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That's dark.


So is the forest.


oh dear


Thats one that I was going to tell


What about this one? This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"


This reminds me of the jokes that one guys tells in the movie Predator. So I was going down on my girlfriend the other day, and while I’m there I say "Jeez you got a big pussy! Jeez you got a big pussy" and she says "why’d you say it twice?" So I say "I didn’t". It was the echo. I forget the other good one at the moment. Also about his girlfriends pussy I believe.


Doctor asked me for a semen, stool and urine sample. I said, "Hell doc, I ain't got time for that! Can't I just leave my underwear?".


Actually just watched Predator last week. IIRC he tells Billy like 3 jokes and that's the only joke that gets a reaction, and it gets a big hearty laugh.


> I forget the other good one at the moment. Hey Billy. Billy! The other day, I went up to my girlfriend, I said, "Y'know I'd like a little pussy". She said, "Me too, mine's as big as a house!".


doctor: i have good news and bad news parents: start with the good news doctor: your baby will be able to park wherever he wants


A man's wife got in a car accident, so he comes to the hospital. Doctor: I have terrible news for you, your wife's esophagus and guts have been severely damaged so you'll have to manually feed her and she'll poop in a box in her stomach. Her groin is a mess, so no sex. She's basically a plant now. The man gets pale and begins to shake. Doctor: Relax mate, I was just kidding. She's dead.


As an Emergency Room doctor (A and E 'accident and emergency' where I practice), I am definitely using this in future to soften the blow. People often remark on my cold bedside manner. Not any more! /s ... did it need an /s? Are people really that humourless..?


I told my wife's gynecologist the following joke. Of course it was *during* the exam. He said he would use it with the right patients. > What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist? > > A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynecologist looks up the family bush I hope he really does use it!


What do a puppy and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common? A wet nose.


>/s No but that made me smirk harder, well played. Here's another one just in case (of emergency) A husband is visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. While doing so, the wife lets out a sigh. Pleasantly surprised, the husband runs out and tells the doctor. "That is a good sign," suggests the doctor, "Why don't you try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction." The husband returns to his wife's bedside and rubs her right breast which brings a moan from his wife. He rushes out again and tells the doctor. The doctor thinks this is amazing and could perhaps be a real break through. The doctor then suggests the man return to her bedside and perform oral sex. More than happy to accommodate, the husband returns to his wife's bedside to do his deed. Some five minutes later, the husband comes running from his wife's bedside screaming for the doctor. "What's going on?" asks the doctor. The husband yells, "My wife stopped breathing!" "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Everything seemed to be looking good a few minutes ago." The husband replies, "She choked."


Norm MacDonald told a version of this joke on Conan. First time I heard it I laughed until I cried.


RIP to Norm MacDonald. There will never be another.


yup. this is a classic norm macdonald joke.


Doctor: I have good news and bad news. Parents: Start with the good news. Doctor: Your child will have a disease named after him.


A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office. The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.” “I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?” “Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”


Joke on the NSFW part: I’m a doctor and told this at work and it killed.


How many?


You shouldn't kill at work, Doctor!


Did you hear about the blind prostitute? You gotta hand it to her…


My wife smokes after we have sex. Guess we should use lube next time


A guy says to his friend "I've been giving blowjobs for money. So far I've made $5.05." His friend asks "Who gave you the nickel?" "Everybody!"


I'm dense, can anyone explain this,?


Cos the 5p is such an odd low number it sticks out Like if a prostitute said she made 100 quid, you'd assume she fucked maybe 5 men. If she said she made 101 quid, you'd assume she fucked 5 men and wonder who gave her the extra 1quid. So upon asking the question, she answers everybody. Meaning 101 people paid 1 quid each


What do a Pizza delivery driver and Gynocologyst have in common? It's fine if you smell it, but if you taste it, you're going to lose your job.


Oh damn that’s a good one


A guy says, “I can't remember if the doctor told me if my wife has AIDS or Alzheimer's.” The friend replies, "It's simple. Drive her to the other side of town. If she comes home, don't fuck her.” also sorry


Please tell me the results, Doctor. I'm very sorry but you have cancer. Plus, I'm sad to say, you also have Alzheimer's. Well.... at least I don't have cancer.


Ok, this one is good.


I might have Alzheimer's, but at least I don't have Alzheimer's.


This is a very strong joke. 10/10


Why can't you remodel a porn theater? All the walls are load bearing.


That’s solid!!!! 🤣


That's what happens if you let it sit around for too long


Doctor: Is this your first prostate check? Patient: yes Doctor: alright...don't get an erection.. Patient: What?? Doctor: sorry, i was talking to myself.


A man has two black eyes. His friend asks what's happened. "You see, this morning I was going to work by bus, then a woman stood in front of me and I noticed that her dress is in the craсk of her butt so I pulled it. She hit me" "Yeah, but what about the other eye?" "Well, when I was going back from work there was the same woman and she had her dress in the craсk of her butt again. My friend pulled it out and I said "Idiot, she doesn't like this" and put it back in".


Dang two new jokes I haven’t heard of back to back, you don’t miss good stuff


Oh really? They're old as hell but here's a bad one for a change then A man calls emergency: \- Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom! After five minutes, the same man calls back: \- It's OK, I found another one.




A farmer bought himself a rooster and was pleased when it fucked all 100 of the hens by morning. After lunch the farmer went outside and saw the rooster had fucked all the swans. Later that evening the farmer found the rooster dead in the road with vultures flying around it. The farmer said “you deserve it you horny bastard” then the rooster pointed up and said “shhhhhh, they’re about to land”


I had an 80 year old lady tell me this joke once. Still cracks me up.


"I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time," a husband says to his wife. She thinks about it for a moment and then responds, "Your penis is bigger than your brother's."


...I'm pregnant. Dont worry, it's not yours.


Guy 1: "I can't believe you had sex with her!" Guy 2: "She was just laying there on the table, what was I supposed to do?" Guy 1: "The autopsy! Fuck's sake, you are the worst vet ever!"


Hahaha! The second part of the punchline, I really didn't see that coming.


Ah layers


A young man went up to his father and asked him, "Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?" His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"


Also, for the sake of nostalgia: Your Momma's like a Bowling Ball. She gets picked up, fingered, thrown down a dark alley, and still comes back for more.


Well yours is like a basketball, she gets banged against the ground repeatedly and by multiple people


Nice. Well done. Like your Mom. 😜


What's the difference between your mom and a bowling ball? Bowling balls only take 3 fingers..


Your momma's so fat she uses the "Blue Origin" for foreplay.


Did you know that pigeons die after they have sex? Well, the one I fucked did.


God dammit . I posted this then decided to check if it was already here and here tf it is. Fair deal


What the difference between a priest and acne? Acne doesnt come on a boys face until he's 13 years old.


I spilled my coffee rolf


rolling on the laughing floor


I was actually laughing while typing and cleaning said coffee... but why not, rolling on the laughing floor sounds good too.


Who dares summon the son of a shepard.


what's the similarity between priests and evil spirits? they do always enter the body of a young boy/girl


A woman, tired of living alone, decides to put an ad in the local paper. She asks for three things: 1. A man who will treat her nicely, 2. A man who won't leave her, and 3. A man who is good in bed. Several weeks go buy without a result, and the woman is resigned to life without a man who can embody those qualities. Then, the doorbell rings and she opens it to find an armless, legless man in a wheelchair. He says, "I'm here about the ad in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms, so I can't beat you, and I have no legs, so I can't run away from you." The woman is skeptical, and asks, "Yeah, but are you good in bed?" The man answers, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"


I was in a computer store and the guy at the desk told me this joke, funny dude.


That's an... interesting choice for a joke to tell a customer while you're working


They reference this joke in 'Freaks and Geeks' by having characters say the punchline. I've never actually heard the full joke!


A newlywed Catholic couple decides to give up sex for Lent. After they start, they realize how tough it is and are miserable. He starts sleeping in another room and they lock the doors to hold down the temptation. Finally the glorious Easter morning comes and she wakes up to this pounding on the door. "Oh Honey, I know what you're knocking for." "Yeah, but do you know what I'm knocking with?"


Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.  The bike looks better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It's shiny and in great condition. He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. 'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome as It protects it from the rain, and he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.  That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.  Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family. 'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the FIRST person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.' 'No problem,' he says.. And in they go. Joe is shocked.Right in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. He leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. He reaches over and fondles her breasts. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table and screws her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. She's got a great body too. Joe grabs mom, bends her over the table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table. She has a big orgasm, & Joe sits down. His girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, & Mom is beaming from ear to ear. But still ... . Total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouts. I'll do the fuckin’ dishes!! Another one of my fav: With school, I just want an A. With you, I just want to F


The poor dad


That setup was so good im dead


Worth reading, good one


One day a professor is giving a lecture on the paranormal. To include the students he begins asking them questions. ‘Raise your hands if you think you’ve ever seen a ghost.’ Half the students raise their hands. ‘Keep them up if you’ve ever spoken to a ghost.’ Several hands drop. ‘Keep your hands up if you’ve ever made friends with a ghost.’ Most of the hands drop. To be funny he says ‘keep them up if you’ve ever made love to a ghost.’ All the hands drop except one. Stunned the professor calls the student to the front of the room. ‘Are you telling me you’ve honestly made love to a ghost?’ The students replies ‘OH! GHOST. I thought you said GOAT.’


It’s interesting, the ghosts


But you're ruining the tour!


It's the adult tour. It's not for kids.


…big fat load of cum, then.


What's blue and fucks grannies? Hypothermia. (Alternative answer - "me in my lucky blue coat")


Wayne Rooney?


The Tory party


A priest and a rabbi are on a school trip to Rome with their respective classes on a plane. As the plane gets into rough turbulences and is about to crash the rabbi grabs the only parachute on the plane and as he is about to jump out the priest jells: "rabbi what about the kids?" The rabbi says "fuck the kids" The priest looks at him in confusion: "do we have time for that?"


and vice versa, Priest and a rabbi walking past a park where kids are playing. The priest says "hey Rabbi, want to go in the park and fuck a few kids?", and the Rabbi, quizzically looks at the priest and says "out of what?"


Once upon a time there was a hippie who always took the #6 bus home from work. For a month now, he noticed this pretty nun who rides the bus too on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It was Tuesday so he was excited. Soon as she sat down he goes over to her and tries to ask her out on a date. She refuses, of course, telling the hippie she is married to God. The next day, he takes the bus home and the bus driver called him over. He went to the front and the bus driver said, "I saw you get shot down by that cute nun. That was hard to watch. But you've always been a cool passenger so I'm gonna give you a tip." "I'm listening," says the hippie. The bus driver said, "On Thursdays, after you get off at Spring Street, I go down my route and the nun always always always gets off at the cemetery to pray. Now, all you need to do is dress like God and hide in the cemetery. When she kneels and prays, you show up, tell her you heard her prayers, and convince her she has to have sex with you since she is married to you." The hippie got excited, thanked the bus driver, and hurried home to make a God costume. The next day, the hippie took half the day off from work and hid in the cemetery, wearing his God costume. He waited and waited. Eventually, the nun appeared and started to pray in front of an old gravestone. The hippie quietly set up some lights and fog machine and set them off as he walked to the nun. The nun was astonished. The hippie said, "Fear not. It is I, your God. I have heard your prayers." The nun replied, "Oh, oh thank you Lord." Then the hippie said, "And since you have dedicated your life to me, we will now have intercourse." The nun was hesitant. But to the hippie's delight the nun said, "Okay. Since I am married to you, anyway. I think it will be alright. But...as you know...we can only do anal because I can't be pregnant." The hippie thought, "Fuck...I guess anal is better than nothing". So he said in his God voice impression, "Of course, yes, yes." The nun turned around and bent over the gravestone. The hippie hiked up his robes and proceeded to take the nun from behind. After he finished, the nun spoke up, "That was really good. Was it good for you, God?" The hippie replied, "It was fucking.... phenomenal... but I'm not God." He ripped off his mask and said, "HAHA IT'S ME, THE HIPPIE FROM THE BUS!" Then the nun, still bent over, ripped off her mask and said, "HAHA IT'S ME, THE BUS DRIVER!"


I just bought my son a trampoline, The ungrateful fuck just sat in his wheelchair and cried the whole time.


A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a Rum n Coke. The bartender hands the man an apple. Confused, the man asks why he was given an apple, the bartender tells him to take a bite. The man does and is shocked that he tastes rum. The bartender looks at the man and says “Turn it around.” The man turns the apple around and takes a bite, and is shocked again that he can taste coke. As the man is enjoying his apple, another man walks up to the bar and asks for a Gin and Tonic. The bartender hands the second man an apple. Before the second man can say anything, the first man says “Dude, trust me on this. Take a bite.” The second man takes a bite of the apple and is surprised to taste Gin. The bartender then tells him “Turn it around.” The man spins the apple and takes another bite, and is again surprised to taste tonic. As both men are sitting there, enjoying their apples. A third man approaches the bar. Before he can say anything, the second man looks at the third man and says. “Bro, no matter what you want, this guy has an apple for it.” The third man looks at the bartender and asks “Do you have an apple that tastes like pussy?” The bartender smirking says mockingly “Do I have an apple that tastes like pussy?” and hands the man an apple. The third man bites into the apple and suddenly spits it out and with disgust yells “THIS APPLE TASTES LIKE SHIT!!!” The bartender yells back at the man “TURN IT AROUND!”


This is the first one to make me laugh out loud


Jim and his wife Wendy go on their honeymoon to to Caribbean. One night after a lot of drinks, they decide to get each others name tattooed, she gets it on her boobs, and he gets it on his dick. Well, he notices pretty quickly that when flaccid, you can only see the first and the last letters "Wy". He's kinda disappointed, but it's not really a problem. On their way home, they're in the airport and Jim goes to piss. He sees a Jamaican man at the urinal next to him that has Wy tattooed on his dick. He is a bit weirded out, so he asks the man "Hey, I know this is weird, but we seem to have the same tattoo." And shows the man the Wendy tattoo on his dick. The man shakes his head. "Nah mon... mine say 'Welcome to Jamaica, we hope you enjoy your stay.'" ----- A janitor at a Catholic church is sweeping up around the confessional when the priest comes out and says "Hey, I need to run to the bathroom, can you cover for me for a bit? There's a cheat sheet in there, just fake your way though, I won't be long." So the janitor shugs and steps into the confessional. Sure enough, stapled to the inside of the booth is a list of common sins and various penances. Soon after, a man comes in and sits down. "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I stole from my neighbor." The Janitor looks over the sheet and says. "Fear not my son, pray the Hail Mary 5 times and you will be forgiven of this sin." The first man leaves and another sits down. "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I masturbated to pictures of my best friends wife." Again, the janitor looks at the list. "Fear not, pray the rosary every night this week and you will be forgiven." The man leaves. No one comes for a while, then a young girl comes in. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I gave my boyfriend a blowjob in the parking lot." The janitor looks over the list again but can't find the girls sin. "One moment, daughter." he says, and leaves the booth. He can't find the priest, but sees an altar boy nearby. He waves the boy down. "Look, can you help me? What does the father usually give for a blowjob?" The boy shrugs and says, "I dunno about you but I usually get a Snickers." and walks away.


What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea? I've never paid $100 to have a lentil on my face Edit: about 50% of replies to this are reminding me that it's a garbanzo bean, not a lentil. However, I've always found a lentil to be funnier when telling the joke in person for two reasons. 1) it's a bit punchier. Garbanzo bean is a lot of syllables and can get hung up in your mouth if, say, you've been doing a little drinking with your buddies. When this joke is likely to come out. 2) when you use lentil, people know right away you're setting up a joke, because there's an obvious difference and we're primed for jokes of that format. When you ask someone, or a group of people, "what's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?" They're more likely to respond with "they're the same thing" and the joke falls flat. Someone mentioned George Carlin, and I bet on stage, garbanzo bean is funnier because you have more control over the situation. In person, though, go with lentil.


What's the difference between jam and jelly? I can't jelly my cock down your throat


What's the difference between an enzyme and a hormone? I've never made an enzyme


Kids, we didn't see Lily for six weeks.


How do you circumcize a red neck? Kick his sister in the jaw.


What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair


A guy walks into a bar. The bartender, a noticeably attractive woman, notices the guy immediately with his smokin-ass body. Lots of muscle mass and lean. But due to his tiny head she was still not too into him. Though she was curious about his head so she asked him what the deal was. Here is his response: “Okay so you’re not going to believe this. I went cave diving off the Gold Coast and I shit you not I ran into a mermaid. Now if you’re crazy enough to believe me then I’ll tell you what you’ll never believe… she granted me 3 wishes! So immediately I asked for the physique of a professional body builder and to have all the money I could ever need. After that I really couldn’t really figure out what else I wanted. I was good with the two wishes I had made so I tried to leave but she kept pestering me. It was clear she wasn’t going to leave me alone until I made the third wish. >!Well she was super attractive so figured I’d ask her, ‘okay hey, how about a little head?’”!<.




A woman is walking down the street with her three children: Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock. As everyone is walking Rose asks her mother, “Mother, why is my name Rose?” And her Mother replies with, “Oh, because when we were walking home, a Rose landed on your head.” All three girls hearing this Lily says, “Mother, why is my name Lily?” Their mother would reply, “Because when we were walking you home, a Lily landed on your head.” As for Cinderblock? Well Cinderblock went, “Hhghnggnnghhh.”


it’s a great joke, a classic, but it’s more effective if you don’t reveal their names at the beginning!


I've always heard it end with "Shut up, Brick."


Alright alright


Son: Why is my sister called Teresa? Dad: Cos your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram Son: Thanks dad Dad: No problem Alan


How do u spot a blind man on a nude beach? It's not hard....


"I wanna start by saying that as a pedophile, I rarely fit in. . ."


My girlfriend left me and as she went out the door she screamed at me: "You're a pedophile!" Big words for a 10 year old.


So there I am at a restaurant with my 19 year old girlfriend, and there's everyone yelling at me. Calling me a sicko, and a pervert, and a pedophile...really upsetting stuff. Completely ruined our tenth anniversary dinner.


Well, say what you will about pedophiles... at least they go slow through school zones


- This never fails to be funny - I always heard it as: *As a pedophile, I always have trouble fitting in* Either way, always funny.


Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes.


My daughter is starting to ask some really tough questions about sex and I don't know how to answer them. Just yesterday she asked me, "daddy, is that the best you can do?".


I think there might be incest in my family. My father's dick tastes like my sister's pussy.


Walked in on my sister masturbating with a carrot. Yelled at her, "I was going to eat that later! Now it's going to taste like carrots!"


*sweet home Alabama intensifies*


I laughed guiltily, then upvoted. Bravo.


>guiltily There something you'd like to confess?


Like to? Noooo.


The first time I had anal sex was like the first time I played rugby for the school. Afterwards I was bruised and bleeding, but at least my father came.


Oh shit.


Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears. Confused, his father asks what's wrong. "Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."


Mommy, when do I get my second wee-wee? Honey, you only get one wee-wee. But Daddy has two. A small one for peeing and a big one for brushing the babysitter's teeth.


Apparently 1 out of 3 men are peadophiles. So, statistically you're living next door to one. Not me though, I just live next to a couple of hot 11 years olds.


So i got this big problem with a friend of mine... This guy is extremly pissed about me, because i sniffed at his sister's underpanties. I don't know if it's because she was still wearing them or her parents were present.... Dude, i tell ya... strange funeral.


Well that escalated very fast


Roses are red, Cacti are prickly, Oh dear gods, That escalated quickly.


Sir/ Madam I'm here to inform you, that your rhyme was saved and will be used wisely. Thank you


(Commented this on another similar thread lol) T'was the night before christmas... And all through the house not a creature was stirring. Not even a mouse... ...They really should have bought a carbon monoxide detector...


Why don’t Santa and Mrs. Claus have any kids? Because Santa only comes down the chimney.


Son came up to Dad one day asking for the difference between theory and practice. - All right, I'll tell you but first you have to go ask your sister if she is willing to have sex with an ugly millionaire for a million bucks. So the boy asked his sister: - Well, I'm still a virgin but for a million? Hell yes! - she replied excitedly. When he came back with the answer the Father told him to pose the same question to the boy's Mother. - Well, I don't know, I'd rather not, being married and all, but for a million? YES! - the Mother exclaimed. Once again, returning with the answer the Son was redirected to get Grandpa's perspective: - Oh my, I was married to Nana for 45 years, but since she passed I think I might try something new, for a million no less, I say "Hoo-Ah!", let's do this! The boy returned to his dad and summarized family's answers to the burning question and finally got the response he wanted: - Son, you asked me for a difference between theory and practice. In theory we are a family of millionaires and in practice we have two whores and a bi-curious octogenarian, so we might as well start a whorehouse while they are willing and excited! **** Joke is not of English origin, I did what I could to make it more natural for English natives.


That is one hell of an explanation for theory vs practice.


A guy is rushed into the ER. His rear end is black and blue, his asshole is gaping open a foot wide. The doctor says “My god, what happened?” ”I was raped by an elephant.” The doctor frowns. “That doesn’t make sense. Elephant penises are long but they’re very narrow, it couldn’t have caused this kind of damage.” The guy says “Yes but you see he fingered me first.”


A man walked in on his daughter and her boyfriend having sex. His daughter was horrified. “Dad, I didn’t know you were home! I’m sorry!” The father replied, “Hi sorry, I’m dad.” Then the father turned to his daughter’s boyfriend and said, “Are you fucking sorry?”


"Sorry, sir, we didn't hear you come in!" "Yeah, I came in the back door." "Well, that makes two of us..."


Made me snort


What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme? You can't hear an enzyme.


How do you make a hormone? Don't pay them


What’s the best part about sex with 28-year-olds? There are twenty of them. ^(So very very sorry)


It works better if you spell out "twenty eight"


You the real MVP


A man goes into a pharmacy and says "I need birth control pills for my daughter." The pharmacist asks: "Why doesn't she get them herself?" "Because she's only six years old." "Six years old! But then she can't be sexually active!" "She isn't, she just lays there..."


A teen has a first date, but part of the deal is he needs to join them that night for family dinner. On the way over, he swings by the drug store for condoms. At dinner, he's a totally charming and asks to recite prayer at the table. He says: "Oh Lord we humbly thank you for this meal and ask you for the strength to treat others well, and not pre-judge them due to superficial appearances." Later in private she says: "You never told me you were so religious." "Well, you never told me your dad was a pharmacist"


A rapist, a pedophyle and a priest walk into a bar. “The usual, father ?” asks the bartender.


Gods damn it this one is a jewel


A man washes up on a desert island after a shipwreck. The only other survivors are a dog and a pig. There are plenty of resources on the island so he doesn’t have to eat them. After a few weeks of solitude, though, he begins to get “lonely”. He decides the pig would be closer to a human so he tries to have sex with it. Every time he does though, the dog attacks him, fouling his attempts. This goes on for months until, finally, his prayers are answered and a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. They get to know one another and finally one day he gets the courage to ask her, “Y’know. I’ve been here a long time and I’ve gotten very lonely. If I ask, will you do something for me?” She says, coyly, “Of course. Anything you ask!” “Perfect. Will you hold that dog while I fuck that pig?”


Why did the pervert cross the road? His dick was stuck in the chicken.


Two neighbors are talking. One says "Man, so much weird shit happens around. You know the school teacher who lives next door? Well he's gay!" The second man replies "For real? Damn, I've been banging him for three years and never knew he's a teacher".


What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? One makes your day, the other makes your whole week.


Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape A man goes to the library and asks for a book on suicide, the librarian says 'fuck off you won't bring it back' What's the first thing to break when you give it to a toddler? Their hips Why is broccoli like anal? If you were forced to have it as a kid you probably won't like it as an adult How many potatoes does it take to kill an irishman? Zero My top 5 jokes to get you an h.r meeting EDIT: An encore because you sick fucks clapped How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Staple bread to the ceiling What's the best thing about shagging a twelve year old girl in the shower? Slick her hair back and she looks like an eight year old boy A boy and a clown are walking into a dark forest, the boy says 'are you sure there's puppies in there? I'm scared' the clown says 'you're scared? I have to walk back by myself!' How many dead hookers can you fit in a garage? Two more if I move my bike Have you ever had Somalian food? Neither have they What's the hardest thing about shagging a child? My cock as they tell the story back in court The best thing about rape jokes is forcing them on people


That reminds me of this time I was waiting for a harassment meeting to start, I whispered to a coworker "just remember harassment starts with her ass". That's the day I found out the HR guy had excellent hearing.


But did you get in trouble


That toddler one is brutal


“If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS.” - Jimmy Carr - LetsWinSomethingGood


What’s the difference between a blimp and 365 blowjobs? One is a Goodyear, the other is a fucking fantastic year!!


I heard it as what's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? Ones a good year the others a great


What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose? "Full".


What organ survives the longest in women after they've died? My penis.


What’s the worst part about fingering your sister??? Finding your dads wedding ring I’m going to hell


The brother and sister are in bed having fun. She says "You're a much better lover than Dad is!" He replies "I know, Mama told me last night".


~Sweet home Alabama~


What is the difference between a pound of cocaine and a child? Eric Clapton would never let a pound of coke fall from a window.


Did not know about his son.. this probably wasn't the best way to find out.


My son died in the same way Eric Clapton's did... For inspiration.


Cannot believe how far down *this thread* I had to go for some Jeselnik.


Such a tragic story. I'm sure he would give his fortune to get his son back, including this extra pounds of cocaine


1.)Why did Snow White get kicked out of Disneyland? She kept getting caught sitting on Pinocchio's face yelling, "Lie to me! Lie to me!" 2.) Mickey and Minnie are in divorce court. The judge looks at Mickey and says, "Mickey, I've looked at all the evidence and I cannot grant you a divorce on the grounds of insanity. I can find no evidence that Minnie is crazy." Mickey replies, "Judge, I didn't say she was crazy. I said she was fucking Goofy."


Just last week I learned that my new neighbor that just moved In is a registered sex offender Which is absolutely ridiculous because I don’t need that kind of……….competition


How do you get a nun pregnant? Dress her up like an alterboy.


I was eating this woman out and tasted horse semen. So that's how Grandma died.


When I tell this joke I say it like "so I'm going down on my grandma and it tastes like horse cum and I can't help but wonder if that's how she died" but I guess different deliveries work for different people


Oh my god, yours is a lot more visceral. Mega yuck.


a guy is unanimously named most eligible bachelor in the world, woman from every corner of the planet are lined up to marry him. he narrows it down to three women: the first woman is a CEO and tells him that if he picks her, he will never worry about money again for the rest of his life. the second woman is a world traveler - if he picks her, she will show him the world and all of it's amazing places. the third woman is an accomplished chef. if he picks her, she will cook him whatever he wants for the rest of his life - he will never go hungry. the man takes a moment to review all of this information, carefully considering each woman. finally, he comes back and picks the one with the biggest boobs


Old Mother Hubbard Went to her cupboard To get her poor doggy a bone When she bent over Rover took over And gave her a bone of his own


There was a young vampire called Mable Whose monthly was incredibly stable Every full moon She'd pull out a spoon And drink herself under the table


Jack and Jill when up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. But Jack got a shock and a mouth full of cock because Jill's real name is Randy.


I heard: Jack and jill went up the hill to have some hanky panky. Silly jill forgot the pill and now there’s little frankie


Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some pot and leaf Jack got high, unzipped his fly and Jill said, Where's the beef?


Twelve German guys are fucking a German woman. She yells “neín, neín!” And three of them left. Oh language puns


I had sex with a German girl the other day; it was okay, but it was hard to concentrate when she kept shouting her age.


What’s the difference between Adolf Hitler and Michael Phelps? Michael Phelps could actually finish a race


Is a handjob from a person who can speak sign language considered a blowjob?


9/11 was a great day to be an autistic kid who loves fire trucks.


My dick may only be an inch long, but it smells like a foot.


A woman was arrested after stabbing her husband in the thigh after discovering he was having an affair. Many felt she was let off easy... she was charged with a misdaweiner.


I'd tell a joke about my penis but it's too long.


I'd tell you a joke about my pussy but you'd never get it.


Have you tried cutting it short?


This homeless couple had been struggling for quite some time. The husband came to the street where they had been sleeping one evening and told his wife, "Honey, I think I have an idea for us to make some money and be able to get some groceries and stuff." She asked quietly, "What is it?" He replied, "I think we need to take our last $5, go get you a nice dress, and then you'll be a hooker!" She said, "Well, I don't know how to do that!" He replied, "It's easy; we'll get the dress, and then you'll stand out on the corner and we'll make some money." She said, sheepishly, "Ok. I guess we can try it." So they went to Goodwill, got her a dress, and that night he took her to a new corner, and then walked just around the corner to watch her and make sure she was safe. She had been out there only a few minutes when this shiny, black SUV pulled up. the passenger window rolled down and the driver said, "Hey, how much?" She said, "Hold on," and ran over to her husband. "This guy wants to know how much." He put his hand on his chin for a few seconds. "Tell him a hundred dollars." She ran back over to the SUV. "A hundred dollars." The driver shook his head. "That's too much. How much for a blowjob?" She said, "Hold on," and ran over to her husband again. "He said it's too much, He wants a blowjob." Her husband thought for a few seconds. "Ok. Tell him sixty bucks." She ran back over to the SUV. "Sixty bucks." The driver said, "Ok. Get in." She climbed into the passenger seat and the driver pulled down his pants. A massive, throbbing cock was bared before her. "Hold on," she said, breathless and frantically leaving the SUV. She ran back over to her husband again. "Honey, can we loan this guy forty bucks?"


I used to be a necrophiliac until some rotten cunt split on me.


I heard that Princess Diana was on the radio the night she died! And the wheel! Windshield too. All over the place really


What do people from West Virginia do for fun on Halloween??? Pumpkin


Q: Why did all the chicks love Jesus? A: Because (stretching arms far apart) he was hung like THIS.


It was ten years ago today that my best friend ran up to me with tears in his eyes shouting “It’s a boy! It’s a boy!”. Since then we’ve never returned to Thailand.


Fat people can make fat jokes, disabled people can make disabled jokes, and black people can make racist jokes. So why don't Catholics make rape jokes?


If I cum inside her in 3.14 seconds, can you consider it a cream π


What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde? The mosquito will stop sucking when you slap it 🦟.


Several nuns are lined up at the confessional booth to declare their sins. The first declares "forgive me father for I have touched a man's penis with my left hand", so the priest orders her to wash her left hand in the bowl of holy water. Next up the second nun declares "forgive me father for I have touched a man's penis with my right hand". As with the first she is made to rinse her right hand in the holy water. Suddenly from the back of the line one of the nuns starts yelling to the priest "I need to confess right now"! The priest tells her to wait but she yells back "I need to wash my mouth before Sister Mary puts her ass in the water"!


Two inmates were sitting in their cell bored. One turns to the other and says “You wanna see a magic trick?” The other one, eager to break the monotony says “sure”. The first guy says,”OK, pull down your pants and get on all fours.” The other guy hesitantly does. The first goes behind him and asks, “It feels like I’ve got my thumb up your butt doesn’t it?” The guy on all fours says,”Yeah it sure does.” Then the first guy leans over, sticks both of his hands out in front of the other guys face, waves both hands and says TADA!”


I like my women the same as I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.


All right. Here's something that's not safe for work. A blind man walks into a bar. And a chair. And a table.