


shutanovac

you totally fucked up with this reply, could've been fed his own medicine. lel


AutumnBegins

When someone driving yell or blast their horn, I just give them the OK👌🏼hand sign. It confuses the hell out of them.


FrknTerfd

I do a friendly wave as though im thanking them for something. They tend to get livid and just lay into the horn.


endorsedfool85

I blow them a kiss


Xander_Ich

I was about to say. Watching them second guess themselves, knowing that their insult meant nothing to me is really the best thing to do in that situation


meleecleave

This. I was troubleshooting a fire alarm device one time and the owner of the store angrily came over and said “well what’s the problem?!?!1!!” in a super dick headed voice. Literally ignored him and made him stutter his next words lol and eventually replied “idk I’m working on it” and he stormed away. Dumb arrogant bitch of a man.


RealisticHamster7945

“Dumb arrogant bitch of a man” LMAO


serd12

Fuck that dude


squishyspy

I’m gonna play devil’s advocate here and say if I ended an interaction with “go fuck yourself” and the other person stays quiet I’ll take that as a victory


-Vertical

Exactly. This advice is good for avoiding confrontation, but the other person is gonna feel like they just owned your ass.


ABCosmos

Honestly if the person feels that way, let them have it.. they are a child. You don't need to prove anything.


riskycommentz

If someone's running around life just starting shit with randoms for no reason then get maybe they could use a bit of victory in their life because that is a sad existence


thesituation531

>they could use a bit of victory in their life because that is a sad existence Perhaps, but doing so in this way only reinforces the behavior.


stop_the_broats

Not if they genuinely smile before they walk away. The best revenge is living well - if you can learn to GENUINELY not care about the people who hate you, then they will start to hate themselves instead.


-snipps-

A simple, dismissive response work well also. My go to is "K".


Kid_Named_Trey

In my experience people talk like that because they enjoy getting a rise out of people. They enjoy getting people worked up. Staying calm and walking away is the exact opposite of what they want.


AbbertDabbert

This. It's so oddly satisfying to see nasty people get completely ignored


Fiery_Raven

Will you watch ?


jajabean2

*looks at wrist pretending theirs a watch* eh fuck it I got time


reddicyoulous

Always make time when *there's* masturbation involved


sleepzaking

Found Louis CK


Appropriate-Newt5926

*unzip*


FrostFurnace

"Fap fap fap fap fap fap fap ugh... I thank you."


__Crabby_

you know, sometimes I wish I never had the ability to see.


DEEPTHROATHOTDOGES

Awkward pause as I try to come up with a witty retort. No response comes but a blank look on my face. The silence has gone on too long now. I walk away wordlessly. If I have any sense about me, I do it with an air of superiority like I had meant to do this all along, like a cat after a fall.


RagingAardvark

When words fail, vulgar gestures come out!


theoopst

Then you think of the perfect thing to say the next morning in the shower.


Patrody

r/TooMeIrlForMeIrl that fucking hurts lol


RSlashLazy

“Fuck me yourself, coward.” Edit: Obligatory thanks for the gold


KickTheCanYT

"Gladly sir."


GenericHuman1203934

I remember I did some guy in my class a favour (I don't remember what it is, I probably lent him some money or something) and he said he was so glad he could kiss me, so as a JOKE I said what's stopping you and the madlad straight up tried it without a second of hesitation. He didn't even say no homo


zaxnyd

He might have been a homo.


Samus388

that's a first


KickTheCanYT

i dare u say it


Woodstonks

Ugh FUCK ME DADDY


aesthetickitty_gacha

w a t


real_hongjinfang

that sounded like pornhub


[deleted]

r/accidentalpornography


TheREALGuardMan912

You know, there's a slight feeling I have that tells me it might not've been accidental


Sensitive-Ad-2733

That’s a fist*


TheLastRookie

"And that's how I met your mother"


Mark_Twayne

"Joke's on you, I'm crazy enough to do it!"


RSlashLazy

Do it pussy


Mysterion320

"I don't have a pussy, sir...."


RSlashLazy

Even better


Leftybassist9

Touché


KickTheCanYT

"myself? ughh, It's a party not a solo my friend... haha"


nokittythatsmypie

You really could use a comma between yourself and coward.


Ancient-Concept4671

This is the only answer


FreshprinceofVi

Ok


abigailleyva

This is what I always say when people say shit like that to me. It makes them feel unimportant


DoctorCorn

For me it’s “Oh... ok!”


Vendetta290

"K"


param_T_extends_THOT

What if I'm already fucking myself? Behind this simple insult hides a universal paradox that may put your sexuality in question. Let's do a simple thought experiment: imagine us two standing in front of each other. I, of course, am wearing a pair of jeans, that are covering my genitals and my butt. You then command me to "go fuck myself". I may be fucking myself already. I may as well not be fucking myself already. Until my dick and its position relative to my ass is observed, it is simultaneously in my ass, but also outside of it - thus, it stays in superposition. The moment you lay eyes on my penis, both states collide with each other and become either one. You may have already guessed what the problem here is. As soon as a single photon reflected by my dick enters either one of your eyes, you become gay. The only way to avoid this is to not observe my penis. But if you don't look at it, then you will never know if your insult had any effect, thus rendering it meaningless. Since you have already made the insult, you are now, too, in superposition - you're either wrong, or gay. It's unfortunate, really - you dug a hole for yourself without even knowing it. All you can do now is accept it, and learn from your mistakes.


SmartAssGary

Schrödinger's dick


stpdcnt

Schlongdinger


megaloduh

>You're either wrong, or gay I can't with this, take my award


KnightofDis

If I wasn’t poor I’d give this so many awards. Love it.


__Crabby_

***huh?***


param_T_extends_THOT

That my friend is the beauty of quantum physics


CockDaddyKaren

found a new copypasta i guess


param_T_extends_THOT

Oh no. This is one of the finest pastas out there. I can't claim authorship of it. I'm just paying tribute to the beautiful autist that came up with it.


PoopNoodle

I saw the Beautiful Autists open for Cat Power in 97' at the Skidmore. Damn good show.


MrKuffy

You really had to make this essay huh?


OliJoliBoli

Only if you watch


infamousquil

I wonder which demon pornstar said that


OliJoliBoli

Fuck he got me


AyaAishi

Angel Dust? :D


Annie_McP

And what do you do, my feminine fellow?


HorrorMan007

I can suck ya dick.


rbanders

HA! *No.*


HorrorMan007

-scoffs- Your loss.


wildflxwrr

Hazbin hotel is a masterpeice and i want more of it.


OliJoliBoli

They are too smort


Cobalt_Snow

yes. i think.


the_loneliest_noodle

Though I appreciate the "Fuck me yourself you coward" meme, I prefer the older "[I would if I could, bitch](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wc0-wSQd-LQ)".


kindle139

the fuck.


fistymcbuttpuncher

The hot dog shirt pushes it over the edge for me.


TangoDeltaFoxtrot

I've spent several hours trying to find that shirt for sale- no luck yet unfortunately


MentORPHEUS

"You know how when you were going to do something anyway, but then someone tells you to do it, this ends up making you not want to any more?"


Joe-Schmeaux

Maybe later.


iSinging

I have legit said this one so many times


Buddy-Matt

Jack off whilst maintaining eye contact to assert dominance


thirdAccountIForgot

“When and where?” **glances at couch*


GrendelDerp

This is the way.


StormtrooperWho

This is the way


LuminousMeatwad

Don’t mind if I do.


shmo-shmo

I suppose, your mom really could use a break.


Axeman1721

Fuck me yourself you lazy bitch!


akaioi

"I mean, maybe if I take myself to dinner and a show, kind of get to know me, if there's that *spark* then ... I can kinda see it."


Newtons_Cradle87

Probably say knock knock then you would say who’s there then I’d tell ya fuck off and call you fucking idiot. That’s what I’d do.


[deleted]

With pleasure.


Ron_Fuckin_Swanson

*Ok. But I'm going to have to get myself drunk first*


Maggie-Mac89

Deadpan them and do an enthusiastic dick sucking motion.


jonesywestchester

this is why you always keep a banana handy


boramk

Stop it mom, your words hurt.


80moose

Already did that


Kriskao

I'd rather fuck your sister. Warning: this answer may result in violence and also define the outcome of a soccer world cup


LameName90210

Add the word "again" to the end.


typesett

Well, the Jerk Store called, and they're running out of you.


goblinmarketeer

What? Again? I'm going to need like 20 minutes and something to drink.


[deleted]

[удалено]


jonesywestchester

"Your mom called me over last night but cried because she couldn't get the lens cap off. Fucking amateur hour over there bud."


bige5150

Fuck you Shoresy!


Clone3A7

a true classic


ShacoIsLit

no u


skinnab

Be back in 5


ducktape8856

...seconds.


the_new_longneck

*starts selfsucking violently*


[deleted]

My dick is so big, I probably could.


rapidSpinningTurtle

I've thought about it before.


DarkPasta

"Already fucked, thanks"


fred_lincoln

My mother-in-law with the master's degree in creative writing would say that to me and my response would always be something like "...the highly educated family wordsmith, ladies and gentleman"


irving47

seems like I can't got a month without seeing some article pointing out how highly intelligent people are MORE likely to swear.


pudding7

Literally laugh out loud. I'm too old to have my feelings hurt by some asshole stranger.


MirandaJP555

That’s precisely what I need right now, thank you for the reminder.


guter567

"And deprive of you the opportunity?" Haven't used it, but I want to


azjier

nah it's boring alone mind doing it for me?


nmarzan89

Masturbate furiously whilst staring into their soul.


geico_fire

"Nah, you can do it better than I can."


zide78

At least I am guaranteed an orgasm.


somedayisnow97

Blow them a kiss. It really pisses them off .