What kind of compromises have you made for your partner? What compromises are you (not) okay with?
By - NarniaFox
I will never compromise on core values and/or boundaries. If I communicate "No", it's not going to happen and I won't change my mind.
Luckily my wife has almost the same core values, (relationship) goals and we do things and enjoy things (together or alone) that it's in line with our core values, our personal values and with respect and acceptance for each other boundaries.
My wife is religious, I'm not and I will not go to Church for example (she does) but she doesn't try to convert me or ask me to come along while I'm not giving her crap for her being religious. We both have different political views and vote on different parties, we both accept and respect that.
Anything we really compromise on are just some small things related to personal preferences.
Wow. You guys are far more willing to compromise on thing than the average person. Very few people could be in a relationship with a political opposite as well as religions (or lack thereof). I have no idea how you guys make it work, it seems impossible, but bravo my good man.
I have a friend who’s parents are like that and they’re doing great. The dad is a firefighter who tends to vote left because public sector is typically treated better under left parties and the mum votes right just because that’s where her values lie.
It is quite out of the ordinary but they get along well by having other passions in common. As well as the fact that they have children so they both take that responsibility.
Left and far left can work. Same with right and far right. But most lefties see rights as moral failures so I'm also shocked if it's across the midline.
maybe in other countries it's just like left vs center right. if you're from the us, not everything is as polarizing as the 2 party system there
At this point, political ideologies are a hard line for me. I'm far left, I'm not even sure I could tolerate the average American liberal "left", absolutely zero chance I ever go further to the right than that.
My girlfriend is a registered democrat but she's slowly drifting further left as the years go on.
It's quite easy: politics and religion is a personal choice for yourself; as long as your core values and (relationship)goals align and you both have respect and acceptance for each other boundaries than there shouldn't be an issue.
From a practical standpoint:
Keep in mind we have a lot of political parties and most of the time our government consists of at least 3 parties which don't necessarily has to be all right or left on the political spectrum.
Also our personal choice for supporting/voting political parties (Netherlands) are central with her going for left and me going for right. In broad strokes we align easily and in certain aspects she has more conservative views compared to me and I have more liberal views compared to her (for example: I'm for full legalization of soft drugs while she's against) which can be fun when debating during social activities.
When it comes to religion, I had the same upbringing on religion. I just don't need or want a religious book to constrain me or to tell me what's allowed or not even though in practical ways I do follow most of the values I was brought up with.
Be that as it may, it's still impressive. Very, very few people, ESPECIALLY Americans, could do it.
It's interesting, I think a lot of people (including myself) aren't really willing to compromise on religion and political views, as they treat them partially as core values.
Not trying to be rude but if religion and politics[which tend to HEAVILY tie into morals] are not core values, idk what core values are to you.
I'd compromise on most things honestly. I'd never compromise on fidelity, higher education, kindness, sexual drive, and wanting kids. Other than that? Ill do the damn dishes lol. I'll go to your group session i dont care. If you like tennis and i like mma then ill do mma on my own time and go to the courts with you when you want to. Just don't expect anything other than 40-love 😉
Ill watch your shows, eat your food, deal with your pets within reason... Pretty much not relevant to me. Fine with any political views that are not extremist or authoritarian.
Oh, having a career she loves is a requirement but that ties in with higher education.
Also staying fit on both ends. But that's less a compromise thing and more a "dont die at 50 from obesity" thing
What is 40-love?
I'm in quite a fresh new relationship. The only compromise so far is that he's really into sports so I have to listen to him talk about it without moaning and occasionally go to games with him.
I used to hate sport with a passion (probably because it was pushed on me as a kid) but I've grown to like it more.
I think it's a really healthy way for men to exercise their natural aggression and competitiveness. I think some of the problems women have with men is that they don't have an outlet for aggression and it can manifest in negative ways (pushing their GFS about, starting fights etc).
Plus let's be real - if you want a ripped man you have to compromise with him being a jock or a gym bunny!
I think sport is a healthy way to work with one's emotions for both men and women. We need some stress release as well :)
Yep. I need to get into it more tbh. Hopefully when I've recovered from this nasty throat infection I will
I hope you'll get better soon!
Thank you my dear. Much better compared to yesterday :)
I'm always looking for ways to self-improve and love doing new things, so I'll pretty much try anything if it sounds like it might be fun or beneficial in my life.
Things i've done for a partner:
* Moved across the country multiple times (it was fun!)
* Improved cleaning habits (my house and car look better!)
* Improved communication (now we understand each other better!)
* Humbled myself and accepted I have to earn trust, not expect it (we can relax around each other more)
* Became more punctual (we get more done on time!)
So I dunno, I've never compromised in a way that didn't, in some way, also benefit me in the long run. I don't make sacrifices if they don't accomplish anything, and I break up with people when they demand it.
Honestly, all of it sounds great :)
When I started living with my wife (she was just my girlfriend back then) I had to make some small living arrangement compromises (like level of tidiness, cooking flavor etc) that were easy to do. The biggest compromise I had to do was not exactly something that I had to do, but something that I had to give up; I wanted to try some extreme sport (like skydiving), but that would worry my wife too much (she was afraid something bad was gonna happen) so I kinda abandoned those plans.
Some compromises that I would no be ready to do:
- religion: I was raised in a family where being religious meant celebrating easter/christmas and doing a religious wedding and baptism. Other than than, religion was not really discussed or enforced in the family. I would not like being together with a person who was overly religious and insisting I follow her path (like going to church every week).
- money: I like having a plan to save/invest money and would not like to be with someone who would spend a lot of money just to "live in the moment".
- political/social views: this is a bit difficult to put into context as 90% of people I met in real-life are not so far away from my own political/social views that they would become a hard-NO for me.
For us it also helps that we both earn really good money, so we almost never had to do tough monetary decision.
Oh, I get your wife in terms of extreme sports. And it's nice of you to give up it.
What about dating an atheist/agnostic?
Financial issues are a common reason for divorce. I think it's important to have similar saving/spending patterns or to be able to learn/grow/compromise.
27M, much more on the red side of the spectrum
Thinks I hate that I have sacrificed for a girl I was in love with and thought I was going to marry:
I have gone 100% completely sober sans coffee, I have attended church services despite being quite a stalwart atheist, and I put up with the fact that I was going to be stuck doing all of the cooking every day with no exceptions (both my parents were chefs, I can cook like its no one's business, but I love when girls cook just as the gesture)
Things I will not compromise on:
Gambling - 10/10 sperg here, made a lot of money on options/day trading, can't stop won't stop
I have zero social media myself, unless it is legitimately used for business purposes we aren't dating if you have an instagram. I will be upfront about this at the beginning. No good comes. of that for a wide variety of reasons.
Ugh, I guess going to church as an atheist isn't a very pleasant experience. I'm not surprised that it didn't work out, but what was the reason?
Honestly I had it made. She was absolutely beautiful, as close to a virgin as you can find in the western world (lost it to last boyfriend, only did it once at the very end), had an amazing, well off family that really loved me and took me in, and I really thought I found my unicorn. Then covid happened, she got laid off, and was bored and went nuts in the head from all that and it cascaded out of control. I spent a lot of time with her, but now that she had an excess of free time she wanted me to spend even more, and that was the time I used to do things like read, practice guitar, go to the gym multiple times a day, work on grad school (while working a 40hr/wrk job and running my own business on the side). I did not have the excess time to cut purely to sit on a couch and watch Netflix with her, and I definitely did not have the time to cut out the things that quite literally were the reason she was attracted to me. You brag to your friends I'm "so smart, ambitious, have a six pack, and am super talented"....but then want me to cease doing the very things that make me attractive to you because you're bored and a horrible world event made you clingy? I'm sorry but it appears we are simply star crossed lovers, but despite being decidedly redpill it did give me faith that I will find someone for a suitable marriage one day, I just have to keep on keeping on!
Oh, I see. I thought it was more about your belief differences, but it's something different. I'm glad that it was overall a positive experience for you and I feel sorry for her. Covid has affected all of us.
As long as we both want kids and both have similar life goals and value system, most things I can compromise on.
I will never live in filth, so I guess I don’t over compromise on that. Luckily for me they don’t like clutter, gunk, and grime either.
What about being a SAHM/F?
What do you mean? Not sure I understand the question?
What's your attitude towards you or your partner being a staying at home parent?
We’re both women. If anything our attitude is focus on passive income so we can both “stay at home” at various spells.
Oh, I've missed this information. That's cool :)
> What are things you'd never compromise on for your partner? Why?
I will not lie to her. I can pretend, wear a mask, change the way I speak to make it easier to swallow. As long as she knows the truth behind it I am fine. I am not lying to her.
I pick my friendships as long as those friendships are male. I will not refuse her if she asks me to stop talking to a woman.
I will not accept my partner removing me from a sentence. (This only makes sense in spanish, a quirk of the language allows for enough information to be put in the verb so the subject in the sentence can be removed and everyting is still understandable and correct) I can understand that it may happen without her noticing at first or in moments of stress and fear. If she does it too often there will be trouble. If she does it knowingly to displease me the relationship is over right then and there.
Everything else is on the table for negotiation.
Edit: As usual, forgot about the obvious. Monogamy is non negotiable.
Can you elaborate more about "removing me from a sentence"?
Sure. I will give it a try. Since it involves me trying to explain spanish and I am no language teacher I may be proven unable to.
A sentence to work with. "Barely moral *worked* hard last summer".
In spanish. "Barely moral *trabajó* duro este ultimo verano"
I am present in that sentence.
In english, if you are in the middle of a conversation that reffered to Barely moral you may say "**He** *worked* hard last summer".
In spanish. "**El** *trabajó* duro este ultimo verano"
I am still present, even if I am only a vague "He"/"El".
Now in spanish it is posible to say "*Trabajó* duro este verano". Removing any mention of me from the sentence. No "Barely moral", no "he". There is enough information in the way you conjugate the verb "to work"/"trabajar" to make a sentence complete even if there is no mention of the one commiting the action.
A lot of verbs are irregular and their conjugations are unique, that means that you can put more meaning in them. You can create entire sentences and transmit ideas without mentioning who you are talking about. Actions speak for themselves in a way, the verb, the action, the thing done takes center stage in the conversation and the person doing it is not important nor necesary.
It is hard to explain language. Most people use it unconsciously without thinking that much.
I am unremarkable enough that people tend to remove me from sentences when speaking about me.
"Did *you* worked on that project yesterday?"
I can say it in spanish removing the "you" from the sentence.
"¿Trabajaste en el proyecto ayer?"
There is no mention of "you" in that sentence. The information of the existence of "you" is in the verb "to work"/"trabajar".
Unless I decide to mention the person I am talking to, I can remove them from the sentence. They don't matter, the work matters.
I spent years talked to and talked about in such ways. I don't like it. It fucked my brain up.
Oh, I get it. Russian works similarly. Why do you oppose it so much? I don't think that people do it to annoy you or because they don't value/care about you, they do it mostly because our language and speech strive for brevity and simplicity.
I understand that people don't do it because they want to hurt me nor because they have any ill will against me.
It doesn't matter. It has an effect in me. I see no point in having a life partner if I can't escape from that kind of... hurt I guess... I can't find a better word.
I would like to think/feel that I am a little bit more than my actions. I have a name, at least I have a pronoun. I see no reason to have a partner that can't do me the simple favour to use them in their speech.
Okay, I see. It's a rather weird hang-up, but I guess we all have some quirks.
I've made tons of compromises, everything from small things to major things. I think any actual strong relationship requires a LOT of compromises, especially over the long haul. People who aren't willing to compromise are going to have a very hard time. No one is perfect. There is no perfect man or woman out there for you. We are all broken and messed up in one way or the other. If you're holding out for a perfect partner that requires no major comprises, I think you might just be waiting forever. Of course there are exceptions. There are always exceptions. But for the vast majority of people, compromise is a must. To quote a very wise villain, "Compromise, my friend, is the essence of diplomacy. And diplomacy is the cornerstone of love. Sweet looooove."
I don't think that all relationships require a lot of major compromises, but I guess that some minor ones are quite common. I'm not sure how people who claim they neve make any compromises are able to hold any relationships long-term.
Well, I suppose what is defined as a "major" compromise likely changes dramatically for each person. But yeah, I don't know how people are able to have LTRs without being able to compromise. Most likely they don't, which probably speaks volumes about the growing isolation and selflessness of people.
I think it might depend on the age. The longer you live alone, the harder it gets to compromise.
True. Also, in my experience it seems like older women have a much harder time with compromise than most men do. But this is totally anecdotal evidence based on my own observations and life experience. I have no data to officially back that up.
The only compromise I've had to make with my partner is who's family we do holidays at. But I went very far out of my way to find someone who shared goals and aspirations.
That's cool. Aren't there are any day-to-day mundane things you compromise on?
Food sometimes? And what to watch? But it's all very minor and usually involves "we'll do this today and that tomorrow," none of the dramatic compromises you see people complaining about in the relationship subreddits. We are, for example, buying a new house. I told him the only things I wanted were a bathtub and decent counter space in my kitchen, and everything else was up to him.
You sound very chill :)
I have my issues like anyone but I know where my boundaries and needs are. And I know that my man is smart, capable, and worthy of investment because I chose him carefully and we're aiming in the same direction.
I think some people have lots of issues and some just don't know how to solve them. So you're both chill and good at compromising.
I think you're right about the issues, and a lot of the time it's control issues. People feel the need to control their partner because they aren't suited to one another, but you can't MAKE the right partner, you have to FIND them.
> The only compromise I've had to make with my partner is who's family we do holidays at.
Honestly, I would rather do holidays apart if we live together anyway and make sure I'm with my family, I don't really need us to be together all day and I think our families anyway care most about seeing their own child. No way am I not being with my family on days like that
Actually my compromise is kids. We're just not financially comfortable enough for that and he hasn't expressed outright interest in being a father. So if he wanted to be a dad and we had more money I'd like to. It's alright though, there's pros to not having kids that I appreciate.
Something I wouldn't compromise on is ever opening up our relationship. I feel like I deserve someone as devoted to one person as I am. He got a virgin nerd girl that loves giving bjs, he'd better appreciate what he has. I don't even think about other men. I consider this a strength in the modern world, when other relationships are crumbling due to cheating or "grass is greener" I'm pretty invulnerable to this.
I assume that although he's rather indifferent, he is willing to have kids in the future?
He's very understanding and supportive of my wants and it's still on the table. It's a big decision we both have to be fully on board with. Until there's enthusiasm and him accepting realistic expectations of parenting, we're not there yet.
He may entertain thoughts of having a baby together but I'm wary of red flags. It's nothing more than idealization right now - "if things were perfect it would be fun". I know things will certainly never be perfect and many aspects of parenting are NOT fun. What I'd need is for him to say (if he wants me to be confident in him) is that he's prepared for the difficulties because it *means something to him*.
That's a very sensible approach. Would you be okay with not having any kids?
I believe I would be. I tend to be very accepting when I can't get everything I want. Our relationship is really good so I focus on that not fantasy. I don't feel entitled to it.
- Cohabitation and marriage timeline. I didn't want to live together before engagement but he wanted to wait a few years to get engaged so we lived together for 4 years first.
- Getting a dog. I never really liked or wanted dogs but he does so we will probably always have one.
- Furniture arrangement. Don't get me started.
Things I wouldn't compromise on are kids (in the opposite direction from OP -- I wanted them) and where we live (I never want to live more than a 6-8 hour drive from my family at the most)
What about furniture arrangement? I don't think my husband and I ever really had to make compromises on it.
We're both just picky about it and have opposing priorities. His biggest thing is avoiding glare on the TV at all costs (which is ironic because I'm mainly the one who watches TV, he very rarely watches it). I like to arrange things for aesthetics and flow. He always wants to put the TV in front of the window so it doesn't get any glare which I hate because I like natural light and being able to see out the window.
I say this is something I compromise on because he usually gets his way just by being way more fucking stubborn than I am. And also because he's the one who's strong enough to move the furniture by himself lol
We've had 4 or 5 big fights in our entire relationship and at least half of them were about furniture lol. We're moving in a few weeks and I'm already dreading the furniture conversations.
>he's the one who's strong enough to move the furniture by himself lol
That's a huge benefit, yep.
>We've had 4 or 5 big fights in our entire relationship and at least half of them were about furniture lol.
Sorry, but it's kind of hilarious :) I've never thought it might an issue.
I can compromise on where we live, how clean the home is who does what.
I won't compromise on having 1/2 (no more) kids and one of us taking the first year off for developmental growth.
I also won't compromise on a small (4 person!) wedding. I hate big affairs and expensive weddings
I just want him his parent and my parent and me on a nice trip. Otherwise nope.
Would you be okay with splitting this year of staying at home between two of you?
Sure! Although as the breastfeeding party it makes less sense. In a perfect world I'd be year 1 and he could be year 2
My husband and I were talking about splitting our leaves in case we decide to have kids. It's a shame that men can't breastfeed.
Things I will never compromise on:
- values or beliefs (if you're racist, homophobic, sexist, transphobic etc you can get out the door)
- long term goals - Saving up for a house and kids. Being able to travel. I cannot wait for Borders to open again.
- my independence. You know those people who stop talking to their friends after they get out of a relationship? Yeah no. I still go on road trips with my girls and stuff. No boys allowed.
Things I compromised on
- ive left some cleaning stuff go. Not all of it, but he's not as clean as I am. Things still need to be done weekly though.
- location. We moved cities since my job is more flexible than his. Probably wouldn't move country though. I went through the immigration process once and I'm not doing it again.
- some money. I helped support him through postgrad.
Agree on values and beliefs and independence to some extent.
Tips on how to let cleaning stuff go?
I've found "the one" but she's significantly messier than I am. She's going to be moving in within the next year. Having a messy house makes my teeth grind. But it's more important to me that I have a healthy and happy life with her. How do I chill out a bit about the cleaning?
Tbh it all comes down to what you can deal with.
I worked out the most basics of basic that I need done. Clothes in the laundry bin. Rubbish in the rubbish bin. Vaccum once a week. Mop the kitchen and bathroom after. 30mims of wiping down surfaces in kitchen and bathroom. We tend to do this together on a weekend and other than dishes it's probably the only cleaning we do.
It does mean that my house is a bit of a mess by the end of the week. Like my kitchen floor leaves much to be desired by Friday and it means that sometimes stuff is just chucked half-hazardly
I think it's one of those things where you have to tune out the mess otherwise we'd have kept fighting and ruined a otherwise perfect relationship. Admittedly sometimes I'll come home and see everything strewn about the lounge and have to take a very deep breath.
She gets the domestic stuff.
I get the big stuff/outdoor stuff.
Dunno if that's a compromise so much as division of responsibility.
Outside of that it's just day by day, moment by moment. If Raven doesn't like something, she can speak up and we'll hash out it then.
Do you both spend similar time on chores?
I think if there weren't issues related to the division of chores, it isn't exactly a compromise.
Not even in the slightest. She does the bulk of them and prefers it that way.
We were long distance (400km) for four years. I traveled to see her every weekend, no mater what. Driving, hitchhiking, buses, trains.
I am considering having kids, when I never wanted.
I'm glad long-distance relationships worked for you. I assume you live together now?
For a year. Then we had to long distance again, which I'm not willing to keep doing so I'll quit my job to go after her.
my relationship is quite new but i already had to compromise on so many things that im not used to. among those things :
\- not texting all day long
\-having pretty regular phone calls/facetime calls when we're not seeing each other (i do not like phone calls nor facetiming lol)
\- accepting his help with things that i don't necessarily want help for bc he likes it
\- caring about his music and like, listen to him talk about writing songs etc and sharing the things I like bc he feels rejected if I never want to include him
\- he gets jealous but he never wants to bring it up, so i try to pick up on his signs
\- being willing to introduce him to my family. im still not comfortable doing it rn but i think eventually i would. at first, i said no.
Overall, these things felt huge for me in the moment but it doesn't anymore. in the future, eventually we'll reach things that i wouldn't compromise on like having kids and having a lot of them.
What has he compromised on for you?
similar little things. he learned to reassure my jealousy and my insecurities, he understands that some things I like doing I'm just not interested in sharing and that I enjoy that alone time for myself. he's very understanding about my pregnancy neurotism, and my hate of cum lol he compromised on texting me good morning and goodnight even tho he hates using his phone first thing in the morning.
You sound as a very sweet couple. Wish you all the best :)
I would never compromise on kids, animals and religion. I don't want kids and that's permanent, my partner has to also not want kids, ever. I am an atheist and my partner 100% needs to be one as well. I have had relationships with religious/spiritual people in the past and it has gone very, very badly. Finally, I have been raised with animals and I want/need them in my life, so pets will be in the house. And a bonus one, I would never compromise in house chores. Since we are both working and we are both sharing a space, the chores are an equal responsibility. I'd be with a partner and I would not be their mother. Nothing kills romance than having to mother your partner. Hard no to that.
I would compromise on moving, since my job is flexible and I can do from anywhere. I love travelling and living in new places so I would have no issues moving somewhere they would want - within reason of course. I would compromise on hobbies, I like discovering new things so I would be fine with going to try hobbies they would enjoy but I've never done.
> I am an atheist and my partner 100% needs to be one as well. I have had relationships with religious/spiritual people in the past and it has gone very, very badly.
I'm just curious, how do you feel about those many people who believe in some god but don't follow any religion, or people who go to Church on like Christmas Eve and call themselves Christian but believe in reincarnation and "energy", and have none of it play any role in their actual lifestyle? Cause I find most people are like that.
I have had long term relationships with people like that - long term, as in 1.5 years at least. It didn't work out for me because when you have a conversation about things with them, either a deep conversation or a not so deep one, they keep going back to their gods/demons etc for explanations, answers and general help. Unfortunately, I can't personally have any sort of respect for an adult who asks for help from literally nothing but thin air and their gods/demons/fairies etc there in every aspect of their lives, even subtly. That's my opinion. Other people don't mind and that is perfectly fine too.
I can understand getting frustrated if they appeal to god in arguments, but you should be a bit more tolerant of people kinda believing in an afterlife as a comforting belief. It really stems from a fear of death and it can be really difficult to accept that you will never see your loved ones again.
They appeal to their gods for all good but never for the bad things, their god does everything but only the good, how convenient is that. Also, there are about 4.000 gods in the world and countless religions but their religion is the only right one. It's laughable.
Either way, I don't mind the afterlife BS but I have no respect for any adult who relies on invisible things/supernatural beings in times of need and not themselves and their own strength and their loved ones. That's just me and my opinion, no one has to agree with me, people can obviously be with whoever they wish.
Yeah I understand the irrationality of it but I think you should try to understand their views in a more charitable way. I'm an atheist myself and would almost go as far as call myself gnostic atheist.
No, I don't think I will. Each to their own, a religious/spiritual person is absolutely not for me, my choice is not affecting anyone else so it's my call and my right. You and others may be fine with a partner like that and good for you, you do you and I'll do me.
> I would compromise on hobbies, I like discovering new things so I would be fine with going to try hobbies they would enjoy but I've never done.
Am I weird for not being keen on doing hobbies with someone I'm with? I like to do my own thing, I am not really into the idea that we share hobbies. Unless people count any activity as a hobby, including watching a show and other entertainment or going out.
I am the same, I need my alone time but I meant more like, my partner would like us to try out hiking together or tennis or wall-climbing for instance but I've never done that. I won't mind at all trying something new for me that my partner loves to do and wants me along with them.
Sure. I don't really feel like I'd be compromising to do it though if it interests me or if I'm "sure why not" about it. But if it's something I actively dislike or suck at then i just wouldn't do it.
I'm the same way
Ohh, religion is a good one, I should have included it into my list as well, although I'm biased towards Buddhism as I was raised in it and I'd date a Buddhist but not a Christian.
What if your partner developed an allergy later on?
Are you from Tuva? Moderate Buddhism and Christianity are pretty compatible. Even have a number of the same stories (such as The Widow's Mite).
I'm not gonna deny nor confirm it :)
I think it depends on the attitude of particular people. I don't really endorse Christianity, so it isn't really compatible for me.
I think we would try to deal with it with meds but I won't rehome or abandon my animals after years with me, they are family at that point. I don't know what I would do, it's a very difficult situation to be in.
Yep, it's a really shitty situation and sometimes it happens with kids. One of the reason why I'm hesitant about having them.
My wife and I are both entrepreneurs. Originally, I was looking for someone who could be a support system for me and provide stability while I built my business, but she was too perfect in pretty much every way. Because of that, I delayed by startup by 2 years so we could focus on her idea first while I provided the stability at my high paying tech job. This turned out to be the right choice, as my connections, experience and network + her drive actually resulted in enough passive income for me us invest 100% of both our time into my startup, which has an exponentially higher financial ceiling.
I'm also generally speaking not a super clean person, but I have made some consistent investments into cleanliness for her, and I pay for a maid to clean the house once a week. To me this is relatively low value work for either of us so I'd prefer to just pay someone to do it than squabble over who does what.
She also decides our home, the decorations, furniture, etc. Anywhere she wants to live I would happily do my best to find a middle ground between affordability and comfort for her. We've lived in two homes and she has selected both.
Areas that I don't compromise are:
1. My overall longterm goals - I can delay, but not stop my startup and business plans. I would rather get divorced.
2. Monogomy - I will never be monogamous. There's a few reasons for this that I don't need to get into, but openness was one of the first conversations we had while dating. Thus far it's worked out very well.
3. The state and country we live - this will be dependent on my business, so there is no room for negotiation. I choose the state/country, she chooses the home.
4. Fitness / physical beauty: I have an expectation she will be in the gym and watching her diet at least as much as I do (which is a lot). My belief is that you owe your partner a good looking body and face, so as much as you can do without surgery you should do for their sake.
In general, there isn't actually many places where we need to compromise in our day to day lives. We worked through all this up front (within the first few months of dating) and haven't made many changes to the plan since then.
I share your attitude towards cleaning. As long as there aren't any kids, it isn't that hard to do and it's easy to compromise on.
I'll compromise where the good outweighs the bad. Sometimes, like you said, compromises are acceptable because the situation is temporary. I can't live without cooking the rest of my life, but when my husband has a good reason to step up lately and make the food prep, I let him handle it for now. Sometimes there's just really not a big negative for me. Sure I don't like him taking the good parking spot all the time, but that's okay because I know it means a lot to him for his work. I compromise because it's not that big a deal. I have to park right next to him, it won't kill me. These are examples like the ones you gave. If the good outweighs the bad, I compromise.
Lately, I compromise on sexual frequency. Hopefully this also won't last forever. But is it worth it to have the affection of the man I love, and to have the fun I know we always have when we do the deed? Yes, that's worth it for now. If I didn't love him so much, it's not really objectively a win for me, but subjectively I pretty much like having my husband around. He makes a good partner, and I'm into him.
Where do I never compromise? Where does the bad outweigh the good? Well, I never compromise on:
Peaceful lifestyle (no excessive yelling, no disrespect, no illegal activity, etc.)
Healthy effort regarding communication
Safety measures (I need to feel safe, it's my thing)
Equal efforts for the relationship in general, really
Authentic lifestyle (no major lies, no double life)
Most of these standards just revolve around what brings me peace in my life. I can't compromise on that long term, it would just be impossible. Other things like equal effort (and monogamy, which matches my effort by default) are just a matter of what I deem as worth my energy. Half-efforts or a double life or non-monogamy doesn't cut it for me, even if I could emotionally make peace with something like that for a time. It's who I am.
I like the breakdown of "the good outweighs the bad", it's a great phrase that explains how a lot of compromises work.
Like what kind of safety measures? Like cameras and lights and things around the house?
Yeah, for an example if I wanted that it would be a priority. Preventative health checkups are a priority. Stuff like that.
I would not compromise the life I want for myself as an individual or who I am. E.g. I definitely wouldn't have kids for my partner, I wouldn't live somewhere I don't want to, I wouldn't give up on a great opportunity, and I'd NEVER sacrifice my family or friends (like spend less time with them, have someone interfere with my relationship with them) ... I also wouldn't change myself as a person, if someone has a problem with how I do things then they should be with me.
On the other hand I'm pretty easy going so I also wouldn't try to change someone else or expect them to give things up and compromise for me - they either are naturally on the same page or we can move on. I can't see myself having to push someone to me more like this or that, attend events he doesn't care about, dress a certain way.... it would be so exhausting and I would just hate being myself. If something they do only affects them and doesn't change my feelings for them, but I don't think its the best choice (e.g. smoking), I don't think it's on me to push them to change.
For example, I think my parents have a very happy marriage and love each other, but my mum is brutal to my dad about what he's eating. I always thought I would never be the person telling someone "you're ordering a beer? After all this food?" or "I really don't understand how you can have soda, that's gross!" I know for her its about health, but I think it's a horrible way to get someone to do anything.
I also don't see myself falling into that stereotypical pattern of trying to get someone to clean, like fuck it, I don't want anyone pushing me to clean and I don't want to be a cleaning manager either, let's just all do what we want.
I guess, I don't see how people can be happy if they're expected to sacrifice important things or change. I'm sort of live and let live, the relationships are so good when people just enjoy each other, you don't have to get so obsessed about "functioning as one entity" and all that weird nonsense that takes away individuality.
Do your thing and let them do theirs as long as it's not disrespectful or hurtful to you (e.g. cheating, embarrassing you in some way), and if it is, don't try to change someone who is clearly not worthy, just leave. No one who loves you would use their free choice to do things that hurt you.
Tl;dr - I don't want to compromise anything from my end, but in return I don't want any compromises from theirs either. We should not have a relationship stand in the way of our best lives and individuality or what kind of relationship is that?
EDIT: I would also never sexually compromise. I'd never let someone do something I am not comfortable with, fuck that. Or have sex when I don't want to. Just the idea that someone would want that from me is enough to make me hate the guy
BUT my logic is this, if he wants me to do something that only affects him, then I'll do it. But I won't have something done to my body that I don't like, not even to "try it" (and very luckily I was never in this situation in my life, all the guys I was with were so cool in this sense, sex always came naturally and they were into what I like and what I do, this was never even an issue. But reading stuff people say online makes me feel there's a whole other world out there filled with dudes that have very specific weird sexual demands and women who will do them just because they think it's fair.)
I think when people make compromises, it means that they value their relationship/their partner over the thing they compromise on. Like my husband has higher acceptable cleanness levels and I'm okay with sticking to it, because I do want him to feel comfortable at home and it isn't that hard to begin with.
Some things I won’t compromise on would be children, long term like you mentioned with education and moving away. Wouldn’t comprise my own set beliefs. Would also need to be a monogamous relationship. Grew up with animals so I would need at least one pet in the household.
I’d be comfortable moving depending on how far. Not having children have been something I’ve been decided on for a while. I wish to further my education. Not religious myself but I’m open to dating someone who is religious if it doesn’t cause tension. My own personal moral beliefs are not something I’d comprise.
So I would compromise the amount of pets and also what type of pet if my partner had an allergy or was uncomfortable with a certain type of pet and so on. Have no problem with compromise on cleaning and money. Location as well as if we live in the city or in a rural area. I enjoy both so I wouldn’t be giving much up either way.
In the past I was more likely to give in than try to seek a compromise so I’m still learning my own but like another commenter said it’s difficult to think of what I’d compromise on until I’m presented with it.
What did you give in?
Honestly can’t think of many things I didn’t just give into, the only thing I can immediately think of that wasn’t a compromise but a line which was when an ex asked about an open relationship and when they cheated. Both those relationships were when I was a teen and just into my twenties with shit self esteem lol. Things I can think of is getting sexual before I was ready, moved in before I was ready, stopped hanging out with people who my ex didn’t like. Ended up become a housemaid for an ex because he refused to clean.
Felt very low of myself and was a people pleaser to the extreme who hates conflict so that’s a nice little storm lol. So often times I would just agree to whatever to save what I considered love at the time. Both relationships certainly weren’t good but they were both lessons that I’m still learning from but am glad I’m more self aware lol
Oh shit, I'm sorry for your experience! And I'm glad you get out and have been learning to defend your boundaries.
Haha thanks, like I said I was the perfect storm for that so I understand how I ended up in those situations. Last one fully ended around a year ago so it hasn’t been that long but I’ve seen how I’ve improved and am more self aware so am glad about that part lol. Every past relationship is a lesson, I just needed some big ones apparently lol
I'm firm on Kinder, Küche, Kirche, but I'll compromise on everything else.
You aren't religious, are you?
Yes I am. I'm both a tradthot and a hoe.
I'm Russian, what do you think? Duh.
So I guess you're orthodox?
You're a sinner then according to your own religion.
Nah. It's fine if you do it to please your man.
Not really. You don't just have sex with others, you also encourage your guy to be a sinner and you produce porn.
I’m willing to compromise on:
- living arrangement/situation (don’t necessarily need to live with someone)
- the amount of time we spend together
- relocation / moving
- some cleaning stuff (like dishes in sink, frequency of washing floors, garbage out, etc.)
- kids (if he already had a kid, but don’t want any of my own)
Never willing to compromise on:
- religion (no religious men)
- long-term goals and value system
stopped dressing sexy in public, dropped friends
I really don't get it. Don't you care about your friends?
not really, i dont have a lot of slots for humans, my family and mate takes them up
How big is your family?
miniscule. friends are something you need in your 20s to go to the bar with when youre single
...My friends and I don't even go to bars, but I consider some of them my family. It's interesting how different our attitudes are.
i would not say my way of being is normal
I guess it isn't.
Not up for compromise: politics (no conservatives), kids (I'll adopt, but I have no interest in going through pregnancy), religion (I will not convert for a partner), 50/50 sharing of financial responsibilities, pets (but I will compromise on number), me having my own career and social life, and probably other things I'm not thinking of.
I don't normally consider what I would compromise on until presented with it.
What I have compromised on: I removed some piercings my partner didn't like, and I stopped smoking weed. That's about it.
I guess the politics issue is more common and drastic in the US and some other countries. I think young Russians don't have much political issues they disagree on, although there are conflicts between generations.
What piercings have you removed?
Nipples. I was mostly over them anyway, so it didn't really feel like a compromise. More like him giving me a reason to do it when I couldn't decide.
I see. Have they affected the sensitivity in that area? I'm curious whether it'd help with over-sensitive nipples.
Maybe? Honestly it's been so long (over a decade at least) that I don't really remember.
Im curious why didn't he like them?
So... in other words you basically compromised on nothing except something you already wanted to do anyway?
I have 2 dogs which I love, they are 7 and 9, I had them for a few years before I met my partner. My partner has never lived with animals (and doesn’t really want to) and is a clean freak. He has had to accept that I won’t be living with him until after my pets pass (if ever). And with him being so pedantic my cleaner comes twice a week (I would probably be ok with once) so that he feels comfortable when he visits my home. If we ever live together he will be paying for a cleaner because I’m not open to having discussions about who’s turn it is, tension over housework turns my vagina bone dry.
That's a pretty harsh compromise. What does he have against dogs?
My dogs are both big and shed a lot, we are East Asian and large house dogs are not really common in our parents’ home country. My family is probably more “westernised” so I love dogs but him not so much. I am quite tidy/clean but not on his level, I want him to be relaxed and happy in his home and that wouldn’t be possible with dog hair and slobber.
We both don’t want to have children and have well paid jobs so can afford to own separate homes. There’s just less need to compromise if you are financially independent of one another and don’t have/want children.
Edit - just want to add that he is very kind an affectionate to my dogs when he visits, he knows they are a huge source of happiness to me.
I'm glad it works for you! Will you have dogs in the future if you start living together? Maybe some smaller breeds?
What? No. Why would I make my partner live with an animal he doesn’t like/want? You gave away your cat, you didn’t just get a different kind of cat. If we live together it will only be after my dogs have lived out their natural lives, I wouldn’t give up my pets under any circumstances but I also don’t expect my partner to be uncomfortable in his own home.
Well, we're planning to get a dog in the future, but we have to make sure that he isn't allergic to them as well.
I thought part of the issue was their size though and I was talking about after the point "dogs have lined out their natural lives".
The issue is that in our culture only very westernised Chinese (like my family) own dogs. Generally East Asians are very clean and strict about floors etc being clean - animals aren’t for inside the house. He is a very clean person and also from a cultural background where it is considered very dirty to have dogs inside. I would never give away my pets but I also respect and understand my partner’s perspective so would never try to make him compromise by having a different kind (smaller, no shedding, whatever- they are all considered different degrees of dirty) dog.
Ah, I see. So it's almost a cultural difference.
Why did you move in with your partner if you knew he was allergic to your pet? Can’t you just live near each other but in separate houses/apartments?
We think he developed his allergy, as he lived with a cat even before we moved together. Some allergies develop spontaneously and unfortunately cat allergy is one of the most common one.
Interesting responses, I'm surprised a lot of people don't want kids, don't follow a religion, or consider politics a deal-breaker.
I'm at a point in my life where I can no longer compromise, mostly because I'm older but also because I know some women lose attraction when you compromise. I would expect her to be into me and change for me. Anything less isn't something I'm interested in.
Things I will not compromise on:
Kids, I'm not doing it, ever
City we live in (my city is the other love of my life or as M83 put it, my church)
Values (if he suddenly became homophobic or misogynistic or something or expected me to give up our large group of friends of both sexes, we'd be on borrowed time)
Fidelity - monogamy or bust.
Anal - it's not happening. He knows.
Things I will or have compromised on:
Physical appearance - at this point, I love him for who he is as a person. What he looks like is almost irrelevant. But I can't tell him that because I want him to get some exercise for his health and longevity.
Money - I have paid a little more than the half we have agreed to during a lengthy period where he was unemployed. It's life, shit happens.
The dirty socks all over the floor in the apartment - at this point I give up and just pick them up, it's not worth arguing over.
Pets - I'd be cool with a dog OR a cat, whatever he feels more strongly about, if/when we decide to go down that road.
Marriage - it's not really much of a compromise since I am quite hostile to marriage myself. It's really more of a compromise for my mom she's dying to plan my whole wedding *rolls eyes*
We had a ton in common when we met and have only grown more alike over time so I don't anticipate any of the "would not compromise on" will become an issue. He doesn't want kids, also loves our city and feels sorry for people trapped in suburbia, etc.
Why not a dog and a cat? :)
And why are you hostile towards marriage? Where do you live if it isn't a secret?
A dog AND a cat? Seems like a lot for people who don't own a pet at all and in my case, never have. Baby steps I guess lol.
I live in Toronto.
I kind of see marriage as a trap. That being said the government of Canada has all but made it illegal to live in sin they pretty much consider you married-lite once you've cohabitated for several years, which is annoying.
Oh, you have so much to discover :)
I've read a lot about the city, it sounds wonderful, but renting state is rather harsh especially for new immigrants.
Yes, that is a fact. It's definitely hard to make a start here. It wasn't like this a dozen years ago but feel very sorry for the young folks moving into the city today.
I get why you don't want to move though.
There's lots to do here which is great and our local government goes to great lengths to fund the arts and culture which is fantastic, but at the end of the day it's the people that make the city.
Sounds delightful :)
I don't compromise. Compromise in my opinion is a one way ticket to two people being frustrated at not getting what they want and life is too short to go through it in a constant state of frustration.
Have you ever had an LTR?
I have and at the outset I made it clear that I wouldn't be compromising and taking time away from what I was doing. Worked for 4 years by which time the conversations usually ended with the "where do you see this going?" talk.
I see. Are you interested in having other LTRs or having a family?
With regards to LTRs I have a take it or leave it policy. If it happens okay, if it doesn't that's fine too. Nope, not interested in creating copies of myself, in fact had a vasectomy at 32 for just that reason.
Okay, that makes sense.
Anal sex at least once a month and blowjobs when I use the TV to play games instead of watching porn.
Hey, why all PPD women hate kids? Is this some kind of "kid-hating" pro-choice operational secret base or what?
Not wanting to compromise on kids doesn't necessarily mean that they're against the idea. It works both ways - if you want to have them, you most likely won't be okay with not having any and vice versa.
Might be an age thing. The younger generation don't have the money and resources to start a family, or they barely have enough and don't want to scrape by.
Also what are you okay with compromising on? Like what would you do or have done for your partner?
Just because a woman doesn't want to have kids, doesn't mean she hates them. Just like any man who doesn't want kids, doesn't mean they hate them. I don't know what mental gymnastics led you to that conclusion.
I’m willing to compromise over n-count, and minor bad habits such as watching Netflix. Not willing to compromise over belief systems, such as believing that women are oppressed or have been oppressed historically
I'm curious why not having major legal rights isn't oppression in your eyes.
Western women have more legal rights than men. See: domestic abuse laws, family laws, how the legal system treats women vs men etc
I'm talking about "have been oppressed historically".
Uh huh. And men weren’t right. Compare the life of an upper class woman to an average man, who was likely to be a serf or war casualty
Men got a lot of their rights sooner than women did. And if we compare men and women inside one class, men often were higher in hierarchy and had more freedom.
Yes men had the right to be slaughtered in never ending wars and never sire their own children. Only 1 in 4 men reproduced for large swathes of history/pre-history while women were getting pounded by the top rulers. A Roman legionnaire had a 25 year contract, he had to serve from his boyhood to middle age
It’s comical to believe women were more or less oppressed in a world where ruthless survival was prioritized. I encourage all feminists to take a time machine to a battle front in the past and see how they like it
But to the feminist, history begins in 1960 civil rights movement, everything before that is just a comical depiction of men beating their wives
Can you give a link to "1 in 4"? Because I'm not sure what kind of timeframe we're talking about. And that man had it terrible doesn't mean that women had it better or weren't discriminated against.
My dear you are the descendant of both men and women. You are not a self reproducing hermaphrodite. Let go of the feminist propaganda. All of human history is full of misery in all corners of the earth, to focus on one particular group and to say they had it worse is an awful misrepresentation
Do you think that what happened 8000 years ago somehow means that women weren't oppressed during the most of written and documented human history?
* You can post off topic/jokes/puns as a comment to this Automoderator message.
* For "CMV" and "Question for X" Threads: Parent comments that aren't from the target group will be removed, along with their child replies.
* If you want to agree with OP instead of challenging their view or if the question is not targeted at you, post it as an answer to this comment.
* OP you can choose your own flair [according to these guidelines.](https://www.reddit.com/r/PurplePillDebate/wiki/flair), just press Flair under your post!
Thanks for your cooperation and enjoy the discussion!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/PurplePillDebate) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have stated before that I am a submissive so it should not come as a shock that I compromise on a LOT.
Does he make compromises as well?
Dealing with my wife's temper and sudden outbursts.
I just need to vent about it sometimes. I don't think the second phone she broke will be her last.
She admits it's a problem and she's trying to get better but I've come to terms with the fact that it might never go away. I hope she can get to the point where she can at least stop herself. She's also started apologising to our son after she snaps to make it clear it's not his fault which is positive.
It sucks. Accepting it happens is the compromise.
She's literally amazing the other 99% of the time.
I think she should get on therapy, as it isn't okay and it isn't a very good environment for your son to grow in.
She's been to therapy. Unfortunately there's only so much therapy can do. She had quite a rough upbringing.
Also she is really great the rest of the time. You wouldn't know it from meeting her in person and think I was mad.
In any case, my experience has been that a large percentage of women are like this behind closed doors. My mother was pretty snappy growing up and used to shout at us as kids. My father's current partner went threw a patch of throwing plates when she was angry. My aunt is an angry alcoholic. From what I understand my grandmother was fairly snappy as a mother but mellowed out a lot as a grandmother.
At the very least she accepts the problem. Which is more than, say, my work colleague gets with his wife who is literally perpetually angry. She's not like that at least.
Also as a side note. She wasn't as much like this when we first got together. During the honeymoon phase and even for the first few years when things weren't stressful she was less angry. Kids have definitely made things much worse.
I feel like it is pretty common like you say, children add a lot of stress some people have a harder time managing. I’d say it’s common for both genders, just from what I’ve seen and experienced.
There is a big difference when someone can admit and try to work on something they are struggling and when someone refuses to even try to be aware.
I think that’s also a reason why more people are deciding against having children. We’ve become more aware about mental health and how much we can affect a child. With more people aware of their diagnoses and how it can affect people even if you are able to manage it day to day, stress can be a trigger for many people. I’ve met many people who realize from stressful situations they wouldn’t be able to raise a child in a healthy environment. Personally I’d say that reason, just never being interested in kids and financial situations are why less people are deciding to become parents these days.
I don't think that getting into physical damage is that common among women. I know some, but it is pretty rare. I guess it depends greatly on one's family, as children often copy their parents patterns.
I'm sorry for all of you, but I'm glad you make it work somehow.
>She's also started apologising to our son after she snaps to make it clear it's not his fault which is positive.
This is still really bad for the kid.
Yeah. I know.
There's not much more I can do about it at this point though. We've talked it over to death and she knows it's bad and she is trying.
But realistically. I know even with her trying it'll never completely go away. It's better to come to terms with it.
It sounds like she needs professional help
She's been to therapy multiple times; She grew up with an alcoholic father with schizophrenia. That's had an impact on her.
I really want to stress she is genuinely lovely the other 99% of the time and a great mother otherwise.
What else would you suggest I do?
She needs some behavioral therapy and consequences for her negative actions. Simply putting up with those behaviors because she’s not taking therapy seriously enough is just enablement.
I like the "feminist model" for relationships.
1. Zero compromise
2. Never settle
3. They must make your life better in every way, no matter how difficult you make theirs
4. If you're not 1000% happy divorce/leave/move on
5. You're the best, you're awesome, you deserve it
As a man, I see the **blatant seething narcissism** of anyone who could POSSIBLY be this demanding and entitled and I don't want anything to do with them.
And this much I know: such 'perfect people' looking for 'perfect others' (generally, narcissists) are FUCKING MISERABLE deep down.
Even a billionaire MOVIE STAR who would make such demands of people is insufferable. But an average, ordinary, frumpy, flawed person?!?
LOL. To them I say: "Go get fucked."
(By someone else preferrably)
It's rather telling that instead of answering for the OP, you just used it as an excuse to rant about feminism.
I've never compromised on anything. I hate smoking and found someone perfect match for me but after it didn't work out I opened up to guys who smoke, because they otherwise were still good matches with me, and they compromised to always smoke outside and a few feet away from me so I don't cough or smell it. No guys have ever asked me to change anything, at most I would try to change parts I don't like about myself.
I've been in relationship for almost 4 years now and honestly I am really glad we are as compatible as we are. The amount of compromise isn't much really. I attribute it to me having a very specific standard that turned out to work well for me.
There are a LOT of things I really just don't care about. I couldn't care less about higher education, a career wasn't even a make or break factor lol. When we met I was only 19 so expecting a career or super well paying job is a bit high expectations. I preferred someone that had potential at least and a goal that aligns with mine. It was SUPER important that the man I chose wants a traditional family where he is head of household and I can be a homemaker. This is uncompromisible. It's also important we have the same values. This means primarily morals. How do you feel about marriage, opinions on sexual liberation, philosophical beliefs regarding things like purpose of life.
If we have vastly different views about something like contraception there will inevitably be a problem down the line. So in my view the smart thing is to remove this problem.
So the things I ended up compromising on were less important things to me. Things like watching shows or movies that I may not like as much as him. It makes him happy so I give it a chance and sometimes I end up liking it. Another thing is more on the personal side. I'm not a morning person but men tend to be.. moody in the morning. So even if I'm not a morning person I do him a 'favor' because it makes him happy.