If Harry Potter was set in the United States, how would the story change?
By - Cuish
Quidditch coach is the highest paid "professor" at the school
Also no more broom sticks… they ride swiffer wet jets! Nah know what? They ride hockey sticks.. or just shovels.. or whatever handle they can put between their legs..
Harry would probably live in New Jersey. Ron would probably live in Kentucky or tennessee, and hermione would probably be from California. They would go to ileverany(I spelled it wrong it’s the North American wizard in school), which is in Massachusetts. There would be a train but only for people in Boston-New York-philly-DC corridor. Everyone else would use flying cars. Outside of that it is a typical American boarding school.
You bring up a good point, in the Harry Potter universe do all of the kids from Scotland go south to London to get on a train to bring them back to fucking Scotland, it seems like all of the students are on the train so wtf. Fuck the scots I guess lmao
The Hogwarts express is traditional, particularly for first-years. (I mean, come on, the *Malfoys* use it.) With Apparition, the Floo network, and presumably various other insta-travel options, dropping your kids off at Kings Cross from across the country isn't that much of a stretch.
Oh yeah, I forgot they’re magic.
It was a fairly small part of Harry Potter no one would fault you for forgetting such a miniscule detail
And their parents have teleportation. It's amazing that the magic world would ever develop the desire to operate a train. This must be the only train in the entire magic world.
Technically the train is the only access to Hogwarts because they don't want to be noticed flying there and teleport a bunch of kids is a mess. At least this is what the Harry Potter Fandom wiki says.
Airport terminal 9 and 3 quarters
The kids run through a magic wall and still have to go through wizard TSA
Is that more than 8 mL of of healing potions Harry?
Millilitres? These ain't no units I've ever heard of
I think he means milligallons
I hate this so much
Fine, 1/64th gallons then.
To be fair, Hogwarts probably could have used another level of security!
Taco Tuesdays at the Great Hall
disappointing how there isnt already a established taco tuesday. 0/5 for evrything harry potter related
All i can think of is Nelly trying to eat a taco on The Office. Do British people really not understand the joy of a good taco?
For, um, for two tacos we'd probably need about, what, twenty... twenty dollars?
Eagles instead of Owls.
Sasquatch instead of Centaurs.
> Eagles instead of Owls.
Too conventional. Leave it to the Wizarding World to adopt the mythical Ben Franklin's turkey idea instead. Idk how the fuck that'd work as a delivery service, mind you, but still.
Turkeys can run and also fly a bit (they can climb trees, for instance) . I imagine magic ones could do more
OK, as a non US national, I had to look this up. I cant imagine how it would work either, but it has enormous comedic potential.
"Pardon Me, Gobble Gobble, You've got Mail"
I think that Turkeys, due to their tastiness, would be a 'single use' bird.
Power and authority personified.
For whatever reason that reminds me of Zoidberg.
This quidditch match is brought to you today on ESPN by Swiffer, the official broom of the Quidditch Cup.
I can just imagine Harry having one of those basic ones that come apart in like 4 pieces, only to be gifted the super nice ones with the button that sprays.
The NCAA might have something to say about him accepting a gift that valuable.
Quidditch in the old South West Conference was crazy…I remember when Texas A&M offered Eric Dickerson that gold swiffer and he took it and rode it up to Dallas to sign his letter of intent with SMU.
This is a deep cut. Not going to get a lot of people who know about both quidditch and SMU's death penalty.
Nathan Fillion would’ve been cast as Guilderoy Lockhart
I feel like that would actually work well enough
Not all changes gotta be bad
The Rock as Hagrid.
Snape would have fallen to his death from Nakatomi Tower.
Oh, well done
10 points to Gryffindor
Harry Hard 2
Harry Hard: With A Vengeance
Live Free or Harry Hard
A Good Day to Harry Hard
Harry Still Hard
Harry 7: Potter Babies
If he was still hard after all that of course there's gonna be babies
The cursed child
Now I have a wand
Harry Potter IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE
"I'm not a common sorceror I am an exceptional one. And since I'm moving up to alchemy you should be more polite!!"
There needs to be some fanfic where Snape and 10+ European Wizards do a heist at Gringots
"The Diagon Alley Job"
Ron would be from a farm and wear a cowboy hat.
There'd be a lot more denim in the Weasley household
The part about Harry marrying his best friend’s sister so his mother figure can be his mother-in-law would be the same though.
Edit: forgot to mention that it’s his best friend’s sister who looks pretty much like his own mother
Sweet Home Azkaban.
Ginny *Lynne* Weasley
Yippee ki-yay, muggle lover
Ron? What are you doing here?
Rescuing you, of course… partna
Found that damned Yankee trying to blend in!! Get the rope, boys!
I think they could also be like an Appalachian family that lives in a holler in the east Kentucky coalfields
I feel exposed
Wear an invisibility cloak.
Ron would be from Utah and there would also be like 8 more Weasley siblings, several of which have children of their own
Now I want a Wizarding World series that takes place in the 19th century old west.
...or maybe even a bit further back. Lewis and Clark were actually wizards that needed to tame the magical new world before non-magical settlers moved in.
This is actually a cool idea! Would the entire expedition be wizards, or are these two trying to hide the blatant magical world from them? Do the Native Americans know about magic?
You've obviously never been to Clortho Inner City Wizarding School.
[Link](https://youtu.be/j-2ZxldMO-M) for those who haven't seen this Key and Peele sketch and here's a [vimeo link](https://vimeo.com/54162829) in case the YouTube video is blocked in your country.
Abracadabra School for Special Needs Wizards at 161 ranks higher than Clortho, damn.
Dark arts technical institute isn’t a real school.
It'd be funny if it was a real school, just completely non-magic related. Like Dark arts is a specialized discipline of Studio Lighting for darker scenes and this muggle school is just a few places below Clorthos.
Vincent Clortho is such a heavy ghostbusters reference that I honestly expected to see the ghostbusters mixed into this skit.
How have I never seen this? That was wonderful. "we got two little ***** back here on swiffers."
Oh my god that's amazing, thank you.
"Now normally we would not touch the kids like this when they're in human form..."
I didn't notice the cat wearing the durag until now lmao.
But when they’re an animal, we just have at it
(Paraphrasing) We don't have the funds to change him back... Normally this would be wrong but he's a cat now so it's fine.
Favorite part of that skit.
I lose it at the freaking do-rag.
The "half the team is riding mops, we got two little n****s on Swiffers" line gets me every time
"Here Darrell got turned into a rat (pets rat). Oh wait..wait...this isnt Darrell this is just a rat!"
“One in five girls in this school is pregnant with a demon baby!”
Here is a want with a silencer! Why?! And I ask again: why?!
"We got 5 girls pregnant with demon babies!"
The babies are evil, but the girls are good kids
I like the part where they're riding around on a Swiffer 😂
Straight out of Clortho! Crazy Muggle Fucker named IceCube! From the coven called Warlocks With Attitude!
Master has given Dobby a Glock!
The D is...not silent
In the book, if i remember right, dobby was inadvertently given a sock that was hidden in a book, or something... imagine the scene but the glock rolled up in a playboy
they would change 'philosopher's stone' to 'sorcerer's stone'
Never understood that one, why translate it when surely philosophers are a thing in America too
The editors wanted Rowling to change the name to “Sorcerers Stone” so that the readers would know the book is about magic, and not some philosopher with a theory about a stone and sends a random guy on a mission to find it.
Edit: Most people that are not American underestimates an American’s brain capacity. Im American. We are not as stupid as you think. Just most of us are like that *coughs in alabama*.
*Harry Potter and the Allegory of the Cave*
Harry Potter's *Republic*.
*Harry Potter and the Prisoner’s Dilemma*
Upton Sinclair presents Harry Potter and the Jungle of Secrets
The Apology of Harry Potter
Harry Potter and the Trolley Problem?
Harry Potter and the Supply Side Economic Policy
Harry Potter and the Proper Filing of a Schedule C Tax Addendum for a Sole Proprietorship
Scholastic actually wanted something like "Harry Potter and the School of Magic." It was Rowling who suggested Sorcerer's Stone.
Scholastic: "We want: 'The Orphaned Boy Went to Magical School But Killed a Teacher With His Special Touch'."
Rowling: "I'll give you 'Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone'."
Anime Producers: "Well hold on now, let's hear them out."
"that time I got reincarnated as the boy who lived"
"Is it wrong to pick up witches in a dungeon?"
"Leviosa! My next life as the chosen one; all routes lead to broom"
"HARRY: I Don't Want to Get Hurt, so I'll Teach Defense Against the Dark Arts"
"The 8th Weasley? Are You Kidding Me?"
"After Being Rejected, I Shaved and Took in the Dark Lord's Soul"
"Lucky Boy: The Boy Is Underpowered but Overly Lucky"
"Suppose a Kid from Under the Cupboard Moved to a Wizard School?"
“So I’m a Wizard, So What?”
“I studied magic for 8 years and beat the dark lord!”
“Magic Arts Offline”
Keep in mind when the first book came out it was just another kids book. The US publishers 1) didn't think enough of the US population had heard of a philosophers stone before (she didn't make it up, the name and idea is very old) and 2) they didn't think a children's book with philosopher in the title would sell.
By making the change they made the type of book more obvious from the title while widening the appeal.
If it wasn't for the minor detail that sorcerer's stone isn't the correct name for object being described the change makes perfect sense.
Also she got rejected by dozens of other agencies. It may seem like their compromise was stupid in hindsight, but at least they published it.
Because Philosophers are considered too snooty in the way they talk.
Nobody cares for the Philosophers' Tone.
The [Philosopher's Stone](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosopher's_stone) is myth much older than Harry Potter, but the publishers didn't think anyone in America would get the reference. I guess some people outside America also missed it.
Dudley would’ve been a Juggalo
Fuckin magic, how does that work?
What's wrong Potter!? Don't like Faygo!?
I tried Faygo for the first time recently. The only flavour the place had was cotton candy. It tasted exactly like cotton candy, but I don’t know if that’s a good thing.
Honestly if you put Juggalo culture aside, Faygo is amazing. You'd be hard pressed to find another 710ml bottle of pop with so much variety, that has the MSRP printed right on the bottle to shame retailers into selling for that price.
This is my favorite comment lol
Side note. My coworker today said her friend is now dating a cholo. And I misheard her and thought she said ‘choggalo’, as in a cholo juggalo and this was a word I didn’t know yet. I was so, so disappointed to find out I had misheard her.
Seeing as the book is set during the early 90’s, probably a few more mentions of what an incredible run Michael Jordan and the Bulls were having
Front page of the Daily Prophet: 'MJ is a Wizard!'
Michael Jordan takes a break from basketball and plays Quidditch instead of baseball?
The Looney Toons then show up to help defeat the evil Slytherin Quidditch team.
This is, I’m assuming, [inspired by this Tweet](https://twitter.com/tatefrazier/status/1422716652387323904?s=20)
Harry Potter and the 93 NBA finals.
Quidditch would be more like American football.
Gridditch, a full contact sport where riding the broom surfboard style is encouraged
if the school is in the northeast it would just be lacrosse on brooms
It pretty much is, isn't it?
We took care of our Witch and Wizard problems in 1692.
This made me lol.
"Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way..."
Thank god somebody else remembers this. It felt like a fever dream I had in Jr high
Azkaban would be at full capacity
With a disproportionate percentage of Muggle born prisoners on nonviolent potion related offenses
Azkaban would be a private prison owned by Death Eaters who donate a million galleons per year to Fudge's superPAC
Tom Riddle and the War of Wizard Aggression
War of muggle aggression*
No train ride to Hogwarts. Instead, parents will be dropping them off by car. A huge parking lot just outside Hogwarts, and instead of Diagon Alley, a large Wal-Mart exists surrounded by nothing more than another parking lot
And they don't even need to use magic to hide the school, just put it in Nebraska.
Wizarding Walmart would be amazing
No, it's just a Walmart.
All the stuff we think is junk is actually just magic
The secret entrance to Wizarding Walmart is inside a Target.
You have to dive head-first into the center of the Target logo
Username checks out
Madame Pomfrey would charge out the arse for the Skele-Gro
Madam Pomfrey would have tylenol because its a public school.
What public school did you got to where the nurses had medicine? Mine just had ice packs, and even then you were lucky if you got one.
Your school had a nurse?
Instead of Harry, Ron and Hermione, their names would be Dylan, Ron and Hannah. (Sorry Ron, you’re just a Ron.) They drink Mountain Dew. Diagon Alley is a Simon Malls property. Hagrid is played by John Goodman. Dumbledore is played by Samuel L. Jackson. The Weasley’s flying car is a black Dodge Ram with truck nuts and a gun rack.
Dumbledore is Morgan Freeman for the first two movies but he quit and was replaced by Samuel L Jackson.
"Did you put your mother fucking name in the mother fucking goblet of mother fucking fire Harry you dumb mother fucker!?!?"
- Dumbledore asked calmly.
There would be an adventure (like the ones on Halloween and Christmas) on Thanksgiving
[Harry Potter and the Deathly Weapons](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tS3y1Q3mFVw)
>Ayn Rand’s Harry Potter and The Sorcerer’s Stone
>“You’re a wizard, Harry,” Hagrid said. “And you’re coming to Hogwarts.”
>“What’s Hogwarts?” Harry asked.
>“It’s wizard school.”
>“It’s not a public school, is it?”
>“No, it’s privately run.”
>“Good. Then I accept. Children are not the property of the state; everyone who wishes to do so has the right to offer educational goods or services at a fair market rate. Let us leave at once.”
> “Malfoy bought the whole team brand-new Nimbus Cleansweeps!” Ron said, like a poor person.
"Hermione ached with desire for the both of them to master her, but nobody paid her any attention. They had empires to build."
>Harry and Ron stood before the Mirror of Erised. “My God,” Ron said. “Harry, it’s your dead parents.”
>Harry’s eyes flicked momentarily over to the mirror. “So it is. This information is neither useful nor productive. Let us leave at once, to assist Hagrid in his noble enterprise of raising as many dragon eggs as he sees fit, in spite of our country’s unjust dragon-trading restrictions.”
This is amazing
>“I cannot do that. This wand represents my wealth, which is itself a tangible result of my achievements. Wealth is the product of man’s capacity to think,” Harry said bravely.
> Voldemort gasped.
>Professor Snape stood at the front of the room, sort of Jewishly.
That is so hilariously dumb I love it
This is coming in the adult re-write that JK is working on know, I have it on good authority.
Disregard bitches, acquire currency.
Fuck witches, get knuts 😎
“Give me your wand, boy,” Voldemort hissed.
“I cannot do that. This wand represents my wealth, which is itself a tangible result of my achievements. Wealth is the product of man’s capacity to think,” Harry said bravely.
For people who like this check out LPD (Libertarian Police Department) by Tom O'Donnel.
*I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.
“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”
“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”
“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”
The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”
“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”
“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”
He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”
“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”
I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.
“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.
“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.
“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”
It didn’t seem like they did.
“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.
I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.
“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”
He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.
“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”
“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.
“Because I was afraid.”
“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”
I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.
“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.*
"I shot the Mailbox again, on purpose" had me rolling.
I had to put a quarter in my glasses to read that.
It's funny because Harry is only rich because he inherited a ton of gold from his parents and did nothing to earn any of it.
***He made himself.***
"Welcome to Hogwarts y'all"
Neither the Hogwarts Express nor the Knight Bus would be in existence. The only way to get around would be privately owned brooms.
Or Elon Musk's Hyperfloo
Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them.
Hogwarts would be in beautiful West Virginia. Students would not be able to leave due to the meth and opiod junkies that dwell in the forest.
All the muggles would have guns, and wizards would be terrified of being found.
"It's not leviOsa, it's Yippie-kay-yay, Motherfucker!"
Say "Accio" again! I dare you, motherfucker!
"Naw, that spell's for pussies and commies, son, we got 'stand your ground' laws. Avada Kedavra!"
Harry Potter and the chamber is loaded
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Crips
Yer a gangsta, Harry
Are you ready to Rumbledore?
Harry Potter and the prisoner of Alcatraz
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fanta
Harry Potter and the Order of McDonald's.
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollow-Points
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Guantanamo.
I think you mean [Harry Potter and the Deathly Weapons](https://youtu.be/E3bayNGdrQ0)
Brought a smile on my face while watching, but laughed out loud at the scenes where Nevil got shot and Harry left on the train. Thanks!
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer, Stone Cold Steve Austin
'My name is Professor Steve Austin & i'm your defense against the Corporate Ministry teacher. Now give me a HELL YEAH!!'
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of a For-profit Incarceration System
THE FLYING CAR WOULD BE EITHER A DODGE CHARGE OR A RAM 1500
Nah; a station wagon or a minivan. It belonged to the Wesley's ffs, they have way too many kids to transport.
Late 80s Astro van…
One of the participants in the Triwizard Cup would have been Vincent Clortho public high school.