T O P

If Harry Potter was set in the United States, how would the story change?

If Harry Potter was set in the United States, how would the story change?

King_Neptune07

Quidditch coach is the highest paid "professor" at the school


Cricket_Sufficient

Also no more broom sticks… they ride swiffer wet jets! Nah know what? They ride hockey sticks.. or just shovels.. or whatever handle they can put between their legs..


Yevin523

Harry would probably live in New Jersey. Ron would probably live in Kentucky or tennessee, and hermione would probably be from California. They would go to ileverany(I spelled it wrong it’s the North American wizard in school), which is in Massachusetts. There would be a train but only for people in Boston-New York-philly-DC corridor. Everyone else would use flying cars. Outside of that it is a typical American boarding school.


Pjseaturtle

You bring up a good point, in the Harry Potter universe do all of the kids from Scotland go south to London to get on a train to bring them back to fucking Scotland, it seems like all of the students are on the train so wtf. Fuck the scots I guess lmao


Geminii27

The Hogwarts express is traditional, particularly for first-years. (I mean, come on, the *Malfoys* use it.) With Apparition, the Floo network, and presumably various other insta-travel options, dropping your kids off at Kings Cross from across the country isn't that much of a stretch.


PM_me_spare_change

Oh yeah, I forgot they’re magic.


breakerofsticks

It was a fairly small part of Harry Potter no one would fault you for forgetting such a miniscule detail


lethargicsquid

And their parents have teleportation. It's amazing that the magic world would ever develop the desire to operate a train. This must be the only train in the entire magic world.


Nikopavvi8

Technically the train is the only access to Hogwarts because they don't want to be noticed flying there and teleport a bunch of kids is a mess. At least this is what the Harry Potter Fandom wiki says.


sausagecatdude

Airport terminal 9 and 3 quarters


fotografamerika

The kids run through a magic wall and still have to go through wizard TSA


sausagecatdude

Is that more than 8 mL of of healing potions Harry?


n1c0_ds

Millilitres? These ain't no units I've ever heard of


cshcsh531

I think he means milligallons


n1c0_ds

>miligallons I hate this so much


cutelyaware

Fine, 1/64th gallons then.


HankChinaski-

To be fair, Hogwarts probably could have used another level of security!


Honest_Joseph

Taco Tuesdays at the Great Hall


cockwizard1

disappointing how there isnt already a established taco tuesday. 0/5 for evrything harry potter related


jscott18597

All i can think of is Nelly trying to eat a taco on The Office. Do British people really not understand the joy of a good taco?


cjoll4

For, um, for two tacos we'd probably need about, what, twenty... twenty dollars?


ZenosTrucker

Eagles instead of Owls. Sasquatch instead of Centaurs.


DaemonTheRoguePrince

> Eagles instead of Owls. Too conventional. Leave it to the Wizarding World to adopt the mythical Ben Franklin's turkey idea instead. Idk how the fuck that'd work as a delivery service, mind you, but still.


danfish_77

Turkeys can run and also fly a bit (they can climb trees, for instance) . I imagine magic ones could do more


ZenosTrucker

OK, as a non US national, I had to look this up. I cant imagine how it would work either, but it has enormous comedic potential. "Pardon Me, Gobble Gobble, You've got Mail" I think that Turkeys, due to their tastiness, would be a 'single use' bird.


DaemonTheRoguePrince

https://i.redd.it/852n140nqx161.png Power and authority personified.


Rough_Idle

For whatever reason that reminds me of Zoidberg.


Jimmers1231

This quidditch match is brought to you today on ESPN by Swiffer, the official broom of the Quidditch Cup.


ialo00130

I can just imagine Harry having one of those basic ones that come apart in like 4 pieces, only to be gifted the super nice ones with the button that sprays.


uhbijnokm

The NCAA might have something to say about him accepting a gift that valuable.


BigDrisk

Quidditch in the old South West Conference was crazy…I remember when Texas A&M offered Eric Dickerson that gold swiffer and he took it and rode it up to Dallas to sign his letter of intent with SMU.


BenDisreali

This is a deep cut. Not going to get a lot of people who know about both quidditch and SMU's death penalty.


Keep_SummerSafe

Nathan Fillion would’ve been cast as Guilderoy Lockhart


SAOkirito1

I feel like that would actually work well enough


raven00x

Not all changes gotta be bad


Raptors2017champs

The Rock as Hagrid.


mainlyupsetbyhumans

Snape would have fallen to his death from Nakatomi Tower.


GreatMagusKyros

“Yippee-ki-yay, mugglefucker!”


Biased_Dumbledore

Oh, well done 10 points to Gryffindor


barista2000

Harry Hard Harry Hard 2 Harry Hard: With A Vengeance Live Free or Harry Hard A Good Day to Harry Hard


fhod_dj_x

Harry Still Hard Harry 7: Potter Babies


Wile-E-Quixote

If he was still hard after all that of course there's gonna be babies


archeous123

The cursed child


MontyVonWaddlebottom

Now I have a wand Ho-Ho-Ho


SpunkiMonki

Harry Potter IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE


Johnnyfutbol86

"I'm not a common sorceror I am an exceptional one. And since I'm moving up to alchemy you should be more polite!!"


Helm222

There needs to be some fanfic where Snape and 10+ European Wizards do a heist at Gringots


SardScroll

"The Diagon Alley Job"


DeborahIsabela

Ron would be from a farm and wear a cowboy hat.


satooshi-nakamooshi

There'd be a lot more denim in the Weasley household


LightBadger

The part about Harry marrying his best friend’s sister so his mother figure can be his mother-in-law would be the same though. Edit: forgot to mention that it’s his best friend’s sister who looks pretty much like his own mother


MightyWaen

Sweet Home Azkaban.


otter5

GinAy Weasley


urzaz

Ginny *Lynne* Weasley


_Volly

Run Ron...RUN


Mythbusters117

Yippee ki-yay, muggle lover


ItsIllegalToDoCrime

howdy harry


ASAP1492

Ron? What are you doing here? Rescuing you, of course… partna


Isimagen

> partna Found that damned Yankee trying to blend in!! Get the rope, boys!


I_amnotanonion

I think they could also be like an Appalachian family that lives in a holler in the east Kentucky coalfields


krazekrittermom

I feel exposed


Suibian_ni

Wear an invisibility cloak.


justsomeguy_youknow

Ron would be from Utah and there would also be like 8 more Weasley siblings, several of which have children of their own


BeerGogglesFTW

Now I want a Wizarding World series that takes place in the 19th century old west. ...or maybe even a bit further back. Lewis and Clark were actually wizards that needed to tame the magical new world before non-magical settlers moved in.


DM-Wolfscare

This is actually a cool idea! Would the entire expedition be wizards, or are these two trying to hide the blatant magical world from them? Do the Native Americans know about magic?


Illier1

You've obviously never been to Clortho Inner City Wizarding School.


-eDgAR-

[Link](https://youtu.be/j-2ZxldMO-M) for those who haven't seen this Key and Peele sketch and here's a [vimeo link](https://vimeo.com/54162829) in case the YouTube video is blocked in your country.


n1i2e3

Abracadabra School for Special Needs Wizards at 161 ranks higher than Clortho, damn.


PureSubjectiveTruth

Dark arts technical institute isn’t a real school.


Chojen

It'd be funny if it was a real school, just completely non-magic related. Like Dark arts is a specialized discipline of Studio Lighting for darker scenes and this muggle school is just a few places below Clorthos.


MadMasterMad

Vincent Clortho is such a heavy ghostbusters reference that I honestly expected to see the ghostbusters mixed into this skit.


tylercreatesworlds

How have I never seen this? That was wonderful. "we got two little ***** back here on swiffers."


ErwinsSasageyoBalls

Oh my god that's amazing, thank you. "Now normally we would not touch the kids like this when they're in human form..."


Sinthe741

I didn't notice the cat wearing the durag until now lmao.


dragonofthewest0

But when they’re an animal, we just have at it


HonestlyADumbass

(Paraphrasing) We don't have the funds to change him back... Normally this would be wrong but he's a cat now so it's fine. Favorite part of that skit.


pimparo0

I lose it at the freaking do-rag.


Camshaft92

The "half the team is riding mops, we got two little n****s on Swiffers" line gets me every time


Illier1

"Here Darrell got turned into a rat (pets rat). Oh wait..wait...this isnt Darrell this is just a rat!"


SEND_ME_SPIDER-MAN

Wizard Pepper!


awesomemilio

“One in five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby!”


BowlOfBeard

Here is a want with a silencer! Why?! And I ask again: why?!


Illier1

"We got 5 girls pregnant with demon babies!"


BareBearFighter

The babies are evil, but the girls are good kids


DateSuccessful6819

I like the part where they're riding around on a Swiffer 😂


ozzien20

Straight out of Clortho! Crazy Muggle Fucker named IceCube! From the coven called Warlocks With Attitude!


Mal_Reynolds11

Master has given Dobby a Glock!


Pelanty21

Dobby Freeman*


fangorn_forester

The D is...not silent


bretto2004

In the book, if i remember right, dobby was inadvertently given a sock that was hidden in a book, or something... imagine the scene but the glock rolled up in a playboy


DodGamnBunofaSitch

they would change 'philosopher's stone' to 'sorcerer's stone'


Realistic_Inside_375

Never understood that one, why translate it when surely philosophers are a thing in America too


Snakem69

The editors wanted Rowling to change the name to “Sorcerers Stone” so that the readers would know the book is about magic, and not some philosopher with a theory about a stone and sends a random guy on a mission to find it. Edit: Most people that are not American underestimates an American’s brain capacity. Im American. We are not as stupid as you think. Just most of us are like that *coughs in alabama*.


Abuses-Commas

*Harry Potter and the Allegory of the Cave*


blargablargh

Harry Potter's *Republic*.


nobd7987

*Harry Potter and the Prisoner’s Dilemma*


riedmae

Upton Sinclair presents Harry Potter and the Jungle of Secrets


Time_Capt

The Apology of Harry Potter


csl512

Harry Potter and the Trolley Problem?


GleeUnit

Harry Potter and the Supply Side Economic Policy


oldfruitthrowaway

Harry Potter and the Proper Filing of a Schedule C Tax Addendum for a Sole Proprietorship


minneapple79

Scholastic actually wanted something like "Harry Potter and the School of Magic." It was Rowling who suggested Sorcerer's Stone.


BronzeAgeTea

Scholastic: "We want: 'The Orphaned Boy Went to Magical School But Killed a Teacher With His Special Touch'." Rowling: "I'll give you 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone'." Anime Producers: "Well hold on now, let's hear them out."


deskbeetle

"that time I got reincarnated as the boy who lived" "Is it wrong to pick up witches in a dungeon?" "Leviosa! My next life as the chosen one; all routes lead to broom"


BronzeAgeTea

"HARRY: I Don't Want to Get Hurt, so I'll Teach Defense Against the Dark Arts" "The 8th Weasley? Are You Kidding Me?" "After Being Rejected, I Shaved and Took in the Dark Lord's Soul" "Lucky Boy: The Boy Is Underpowered but Overly Lucky" "Suppose a Kid from Under the Cupboard Moved to a Wizard School?"


GladiatorDragon

“So I’m a Wizard, So What?” “I studied magic for 8 years and beat the dark lord!” “Magic Arts Offline”


willingly-ignorant

Keep in mind when the first book came out it was just another kids book. The US publishers 1) didn't think enough of the US population had heard of a philosophers stone before (she didn't make it up, the name and idea is very old) and 2) they didn't think a children's book with philosopher in the title would sell. By making the change they made the type of book more obvious from the title while widening the appeal. If it wasn't for the minor detail that sorcerer's stone isn't the correct name for object being described the change makes perfect sense.


Juswantedtono

Also she got rejected by dozens of other agencies. It may seem like their compromise was stupid in hindsight, but at least they published it.


jeffbell

Because Philosophers are considered too snooty in the way they talk. Nobody cares for the Philosophers' Tone.


river4823

The [Philosopher's Stone](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosopher's_stone) is myth much older than Harry Potter, but the publishers didn't think anyone in America would get the reference. I guess some people outside America also missed it.


sprtsjnk247

Dudley would’ve been a Juggalo


Anonymous_Otters

Fuckin magic, how does that work?


zilltheinfestor

What's wrong Potter!? Don't like Faygo!?


battlelevel

I tried Faygo for the first time recently. The only flavour the place had was cotton candy. It tasted exactly like cotton candy, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing.


Phobos95

Honestly if you put Juggalo culture aside, Faygo is amazing. You'd be hard pressed to find another 710ml bottle of pop with so much variety, that has the MSRP printed right on the bottle to shame retailers into selling for that price.


rodinsleftarm

Big Duggalo


cherriedgarcia

This is my favorite comment lol


tim_likes_bikes

Side note. My coworker today said her friend is now dating a cholo. And I misheard her and thought she said ‘choggalo’, as in a cholo juggalo and this was a word I didn’t know yet. I was so, so disappointed to find out I had misheard her.


BargainBrandEngineer

Seeing as the book is set during the early 90’s, probably a few more mentions of what an incredible run Michael Jordan and the Bulls were having


tall__guy

Front page of the Daily Prophet: 'MJ is a Wizard!'


_O_G_

Michael Jordan takes a break from basketball and plays Quidditch instead of baseball?


IFuckTheDrummer

The Looney Toons then show up to help defeat the evil Slytherin Quidditch team.


KingOfSwing90

This is, I’m assuming, [inspired by this Tweet](https://twitter.com/tatefrazier/status/1422716652387323904?s=20)


zilltheinfestor

Harry Potter and the 93 NBA finals.


shirk-work

Quidditch would be more like American football.


abe_the_babe_

Gridditch, a full contact sport where riding the broom surfboard style is encouraged


throwitaway488

if the school is in the northeast it would just be lacrosse on brooms


sbw2012

It pretty much is, isn't it?


TheMasterFul1

We took care of our Witch and Wizard problems in 1692.


Background-Radish-63

This made me lol.


el_throw

Laughing? Witch!


Derikoopa

"Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way..."


sixfigurefemme

Thank god somebody else remembers this. It felt like a fever dream I had in Jr high


outtsideyerhouse

Azkaban would be at full capacity


Canuckleball

With a disproportionate percentage of Muggle born prisoners on nonviolent potion related offenses


chessant2014

Azkaban would be a private prison owned by Death Eaters who donate a million galleons per year to Fudge's superPAC


Softpipesplayon

Tom Riddle and the War of Wizard Aggression


King_Neptune07

War of muggle aggression*


cgyguy81

No train ride to Hogwarts. Instead, parents will be dropping them off by car. A huge parking lot just outside Hogwarts, and instead of Diagon Alley, a large Wal-Mart exists surrounded by nothing more than another parking lot


DatKaz

And they don't even need to use magic to hide the school, just put it in Nebraska.


satooshi-nakamooshi

Wizarding Walmart would be amazing


Magmaniac

No, it's just a Walmart.


craziedave

All the stuff we think is junk is actually just magic


huntergreenhoodie

The secret entrance to Wizarding Walmart is inside a Target.


IAmAWizard_AMA

You have to dive head-first into the center of the Target logo


Gingersnap5322

Username checks out


Deafbones

Madame Pomfrey would charge out the arse for the Skele-Gro


throwitaway488

Madam Pomfrey would have tylenol because its a public school.


pandadogunited

What public school did you got to where the nurses had medicine? Mine just had ice packs, and even then you were lucky if you got one.


no_we_in_bacon

Your school had a nurse?


profpluminthehall

Instead of Harry, Ron and Hermione, their names would be Dylan, Ron and Hannah. (Sorry Ron, you’re just a Ron.) They drink Mountain Dew. Diagon Alley is a Simon Malls property. Hagrid is played by John Goodman. Dumbledore is played by Samuel L. Jackson. The Weasley’s flying car is a black Dodge Ram with truck nuts and a gun rack.


CylonsInAPolicebox

Dumbledore is Morgan Freeman for the first two movies but he quit and was replaced by Samuel L Jackson.


joshgreenie

"Did you put your mother fucking name in the mother fucking goblet of mother fucking fire Harry you dumb mother fucker!?!?"


DownforceOfDoom

- Dumbledore asked calmly.


Acceptable-Record267

There would be an adventure (like the ones on Halloween and Christmas) on Thanksgiving


batterycrapper

[Harry Potter and the Deathly Weapons](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS3y1Q3mFVw)


Itsjeancreamingtime

>Ayn Rand’s Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone >“You’re a wizard, Harry,” Hagrid said. “And you’re coming to Hogwarts.” >“What’s Hogwarts?” Harry asked. >“It’s wizard school.” >“It’s not a public school, is it?” >“No, it’s privately run.” >“Good. Then I accept. Children are not the property of the state; everyone who wishes to do so has the right to offer educational goods or services at a fair market rate. Let us leave at once.” https://the-toast.net/2014/05/27/ayn-rands-harry-potter-sorcerers-stone/


soupyllama03

> “Malfoy bought the whole team brand-new Nimbus Cleansweeps!” Ron said, like a poor person. My sides


redditor_pro

"Hermione ached with desire for the both of them to master her, but nobody paid her any attention. They had empires to build."


Various_Weakness_377

>Harry and Ron stood before the Mirror of Erised. “My God,” Ron said. “Harry, it’s your dead parents.” >Harry’s eyes flicked momentarily over to the mirror. “So it is. This information is neither useful nor productive. Let us leave at once, to assist Hagrid in his noble enterprise of raising as many dragon eggs as he sees fit, in spite of our country’s unjust dragon-trading restrictions.” This is amazing


Grogosh

>“I cannot do that. This wand represents my wealth, which is itself a tangible result of my achievements. Wealth is the product of man’s capacity to think,” Harry said bravely. > Voldemort gasped. Snort


Coochie_Creme

>Professor Snape stood at the front of the room, sort of Jewishly. I’m dead


[deleted]

[удалено]


Musical_Tanks

That is so hilariously dumb I love it


MrBigRagePig

This is coming in the adult re-write that JK is working on know, I have it on good authority.


novacham

Disregard bitches, acquire currency.


motherofmanycats

Fuck witches, get knuts 😎


BeraldGevins

“Give me your wand, boy,” Voldemort hissed. “I cannot do that. This wand represents my wealth, which is itself a tangible result of my achievements. Wealth is the product of man’s capacity to think,” Harry said bravely. Voldemort gasped.


GruffScottishGuy

For people who like this check out LPD (Libertarian Police Department) by Tom O'Donnel. *I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief. “Bad news, detective. We got a situation.” “What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?” “Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.” The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?” “Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.” “Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.” He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.” “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.” I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside. “Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t. “Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up. “Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?” It didn’t seem like they did. “Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.” Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing. I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it. “Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled. Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him. “Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen. I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!” He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose. “All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.” “Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy. “Because I was afraid.” “Afraid?” “Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.” I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head. “Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.” He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.*


Mad_Maddin

"I shot the Mailbox again, on purpose" had me rolling.


Eldorian91

I had to put a quarter in my glasses to read that.


Beegrene

It's funny because Harry is only rich because he inherited a ton of gold from his parents and did nothing to earn any of it.


commentsandchill

***He made himself.***


calculatedx

"Welcome to Hogwarts y'all"


survivalsnake

Neither the Hogwarts Express nor the Knight Bus would be in existence. The only way to get around would be privately owned brooms.


joelluber

Or Elon Musk's Hyperfloo


FeelThePower999

Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them.


heyitssal

Hogwarts would be in beautiful West Virginia. Students would not be able to leave due to the meth and opiod junkies that dwell in the forest.


bartbartholomew

All the muggles would have guns, and wizards would be terrified of being found.


Birdy_Cephon_Altera

"It's not leviOsa, it's Yippie-kay-yay, Motherfucker!"


BitPoet

Say "Accio" again! I dare you, motherfucker!


WishOnSpaceHardware

"Expelliarmus!" "Naw, that spell's for pussies and commies, son, we got 'stand your ground' laws. Avada Kedavra!"


didnsignup4dis

Harry Potter and the chamber is loaded


RaskolniKvothe

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Crips


ashamedprotein

Yer a gangsta, Harry


RaskolniKvothe

Are you ready to Rumbledore?


Separate_Rip_8762

Harry Potter and the prisoner of Alcatraz


purplewigg

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fanta


bombergirl97

Harry Potter and the Order of McDonald's.


Reverse_Waterfall

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollow-Points


51st-state

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo.


i_could_be_wrong_

I think you mean [Harry Potter and the Deathly Weapons](https://youtu.be/E3bayNGdrQ0)


svenvbins

Brought a smile on my face while watching, but laughed out loud at the scenes where Nevil got shot and Harry left on the train. Thanks!


RaskolniKvothe

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer, Stone Cold Steve Austin


unauthorizedexcess29

'My name is Professor Steve Austin & i'm your defense against the Corporate Ministry teacher. Now give me a HELL YEAH!!'


Honest_Joseph

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of a For-profit Incarceration System


yaccamole

THE FLYING CAR WOULD BE EITHER A DODGE CHARGE OR A RAM 1500


lyan-cat

Nah; a station wagon or a minivan. It belonged to the Wesley's ffs, they have way too many kids to transport.


SpitFyre8513

Late 80s Astro van…


cellulargenocide

One of the participants in the Triwizard Cup would have been Vincent Clortho public high school.