I wouldn't exist if my mom had access to abortion - my perspective on the Texas heartbeat bill.
By - listofseashells
What your grandparents did to your mom is awful.
How do you feel about your grandparents?
You say your mom is fine....she is remarkable, simply for the fact that she survived sexual abuse and a pregnancy as an 11 year old. And then had to live with the mess her parents created until she was 18.
Shaking my head.
Edited to add: my last sentence is meant literally. I understand the mom has suffered physically and mentally beyond age 18. I hope the mom knows she is remarkable.
I really hope your relationship with your mother continues to grow and get more beautiful as you both escape the shadow of your grandparents. I hope you both find love and peace and contentment and happiness.
Agreed. So your mom is 30 now right? I'm 30 and pregnant with my first baby. I can't imagine having an 18 year child right now, let alone having been forced to give birth to my brothers baby at 12. I can't imagine what your mom went through mentally and emotionally during her time living there. Also, your Uncle, did you have a relationship with him? How has that been effected?
Again, thanks so much for sharing.
What happened to the brother?
And she was shamed for it when she was the victim. That's so infuriating. Your mom is a strong woman.
I have a rather depressive state of mind it seems. I can enjoy hobbies and I can have fun with friends, but when I think about the world, I just see dread.
I know of way too many people like op's mother that just got fucked by life, and even then, when the truth gets out, sort of, it gets shrugged.
There was a video yesterday of a soldier being almost in tears, craving an apology from Bush after the lies he made that killed his friends, wounded him and caused him mental scars for life. When this man, that raised his voice against someone who had lied and caused incredible amount of damage and loss of money, when this man, raises his voice, he gets dragged out. You can hear someone say "Behave yourself" or something along the lines.
In 2008 when greedy banks made the world economy go "woop woop woooooop", 1 banker got jailed, most others received billions of dollars so they could grow even bigger and richer.
The world is filled with more tragic stories than good I sometime feel.
It was bush that said "Behave yourself" to him. However, I think you missed the silver lining in the OP. They and their mother are not suffering eternally. They both have made it to a point where they can be happy.
I share your perspective wholly. The world is cruel, evil, and unfair. It pains me to the deepest core of my being when I think about how absolutely unjust life in this time is. Im sure it does the same to many other people.
The thing is, we cannot change the evil in one go. There is no thanos snap in reality. From my POV we cannot weigh the brightness and joy we bring to others against the misery. They are incomparable.
Do what you can to bring joy to those around you, encourage others to do the same and relish in it. It is the only way we can truly improve our individual worlds enough to brighten the whole.
Shits fuckin hard though...
That’s wildly infuriating. I’m so sorry.
I haven't spoken to him and don't intend to.
If you can recount this extremely unfortunate series of events so cool and collected, it sounds like you’ve reconciled your own demons. I can hardly imagine your situation but it doesn’t sound like speaking with him would benefit you in any way. You sound like you kick ass by the way.
Edit: please note the “it sounds like…” portion of my first sentence. Humans are very dynamic creatures and we all process life events differently. Since I am not a psychologist I can only infer from my own experience and this is how I handle events that need more reflection.
Being able to separate yourself from the horror and explain it so matter-of-fact isn’t an indicator of healing or reconciliation. When something horrible happens to you and you get past the initial shock, it’s way easier to explain it this way (and can be off putting to some people). All it means is that it’s been accepted, and is being told as part of a history. It doesn’t mean that the scars aren’t still raw. Or that the person is “okay” with what happened.
If OP is anything like me, you work through stuff in therapy and go over in your brain so many times you are able to build a wall around if.. it’s sorta like when you say a word out loud over and over and suddenly it becomes something other than the word you know. You’re saying the same word, but it doesn’t mean (or hurt) the same as it did when you said it for the first time.
Often times, when recounting the worst parts of my life, I’ll be blasé about it. Doesn’t mean I’m over it or anything like that, it’s like a defense mechanism. If someone doesn’t have to pry it out of me it hurts less. Something like that anyways.
Yes this exactly. One of the most difficult parts of trauma is mitigating other people’s reactions to your trauma and then having to comfort them and then tell them how to help you. It’s extremely exhausting and retraumatizing.
I hope every karmic force in the universe aligns to make his life hell.
And yours amazing.
Oh man. It sure would be nice if that shit was real.
All the Nazis that lived happily ever after following the end of WW2 is a pretty huge indicator that it isn't though.
From experience abusers typically die happy and respected with the wider community never knowing or caring about their crimes. We don't live in a just world.
My mom used to say that evil people live long lives. She’s right, too. The worst people I’ve known live to 80-90 years old. It’s like they are so naturally happy and guiltless that they float on clouds of joy until they die in their sleep.
Yup, my father lived to the the age of ninety. And the bastard had the nerve to call me a coward when I left my abusive husband. On top of the perverted things he did to me when I was growing up. If I ever get close to his grave you can make damn sure I'll dance on it.
Thats why we have to find our own peace. Fuck everyone else
Hence the emphasis on *I hope.*
I'd make sure every human in the country knew what a fucking monster the guy was, but I can understand if OP finds peace by just removing themselves as far as they can from him instead.
I am crying actual tears for your mom. You’re a great kid under the circumstances and I am happy you shared your story. Hopefully it’ll reach those who need to hear it.
This has brought up and interesting question I never thought about before. Would you still want to be born if it meant it caused trauma and permanent disability of someone else?why is the possibility if life greater than the life that already exist. I've always been very pro autonomy so abortion was never a internal debate for me. Just interesting put in those terms.
I know this is true for me and I'm realizing it might be more common than I ever thought.
I've come to realize that as shit as my parents were they were doing their best and the real monsters are their parents.
I thought for a long time that my grandfather was a good guy and the person who kept the family together. As he is getting older I made a point to spend time with him and make sure I knew him. That did not go well. I became horrified at the person that he is. Apparently not only did he know a lot of the abuse was happening but he still thinks it was the right thing to do. He never tried to help any of the children because he believes if he ignores it he will still go to heaven. The older he gets the more he doubles down on sexual abuse being okay as long as it is done by a member of the church, because God can absolve of us those sins. Oh, yeah, and being raped is committing a sin.
I have so much more compassion for my parents now.
Apologies to reddit for riding on a comment for this to be seen but I feel it's important to get out as many perspectives on this as possible.
I had a friend in PR who grew up in deep poverty. Poverty so bad, he had numerous health problems they couldn't afford to address, and continued to develop more. Because he was so poor and looked it, he faced a life of bullying. His mom also had her own health issues for the same reason, they were both depressed. Father wasn't in the picture, knocked up the mom and disappeared from the island. She had no family support. Best she could do was try and date someone to try and have a male figure around for support, but it never worked out. The men in her life who'd be with her despite having a kid were always dirtbags.
I grew up watching my friend constantly tell our friends about how much he wished to die, specifically how much he wished he wasn't born. At first we thought it was jokingly like most ppl say and do, especially since he'd always chuckle. Yrs went by, his expressions of wanting to die got more and more serious but it was always very logical, reasoned and analytical, like it wasn't a cry for attention, maybe even not motivated by depression but he was trying and tell us genuinely it isn't that he hates life, he's just miserable and is exhausted of suffering. And he took every opportunity to express his desire to not have been born, bdays, wishing fountains, wishbones, everything. But y'know we just thought it was one of those things us kids go through.
This kid hardly ever smiled. Laughs he had lasted little, and he was just always low on energy. Most of the time we'd have to drag him outside if not he'd stay in all day, starving and laying in bed thinking about God knows what. He was sweet and caring and he'd always have our backs so we loved him. Eventually at the age of 16 it really dawned on me when I looked at my life and his and realized man for as long as I've known this kid he has seemed completely miserable and in pain, and it felt bad. He was never happy. Eventually when I was 18 he died from a respiratory problem at 16.
I realized he was never joking, I think he really thought about it cause he would rationalize it like this "well if I was never born, I wouldn't have tasted life to desire to be alive in the first, it wouldn't matter, maybe my spirit could've been born with a different mother and I could have a better life." I'm paraphrasing but that's how he'd talk when me and our friends would tell him "dude how can you say you want to not have existed? Like videogames, cartoons are the best thing ever, how can you want to miss out on that knowing what you know?"
He really was genuine about wishing to be unborn, cause he never attempted suicide, he'd just mope, not shower, starve and try and decay away in bed.
And now I think about it, he was a case of someone who could've benefitted so much from having been aborted. He was given an opportunity of pro-life and he grew up understanding these things, his situation and if he had the choice he would've made his mom have an abortion.
His mom never recovered after his death, she became mentally unstable. It's nothing but one really depressing story with no ups to it.
So this is my problem with anti-abortioners. It's these thing they don't think about.
Are they gonna take care of the mom and her kid if she doesn't abort? I mean even when the kid becomes an adult at 18 and has both physical illness and mental illness and reluctant parents who don't wanna be responsible for them anymore, are they gonna shove their way a bunch of resources so they can pay for college? A car? Or get them a good job where they can afford an apt and healthcare where they are also able to enjoy their own lives with being able to spend money beyond just necessities because being happy is very important to survival?
Having a life just be born for the sake "religion" or some morality doesn't do squat for the kid or even the mother if there's no one or nothing to take care of them properly and give them a life above poverty.
Pro-lifers just wanna pat themselves in the back with "we did it! Another life not aborted" but than walk away soon as that kid is born. Where's the rest of the support and compassion for the rest of that kids life? Why aren't they fighting for that kids mother to get equal pay in the job market? Why aren't they fighting for minimum wage to be higher so that kid can provide for himself eventually? Why aren't they fighting for free or affordable college so that kids doesn't have to work for peanuts and never be able to afford to address their health concerns? Why aren't they fighting for that kid to not have to pay an arm and a leg when he needs an ambulance due to an accident?
No let em be born and let's forget about them after! What's the point of even caring initially anyway? Like what? Is this really all for a bumper sticker that shows how Christian or Morally righteous you are?
Holy shit man. I am speechless. Thank you for sharing
Ppl don't deserve to be born into misery and live miserable lives. If pro-lifers really want to stop abortion than they need to create a system that protects mother's health and finances and a system to help raise a kid until they are successful enough to provide a good life for themselves. Until then they need to stop being selfish about their needs only!
A good point. Do-gooders congratulating themselves and shrugging at the aftermath.
The point of pro-life is to prevent generational wealth. If people are forced to have children they cannot afford then their family cannot retain wealth. It is beneficial to the bourgeoisie.
Yeah one of many reasons. Capitalism was a mistake
I feel you. I hate the it’s all part of God’s plan crowd and their hypocrisy.
> And then had to live with the mess her parents created until she was 18.
From the post:
>Childbirth left her disabled: to this day she has chronic pain in her hips and walks with a cane.
They doomed their daughter to having a life a pain, because she was so evil as to be abused by her older brother. Nothing happened to him, that we know, but she was sent away.
People acting like not having a kid today equals murdering someone 20 years from now, just insane.
The number of potential humans is the number of eggs in the world, multiplied by the number of sperm in the world, multiplied by the number of possible moments that an egg and sperm could combine.
If we look at "failure to create a human that you could've created" as equivalent to murder, we are all murdering countless millions of potential people every day.
Doesn't matter if it's the choice to remove the embryo from your body post-fertilization, or the choice not to have sex with a passing stranger. Or even the choice not to hire a man who would have gone on to marry one of his new coworkers and have kids with her...Those choices all lead to the nonexistence of a potential person who would've existed if you chose differently. So are you responsible for that person's nonlife? Is that the same as being responsible for someone's death?
Definitely fodder for an existential crisis. Not exactly a great reason for the government to start forcing people through prolonged torture in the name of bringing a tiny and arbitrary set of those infinite potential people into existence. Also not a good reason to inflict some sort of punishment on every woman who fails to produce those few specific hypothetical potential people.
Being 11 years old when you are subjected to such severe and prolonged physical trauma that you have to walk with a cane for the rest of your life, and being "fine" somehow after all that? A lot of people would have killed themselves. She is truly exceptional
Yeah I doubt mom is "fine." She's had a lot of practice faking it.
So few people would bring their experiences forward from this perspective. Thank you for your vulnerability, and know that I'm deeply moved by your story.
To be vulnerable with such an experience especially considering the stigmas surrounding it takes an amazing feat of strength that I could never imagine having.
There are a lot of experiences I have that I could use to shed light on people’s perspectives of things but that’s a level of vulnerability beyond me and so I hugely commend OP for speaking out about this.
This is really sweet. I completely understand that you wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing things that deeply affected you or are incredibly personal- even if you think that others would benefit from hearing them.
I don’t think it’s fair that it has to take someone exposing themselves so much for other people to understand something. You can’t be responsible for educating everyone around you.
Your trauma and experiences are not just educational materials for other people.
Does that make sense?
Yes that completely makes sense. Thank you so much for this. I really wish it was easier for me to speak on certain things but I’ve been on and off in therapy for years and I still can’t bring myself to verbalized certain things.
It’s so easy for people from the outside to shut things down and invalidate experiences simply because they don’t understand and choose to continue their ignorance. I get it though. This is heavy stuff.
I was expecting it to go the complete opposite way at first, but was gladly surprised
>So few people would bring their experiences forward from this perspective
People are so incapable of separating their own experiences from their opinions. I was talking with a pro lifer who told me that the doctor said they should abort because of risks (I don't remember the specifics) and his daughter was born prematurely. (His daughter and wife are fine I think.) From what he was saying it was clear he couldn't view that i was saying women should be able to choose as me saying anything other than "you should have murdered your daighter."
I care a lot less about the being born/not born part, much more about aftercare, which is never talked about.
Appreciate you sharing
Absolutely this. I visited Brazil, where abortion is illegal per their constitution, but children are literally thrown out there and they literally live in the streets. It's heartbreaking. But you mention abortion and people will lose their shit!
Yeah, it’s insanity. There’s no critical thinking there. Murdering a fetus is bad but letting children starve on the streets as their teeth rot is totally ace.
They should pick themselves up by their bootystraps.
They'll gladly beat any tourist up that comes to the wrong neighborhood and take there's.
It's about control over women, nothing else.
You shouldn’t use the word, “murder”, in regards to abortion. It’s not murder. And the word, “murder”, is used by pro-birth nuts to imply that abortions are literally killing a person.
And it's infuriating when you try and show them that access to birth control actually reduces abortions since there aren't as many unwanted pregnancies. Thus education and cheap easy access to birth control is far more effective in all areas of reducing unwanted pregnancies and abortions than just outright banning it.
But these laws aren't really about the benefit for the mothers or the children, but control over them.
>But these laws aren't really about the benefit for the mothers or the children, but control over them.
They're also about moral superiority. They help no one other than conservatives to feel better than everyone else.
>I care a lot less about the being born/not born part, much more about aftercare, which is never talked about.
The anti-abortion group is usually one of the most vocally against supporting aftercare. The second you give birth, they quite literally stop giving two shits. It's your problem now, figure it out.
>such as the potential trauma on the kid if they do want to keep the baby
I don't know about that. If children can't consent to sex, it follows that they also can't consent to carrying out a pregnancy. There might be good arguments to not make abortion mandatory for child pregnancies, but that one doesn't convince me. Of course, I understand you're not making these arguments, you're just trying to come up with some kind of example, but I think it would have to be an insanely good argument to justify allowing a child to risk her life having a baby which is most likely a result of rape.
Out of curiosity what is it about 13 year olds that makes them suitable parents in a way that someone who is 12 years and 364 days old is not suitable?
We recognize a minimum level maturity requirement for driving and voting, why should parenting be younger?
I get where you are coming from emotionally btw, just questioning the age threshold.
Hmm I wouldn't say emotional maturity is different but a lot of 13 year olds are just bigger and are further along in puberty, making the physical pregnancy and birth safer.
That’s the issue with age cutoffs in general - what magical change happens on your birthday to make you suitable to drive, vote, smoke, or get married? None, but until we have a better solution, it is what it is.
I don't know what to say to this, other than, ditto. Children having children? Then expecting them to raise them? Sheesh. That's not a good equation.
The beauty of abortion is that nearly all of them are done long before a baby has developed anything remotely close to actual thought and consciousness, so there's no person to "regret" not being able to live, because there was no person existing to begin with, just the potential for it.
I was not a product of rape or abuse but my mother should not have had any of us. Due to not being alble to get an abortion I am have suffered a life full of genetic mental illness, genetic chronic physical illness, abuse and more mental illness due to the abuse. There’s not a single day that goes by that I don’t resent my mother for having us.
Some people shouldn’t be parents. It’s just a fact. She didn’t want us and now we have to pay the price.
I so share your sentiment. I'm sitting here battling depression from all the neglect and it's awful. I'm convinced my mother had kids just so she could have her own little prisoners to torture. She's a selfish narcissist who destroys the lives of those around her, but others at least were able to leave, while we kids had no choice.
I feel that. My parents definitely should not have been allowed to procreate, but they did. One of my Dad's favorite lines to me when he was drunk was how I should be grateful to him that he didn't believe in abortion, and I owed him my life. Luckily the pro life crowd made sure I was born into such a good environment.
What kind of mental illness? My mom has schizophrenia and I just found out an aunt on my dad's side does too. I'm SUPER hesitant to have children because of my mother alone, less now that I've found out about my aunt. Both had the disease later in life, but having it at all is something that deeply wrecks a person and their family.
I'm worried that I may have it and that my children may have it, either are a horrifying prospect to me.
You should consider getting an appointment with a medical specialist with experience treating schizophrenia. Not to decide whether to have kids or not (I don't know that they can help you with that) but to develop a plan for your life if you do. It's good to know how to recognize early symptoms and get care earlier before your mental health spirals out of control.
Source: It runs in my family, too. Some family members would have really been served by early intervention.
I am watching my ex SIL fall apart because she is third in a long line of mentally ill people. She is horrible to everyone around her who has to walk on eggshells. Yet, she says, she thinks she is fine. It’s everyone else who has problems.
It doesn’t matter what mental illness I have, there’s plenty of research on what is genetic or not. Google and doctors can help you and you can also get genetic testing done. Good luck!
Thank you <3
My mother is schizoaffective and my father is bipolar. When my parents had me, they had no idea they had these illnesses. Even so, I’m still glad they had me. I’m not bipolar or schizoaffective. I’d know at this point as men usually show in their early 20s and I’m in my mid 30s. Also, women usually show by their early 30s
If it helps, genetic predisposition usually isn’t enough for you to develop things like schizophrenia/schizoaffective. There usually has to be some pretty terrible trauma in childhood to “unlock” it. My mother had that trauma when she was abused by her brother. I didn’t have that kind of trauma
**Edit:** Oh also, you shouldn’t fuck around with any psychedelics. With that kind of personal history you shouldn’t go there. Even weed is off limits. I’m not a guy to say “weed is bad” but when you have people with that kind of family history, it can also lead to bad places
This is not where I expected this post to go. Good on you. Sending love.
Yeah this got Flippin Sad quick
Honestly i dont think I’ve ever heard a take quite like that, thank you for the insight.
That being said i hope u take what u got with the game of life and run with it, idk nature is pretty
My mother was able to access an abortion, but didn't because she's Catholic.
She should have just aborted me.
She was incapable of keeping her mouth shut. I "destroyed" her life. She hinged her entire self worth on me, and any time I faltered, she lost her damn mind. She'd have an existential crisis where her entire life would become meaningless if I were any less than perfect.
She felt trapped. She went through a phase over the course of my 8-10th grades where she wanted to pretend that she lived alone. She forced both my grandmother and me to stay hidden in our bedrooms for years. We weren't allowed to use the living room or be seen. We eventually gave up and ignored her antics when it became clear nothing we did would make her feel better about herself.
When I went to college, she barely talked to me. Now we're no contact because she switched to getting an enormous amount of joy out of making me miserable. I don't believe she is capable of loving me.
Despite all this, she also wouldn't let my father have me. It became a game to keep me from him. It was made worse that he got shipped out thousands of miles away for the few years before kindergarten so I had no idea who he was. My mother poisoned the well and made me scared of him. My father fucked up, too, telling me that he was going to take me back to his home. This stranger effectively threatening to kidnap me. I developed agoraphobia because I had a fear for 30 years that I could be kidnapped at any second. The custody battled was waged until 6th grade where I had no idea if I was going to be taken from my home and forced to live with a bunch of strangers.
It's really fucked me up. I have had severe emotional problems since middle school. My entire adulthood has been completely dominated by my emotional problems. I barely have an inkling of a freedom of life because I have spent the vast majority of my life just trying to keep my head above water. Just trying to convince myself to not kill myself.
People SHOULD NOT have children simply because they got pregnant. There is no way they can keep up the façade long enough so a child can grow up healthy.
I should have been aborted.
I'm glad to see someone write this. People need to realize life isn't great just because it freaking happens!
To the religious extremists the only point in living is to die; is a death cult where nothing really matters until you’re dead… t
I feel we need two nouns to change some people's perspective on this. Like, existence. That is not a life, that's just physically and biologically existing.
I’m sorry for what you’ve gone thru, you didn’t deserve any of that. This is the reason I a 100% pro choice. People from great homes and great family’s don’t realize the rest of us had to go thru and had to witness. A baby is not always a blessing and a baby will not always be blessed
Thank you for sharing. I wish you frequent tiny sources of happiness to get through each day. You are so strong to have made it this far!
Did you ever try to meet who your father was outside of your mother's manipulation? Or do you still avoid him due to the agoraphobia?
I was still super scared of him until I finally met him when I was 31. I had this overwhelming fear that if he knew where I lived that he would stalk me and kidnap me.
But I was also afraid of never meeting him.
So I met him in his home state at a truck stop with my husband. The fear quickly melted away.
He's an alright guy. I like him, we hang out, my half-sister is a close friend of mine now. I hang out with the extended family. My cousin lived with me for about a year.
But, he was a terrible father. I know that moving into his house wouldn't have solved any of my problems. He's controlling, hyper religious, and a bigot. Zero emotional awareness. I definitely wouldn't have turned out better with him, and I certainly could have turned out worse.
yeaaa it's often that if one side is fucked up, their partner was also that way, else there wouldn't have been attraction
Yeah, for some reason his father hated him. And he was the only boy of 5 girls. So on top of one parent alienating him, he was also alienated by gender. The girls bonded, and to this day they get together for a week vacation every year. My father not invited, of course.
So, my father turned to abandon emotion. He still massively struggles with it. Since I grew up needing to read subtle emotional cues, I can see the bubbling of emotions under my father's skin. He's completely afraid to express them. No one else can see it. They all think he's emotionless, and I try to point out that he's actually extremely sensitive, and his only coping mechanism is to keep everything tightly under control.
He couldn't stand being around his father any more so he joined the navy at 17.
10 years later, in pops up my care free mother. She had a thing for the navy guys and dated several of them. Heck, she's still into military guys, her longest relationship she still has is an army guy. She's been dating that guy on and off for close to 25 years now. She *does not* want to commit, though. I don't know what's going on with that, but any time a guy proposes, she dumps them. Sucked for me! Because all of a sudden my favorite person on the face of the earth disappears on child-me. Because he proposed 🤦♀️
As my father says, my mother was the light of his life. It was an amazing feeling to come back to port and have someone so excited to see him. Of course! He felt completely alienated from his family, so to have someone actually *like* him would obviously be an incredible feeling.
It's not uncommon for an emotionally controlled people to get with emotionally uncontrolled people. I've repeated the same dynamic with my husband. I was pretty conscious of my choice when I first met my husband, because I really needed my primary relationship to be more emotionally muted so I could have a source be emotionally calm and not rile up my emotions. My husband is still unable to share his insight as to why he picked emotional me... He still is unable to perceive his own emotions. Which... Causes a lot of problems.
So, my father fell in love. And somehow my mother got pregnant. I don't know what happened, but one thing they both agree on is that they were no longer together by the time I was born.
My mother says he dumped her on the side of the road because he was cheating on his wife and didn't want a baby to blow up his marriage. But... He didn't get married until I was 3-4 years old. And his "first daughter" was actually his wife's daughter from a different father.
He says he got shipped out for another 6 months. But... When he came back he wanted to "try again" with my mother. Within the first year of my life he would visit regularly. And he proposed...
... Oh. He proposed. That's why she dumped him 🤦♀️
Anywho, so he got transferred to the opposite side of the country for 3 years. No visits, no phone calls. He got transferred back to our side of the country when I was 5. Promptly attempted to kidnap me out of school 🤦♀️
And the rest is traumatic history for me.
I’m the product of a pedophile and his victim. Unfortunately my mother always hated me for it and I didn’t get my happy ending until my father died and I cut my mother out forever. His side of the family shunned me. Her side shunned me when they found out I kissed a girl in high school.
I wish I could time travel and tell my mother to get the abortion but she grew up incredibly religious and was super pro life herself. She never wanted me but saw no other way.
Now in January I will be a mom myself and I am thankful to have my little girl. But the thought of how I came to be will always be lingering in the back of my mind.
Sorry to hear you have to carry that weight with you. Hope you find a lot of solace and some sort of rebirth with your own child. All we can do is break the cycles that we were born into.
I’m so excited to meet her. She’s the only human in this world that I will ever love with my entire heart and soul. I have found solace in rescuing my dog and two cats. They have gotten me through so many times. There were days I only got out of bed and went outside just so my pup could go potty. Now I’m building the family I never had and I couldn’t be happier.
I have an awesome therapist and psychiatrist and they really help me. Talking through the struggles in my brain really keeps me from wallowing. They finally found me sleeping meds that work and they aren’t narcotics because both my parents are addicts and I’ve always been terrified of any medication that I could become dependent on. My life is finally at peace.
I bet she's going to be amazing and so proud of you for surviving as long as you did in order to build your family together. My younger sister is giving birth to her first child, her name is going to be Ila, and it's been heartwarming to be a part of.
My mom had me at 16 and was not prepared to be a single mom. She had 3 kids by the age of 21. The mix of her own mental health problems, my grandmas addiction problems and those effects on her life, and the repeated abusive relationships she involved us in.... Growing up was tough.
Now I get to see my baby sister create this beautiful life around her and it's such a relief. After all she went through, she still gets to be happy. Proud doesn't even begin to cover it.
Proud of you too for doing the hard work of recovery. Recovery is never linear and it's a lifelong endeavor in my opinion - but it really appears as though you've reached an incredible milestone.
Wishing you many blessed years, a healthy vibrant baby girl, and all the joy in the world.
Thank you so much for your kind words! Reddit is definitely my safe space. I tell Reddit all my problems, all my happy times, all my sadness and everything in between. I hope to keep this account for as long as possible so one day I can look back and see how far I’ve come.
In these cases I don’t understand why she didn’t at least let a family adopt you.
She was adopted from birth and her family beat her senseless under the name of god.
Also she got government benefits from pushing me out of her womb. So for a while she gave up PHYSICAL custody of me. I was bounced from foster home to foster home but I could never be adopted because she wanted the benefits so she refused to give up legal custody. It wasn’t til I was 17 that my social worker, my awesome lawyer and I sued her. I won custody of myself and became my own legal foster mother til 22 that I was freed from her.
Who’s to say that would be any better. All family is not good family
That’s how I feel. My parents were addicts. I didn’t have a mother growing up. Even though I had my father after he got clean, I could tell he wasn’t truly ready to have kids. I have crippling mental health issues that I fear are untreatable. I wouldn’t suffer as much if they waited or just didn’t have kids.
I believe people have an ideology of “right vs wrong” that is made out of a dangerous concepts emotional reasoning. And black and white thinking (this OR that, no shades of grey or acceptance for anything in between.)
If you like, there's a support group you could try that's kinda like AA but for families, and it might help you. One of the tenets is no promotion, though, so feel free to dm me or just look it up online.
Yep, more and more people think in black and white which is ironic for Americans in the US. So sick of this thinking.
My mother was sickly growing up. Lung issues, heart problems, I think a deformed valve. my dad kept forcing her to have children as her health declined rapidly. My mom had 10 kids with her 9 child she had a miscarriage. She was relieved about it. But just over a year later my dad gave my mom a choice more kids or he would cheat on her. She went on to give him one more kid before being hospitalized off and on for organ failure. First thing my dad asked the doctor was if she would be able to have more kids.
While she was in the hospital he was sleeping around. She soon died.
When asked why he kept cheating, his reply was it's better to fill the belly of a whole then let your seed hit the ground.
Catholic teachings at its best.
None of his children are religious and this is a contributing factor.
Abortions would have helped her I think.
Does he not realize that God would judge him for his infidelity and placing his wife under unnecessary circumstances that sent her to an early grave?
Jesus, no wonder why the younger generations don't want to be religious anymore. I can't blame them.
Oh man that is so horrible! Your poor mom, this breaks my heart. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Over all he wasn't a good father. And after our mother passed, my dad left leaving 3 of my younger siblings to fend for themselves. The only reason why my sibling are being taken care of now is because the landlord called us when she saw my dad move his stuff out and not my younger siblings things.
Thank you for sharing! Your perspective should be heard more, especially those in legislation. May your life go up from this point on!
No one has the right to tell a woman, girl, or 11 year old child that they must continue with an unwanted pregnancy.
Edit: I had an abortion at 23 and 10 years later I have zero regrets.
Yes, we used two forms of protection.
I do not want children, and I should not have to abstain from sex because of that.
Agreed 110%. The physical and *mental* well-being of the mother should always come first. I know I couldn't handle the stress of trying to be a mother. But some people will keep trying to force pregnancies until the world burns.
Yeah I don't understand how this is "another perspective". Like it's an 11 yr old rape victim, I honestly could care less if their baby would turn out to be a decently neat person
What an incredible, moving story. Thank you for sharing OP
You're mother was left permanently disabled after being raped. I'm glad you exist but that IMO is a crime. Your "parents" victimized her as much as her older brother did.
There is no redemption here, just layers of tragedy.
OP is saying they fully agree with you and that their 11 year old mother should have NEVER been forced to carry for 9 months and they birth the product of rape/abuse.
AND that no person should ever be forced to carry and birth against their will ever.
Maybe OP did some edits for clarity after you made your post? They did a really lovely job of saying even through they exist because of anti abortion thinking they believe no person should ever have to go through any pregnancy or birth they do not want for any reason.
She was left permanently disabled from giving birth at eleven. Bone structure at that age does not support vaginal birth.
I'm aware, which is one of the many facets as to why I consider forcing a child to give birth to be a criminal act.
I've given birth three times and I cannot imagine a child going through that. If anything being a mother has made me more firm in being pro choice.
I am actually the opposite of you. The only reason I am alive is because of abortion. My mother had two abortions before I was born, one pregnancy in which my dad was also the father. She was 21 when she had me and if she hadn’t had those abortions I wouldn’t be here and neither would my brother! People really don’t realize that women who have abortions rarely just don’t want children, it’s just not the right time or a million other reasons that aren’t your business. They do end up having kids who wouldn’t exist without their earlier decision. So I’m glad my mom had access to healthcare!!!
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I have two (of four) children born after (and frankly because of) an abortion. They are still quite young, but I’ve always felt like it’s sure to be a sad day when I tell my kids the story. Maybe they’ll see it as the positive I truly feel it is. 💜
My mom didn’t tell me until I was in my late teens and after I’d fully understood what abortion was. We were never very religious so that wasn’t an issue. When she did I felt closer to her and relieved that she trusted me with her story. I’m sure your children will feel the same 💛
My daughter is 20 and I talked to her about my abortions, I told her my reasoning behind getting them, she said she feels like I was probably a better mom to her and her brother because I had them when I was ready and wasn't forced to have babies I wasn't ready for.
Same! My sister and I wouldn’t have existed had my mother not had an abortion. My father wasn’t a great man, and had they kept their “surprise” early in the relationship, she would have seen that ugly side of him sooner and while my sister may have existed, I certainly would not have.
My abortion was done from a place of love. A decision of love. Love for myself, my embryo, my future, it's future, and my living son's future. It was the right thing to do for all involved. Only woman can make these decisions and I'm so proud your mother did what was right for her. ❤️
I can relate, because I shouldn’t have been born if my older twin brothers were born. My parents decided to have three children. So after my eldest sister, my mom got pregnant with twin boys. I don’t really know what happened but my mom had a miscarriage then. It must’ve been really bad, since my mom has a heart problem.
Few years later, my older sister and I were born two years apart. After that my mom started taking birth control pills and never got pregnant again.
That's similar to my story. I had a daughter at 21, I found myself pregnant (with the same man, we're still together 22 years later too btw) my birth control had failed. I wasn't ready mentally, emotionally, or financially. I had an abortion. I ended up having two abortions due to failed birth control, 4 years after having my daughter I found myself pregnant again, this time I was in a better headspace and we were financially better off. I had my son and I feel like I was a better parent to the two of them because I was able to determine my own fate regarding pregnancy and when the right time was. The anti-choice crowd always seem to make it seem like it's just women sleeping around using it all willy-nilly, very often it is women like me, who were in a long-term relationship and had birth control failures. I want to note that this was before the ACA which mandated that health insurance cover birth control pills with no co-pay. I wanted an IUD after my daughter, but the cost was about $1,000. I couldn't afford that.
"I would do so in a heartbeat"
I see what you did there.
But really, I admire you and your determination. I have no doubt that good can come from horrible circumstances, but the mother should always have a choice, and her health should also be a priority.
Personally, 11 year olds shouldn't have children, no matter the circunstaces, and 99.99% of those cases of pregnancy will be from abuse
One thing that pro birthers always bring up, "what if your parents aborted you?"
This is the thing that I don't think people understand much. If you had not been born, if you had never existed, it wouldn't matter to you because you would never have known. What is known is that the mother could have potentially had a better quality of life. I'm glad you recognize this.
Right. You can flip the script on them. It was "gods will". Or, "god needed me elsewhere". Who's to say that you wouldn't exist in the future, or, that you had already existed in the past. Gods time isn't linear.
This is brilliant but above their grasp of abstract thinking sadly
Hell, they believe that human beings sin as soon as they are born. If being a group of cells in the womb is considered living but they aren't born yet, that means that all aborted babies automatically go to heaven. So in reality, they're all a bunch of selfish fucks that corrupt their children with sin and prevent them from going to heaven.
They shamed your 11 year old mother for being pregnant but did nothing to their older son? Your grandparents & sperm donor/uncle are disgusting.
My mom should have aborted both her kids, and honestly, she should have been forcefully sterilized. I said what I said.
Not everyone should be a parent.
My mother never should have had children either. There are a few people that shouldn't even be allowed to be around young people.
Edit: are you my brother? 🤔
Edit2: nevermind, not my brother lmao
I'm in this boat with you. My grandma begged my 18y/o mom to abort me but she insisted on going through with the pregnancy. A negligent mother, she then proceeded to have my sister to give me a "friend." Well, she spent 18 years pitting us against each other for her own amusement.
If I had never been born, I would have never existed to experience the pain I went through and the pain I still carry.
Nobody ever does. It's why there are so many people telling adult children "but that's your moooom! she loves you!" when they cut ties with abusive parents. Too many people are unable to take off the rose-colored glasses to see the world as it really is.
My mum had 7 kids, none of them stayed with her past the age of 10. She was a horrible person in general but as soon as her kids could start walking she checked out.
Her last 3 were IVF babies. She had her last bub 13 years ago and as a narcissistic alcoholic lost custody. After losing custody of 3 others to their paternal grandparents. I’m raising the youngest now, my sister. Who has a congenital disorder likely due to mother drinking whilst pregnant and needs constant care/meds to live her life. Absolute madness.
Edit: I love my sister, but fuck me dead if my heart doesn’t break for her on the daily.
Wtf IVF really? Why? So expensive to just mistreat the resulting offspring.
NHS - it was free.
Also, more kids meant more social benefits for her.
I left home at 15, she continued to claim for me being there, preventing me from getting *that* help myself for my hostel.
Amen dude. People think that getting knocked up automatically entitles you to being a good parent🤣
Anyone is entitled to be a good parent. Sadly, so few step up to the plate… they act like asshats instead.
My dad had no business having kids. At least I was the only one.
Mom was decent but the only real parent. Dad was there to howl about the unfairness of the world and to beat on me if/when I ever stepped out of line. Authoritarian fundamentalist.
> My mom was 11 years old ... Childbirth left her disabled:
This is the effect of anti-choice, anti-evidence-based-medical-advice legislation. Maternal mortality and morbidity.
In [country](https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0167629620310596) after country, [around the world](https://bmcwomenshealth.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12905-018-0705-y), when abortion is legal, maternal mortality (e.g. DEATH) and adverse effects goes down. When Ireland changed their laws in 2018 to allow abortions ... Maternal mortality rates went to ZERO and stayed there from 2018 onward.
That changed because of the ["Health Service Executive: Investigation of Incident 50278"](http://cdn.thejournal.ie/media/2013/06/savita-halappanavar-hse-report.pdf) which said **repeatedly** that the law (like the Texas law) impeded the quality of care and killed mothers. It went on to state if changes were to be made it needed to include changing the law because their medical recommendations couldn't be implemented unless the Ireland fetal heartbeat law was changed. Quoting:
> We strongly recommend and advise the clinical professional community, health and social care regulators and the Oireachtas to consider the law including any **necessary constitutional change** and related administrative, legal and clinical guidelines in relation to the management of **inevitable miscarriage in the early second trimester** of a pregnancy including with prolonged rupture of membranes and where the risk to the mother increases with time from the time that membranes are ruptured including the risk of infection and thereby reduce risk of harm up to and including death.
n 2013 they allowed SOME abortions and ONLY again if there was maternal risk. Maternal mortality continued unchanged. Then in 2018 in the [Irish abortion referendum: Ireland overturns abortion ban](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-44256152) and for the first time, Maternal Mortality dropped to ZERO. Z.e.r.o.
|Year | Number of abortions | Deaths Complications of pregnancy, childbirth and puerperium (O00-O99) | Context
|--- | ---|---|---|
2007 | 0 | 2 | Abortion Illegal
2008 | 0 | 3 | Abortion Illegal
2009 | 0 | 3 | Abortion Illegal
2010 | 0 | 1 | Abortion Illegal
2011 | 0 | 2 | Abortion Illegal
2012 | 0 | 2 | Abortion Illegal
2013 | 0 | 3 | [Abortion Illegal: Savita Halappanavar's death caused by law and a "fetal heartbeat"](http://cdn.thejournal.ie/media/2013/06/savita-halappanavar-hse-report.pdf)
2014 | 26 | 1 | Abortion only allowed with mother's health at risk
2015 | 26 | 1 | Abortion only allowed with mother's health at risk
2016 | 25 | 4 | Abortion only allowed with mother's health at risk
2017 | 15 | 1 | Abortion only allowed with mother's health at risk
2018 | 32 | 0 | [Constitutional change Abortion Allowed](https://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-44256152)
2019 | 6666 | 0 | Abortion Allowed
2020 | 6577 | 0 | Abortion Allowed
And the fact that this is inevitable shows up with a spike in maternal mortality EACH time this kind of anti-science belief comes between medical professionals and women's health.
Texas blocked planned parenthood in 2011 and [maternal mortality (e.g. DEATH) **DOUBLED** in Texas and in no other states](https://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/aug/20/texas-maternal-mortality-rate-health-clinics-funding). Something that wasn't seen in adjacent states, or from the article ....
> the doubling of [maternal] mortality rates in a two-year period was hard to explain “in the absence of war, natural disaster, or severe economic upheaval”. .... No other state saw a comparable increase.
Across the world time and time again when abortion is banned ... women are as murdered by these kind of laws as if they were told they couldn't have an operation on an appendix until it bursts. Death and disease for women and more orphans are the results of these blind beliefs overriding science and logic.
My mom was advised to abort me because I had choroid plexus cysts in my brain and might have come out more stupid than I did. They claim to protect people like me, but I wouldn't be alive. Why would I care? You can't lose something you never had.
I don't know if my mom contemplated abortion but I was a "surprise" baby as well. I'm pretty sure they got married because of me. She could have easily gotten rid of me. The cool thing about being an atheist is that I don't really care if she would have. You can't miss what you never had. That's the big thing, these "children" don't even have a brain to mourn their unlived lives. Even if they would have had a good life if born what does it matter? They won't miss it.
I'd like to remind people that foster care isn't the best option in these cases either. If they are lucky, they might find a good foster parents.
But there's still a hearty percentage that go to homes of predators and abusers who use them as well.
I can't tell you how heart breaking it is to hear a young boy talk about how one of his past foster parents only took in young boy so he could rape them.
Add to that adoption. I am constantly reminded that adoption is the correct answer. But many people don't realize how fraught with pain many adoptees are. I have two in my family and while one has made great strides in making peace with it they still have their moments.
The other one, I think has an undiagnosed personality disorder which has wrecked their life. No drugs or addictions but constantly struggling with something. It's absolutely heartbreaking to see someone constantly wanting to do well but is just so deeply affected by their deep wounds.
Live your life to the fullest OP, and love your mom with all your heart. So much so that she would feel that all the suffering wasnt for nothing and that you made a great life out of painful circumstances for the both of you.
Oh, also, sorry, but fuck your dad, he should rot in jail, and your enabler grandparents should live a lonely, solitary life questioning their life choices daily.
As much as I would never wish death on someone, a life isn't worth destroying a whole family, ruining a life of a person and leaving a rapist roam free.
On the sunny side, you exist and things slowly adjusted, because life rarely goes how we want it to.
This story really speaks to me. My older brother sexually abused me too. It started when I was ten and he was fourteen. I never got pregnant, because it never evolved into penetrative penis in vagina sex, but I can’t imagine what would have happened if it did. My family was very Christian and I probably wouldn’t have had access to abortion either.
When it got discovered (two years later) what he was doing to me it was written off as children being children and being curious. He’s still an emotionally abusive asshole anytime he visits for family holidays and I’m expected to just smile and make small talk or else I’m ‘being dramatic’ to cause problems.
Wow I honestly did not expect that viewpoint from someone in your shoes. You have an amazing amount of maturity, emotional intelligence, empathy, the list goes on and on. You moved me to tears with your story but more importantly with your outlook on it.
And I think you’re spot on. Many of the politicians and supporters who helped pass the Texas abortion bill are seemingly concerned with making sure a fetus is carried to term and delivered but somehow don’t care as much about what that fetus will go through once it is a living breathing human being. And somehow don’t care much about what the person forced to carry and deliver the fetus goes through in the process. I’m sorry these were your circumstances but I’m really proud of you for facing them.
My husband was adopted by a couple in Texas, but was born in Louisiana. His bio mom was only 15 and according to his adoptive mom, his bio mom was a very small girl. When my husband was born, his collar bone broke while he was being birthed vaginally. My MIL said he really should have been born via C-Section but she thought the OB was punishing his bio mom for being a “bad girl” and getting pregnant out of wedlock.
My husband always thought that his bio mom didn’t have a c-section because it was her choice, and held a grudge against her for that. He has seizures that could be linked to O2 depravation at birth and with the collar bone break. After what my MIL told me what she did I told my husband that it likely that his bio mom was never even given that option and she was forced to go through what was likely a very painful vaginal birth. He softened a lot towards this biological mother he never met.
I feel so sorry for this girl who likely never had any choices regarding giving birth. Don’t get me wrong, I am very very thankful for my husband and he had a great life with his adoptive parents who gave him the world. But, I know the entire thing has likely caused her a lifetime of pain, whether physical, mental or both.
I can't fathom why, with nearing 8 billion people alive today, we need to force women to reproduce when for what ever reason they're determined to end the parasitic occupancy.
My husband is also a child of an unwanted pregnancy. My mil was barely 16 when he was born. She was kicked out of the house, worked several jobs and struggled raising my husband. Somehow they both made it out and they are both amazing parents, successful, and wonderful people. Even hearing what they have gone through I don't support this ridiculous Texas bill. Every woman has a right to choose.
Honestly you are who people need to listen to
It's a nice thought but the people who are capable of listening to other people and empathizing with someone who has different experiences, already agree with OP.
So so so happy to hear that you end this the way you do. Not enough people in situations similar to yours realize that personal feelings of gratitude for life don't show that you would be 'missing out on something' had you not been born. There wouldn't be a YOU to be missing out on anything had you or anyone in else in your position not been born. Also, thank you for your courage in sharing your take! Don't know if you enjoy reading/watching philosophy, but if you do, you should check out Derek Parfit's discussion of the non-identity problem.
Essentially, that's his word for the tension between the fact that, given the butterfly effect, it's fair to say that had things been even slightly different we wouldn't exist at all (after all, we are all the result of one single sperm combining with one single egg) and the fact that it seems like we can legitimately complain about the actions of our predecessors - specifically, about those that influence the world in ways that affect our lives. He examines this problem in the context of climate change (e.g., can someone born in 2030 blame people like me for not taking stronger climate action, when it seems fair to think that they likely would not have been born had we taken stronger climate action sooner) but I think someone in your position might find it interesting nonetheless.
For all the radical right cares about "cold hard facts", it remains true that mothers in nature will care less or even hate their unwanted children. It's an evolutionary instinct. In the case of humans, unwanted children perform worse in school, make far less average income throughout their lives, have a higher chance of being victims of child abuse and are plagued by all sorts of trauma stemming from a difficult childhood. An increase in all of these problems is the scientifically predictable outcome of a law like this.
I don't even want to mention men abusing the law to consciously force their child onto a woman either by rape or by deceit, whether it is some sick "sentimental" act or just something new that commonplace rapists can get away with for their own enjoyment. It sounds like inflamatory rethoric but it is bound to happen.
Your selflessness is heartwarming. I do not live in America and I am still so shocked and petrified by the situation in Texas.
Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry for your mother and I hope she will find peace. I am glad you two have a positive relationship.
>They hid her away from the public eye and shamed her for being pregnant. She begged to be allowed to abort me, but her parents denied her access to an abortion.
>But if I could go back in time and somehow change her parents' minds, I would do so in a heartbeat. No one should ever be forced to endure a pregnancy and childbirth against their will, especially a victim of abuse, and especially a child.
If they are alive, you should make their life as shitty as possible. And when they are dead, you should make their legacy as shitty as possible.
"respect the dead"
Bingo. Some people improve the world by leaving it
Wow. Based on what you wrote and how you wrote, you have a ton of emotional maturity. I had far smaller issues to deal with when I was much older and couldn't articulate them a fraction as well as you did.
I hope you continue thrive. You might feel that you should have never been born, but you can certainly give your existence a purpose.
The new law would stop abortions even in instances of rape or child abuse??
Yes. The new law bans any past six weeks, no exceptions, even though most people don't even know they're pregnant yet that soon. Luckily the Supreme Court is suing them, so this law shouldn't last long, but I do hope they're able to get rid of it before it causes very many deaths from unsafe abortion methods.
Oh yeah, 100%
I know I’m way too late, but I’m the same as you OP! My mom was an addict and she was raped. I am disabled because of her addiction. She was basically manipulated to continue her pregnancy. She went to the abortion clinic *four times.*
She abandoned me at the hospital, and had no aftercare whatsoever. She suffered immensely from guilt and her drug use spiraled out of control.
I was adopted by the doctors cousin. They erased my heritage from the paperwork. When my disabilities became apparent, they left me at a residential school where I was medically, physically and sexually abused.
I’m pro choice. My birth mother is pro choice and now helps our family get birth control. (I know both of them now.)
My life has been really sad for everyone involved. I’m a mix of my mothers worst memory and my fathers worst deed. I can’t get mental healthcare for that. Pro life people vote against people like me having health care. I don’t know what I’m going to do because I can’t afford to support myself.
I’m not suicidal; but I should not have been born.
Pro-birthers are not pro-lifers. They don't care or support what happens after birth.
Thank you, I appreciate your story.
My teen mother came from a family with a tradition of physical and emotional abuse, mental health issues and addiction. When she went off birth control to try and hook my father into marriage. When she got pregnant - 3/4 of my grandparents pushed for abortion, but my grandmother shielded her... she obsessed over me before birth, then went to party and "live her life" traveling when I was a toddler. Some of my earliest persistent thoughts were "where's mommy?" Before I naturally bonded to my grandmother and stopped caring.
This woman and her family were never fit for children, and I
paid for it. When she came back into my life, she was abusive, unstable, demanding and she held a grudge because her (8 yo) son loved his grandmother- who was present- more. She had borderline personality disorder, chronic health issues that she neglected(in part for her attention), and made shitty decisions - like to move the whole family to a ghetto off north avenue in Baltimore for 3 years to be labor for a townhouse renovation (which was really just a mess of broken walls and breathing filth and plaster) once she burnt up all the rest of what little the family had. To too that off, I never knew anything about my father until I was 13. I spent a few years thinking my step dad was my biological father.
I was emaciated through high school, twitchy and anxious from home abuse, socially stunted and separate from my peers, made fun of for being the dirty poor kid. saw family violence, death threats took on obscene amounts of class work and extracurriculars to stay out of the house. We were so poor at one point, we were heating our house with an open oven... and came back after school to a kitten baked alive. That's some nightmare fuel every child should experience (/s).
But I got lucky, very lucky. My father turned out to be guilt ridden, but one of the most respectable people I have ever met. The whole side of that family took me in eventually. I had good Samaritans at my school that put money on my lunch card anonymously, teachers and friends families who took me in and let me live with them, an aunt and uncle who took me down to visit every summer to live like a normal teenager... and a mind that was inquisitive and resilient, dreaming of getting out and going to college no matter how many expensive ass loans I had to borrow against my future.
But it didn't end after escaping my mother. I was an 18 year old with no support battling mental health issues, addiction and had seriously lagging social, emotional, fiscal, and rational growth. My 20s were consumed by bad medications, bad doctors, substance abuse, isolation, self-loathing, directionlessness... I dodged a lot of killing shots from hard drugs offered and creating my own unwanted children. I got lucky lucky lucky in my adulthood and was able to develop into a healthy, logical, empathetic individual. When my mother died from unmanaged diabetic complications, I felt nothing. I think disassociating myself from her is more telling than feeling a lasting hatred.
But most people from this kind of background don't get the chances and lucky breaks I did. Like you, I would have been born anyway b/c my situation. But the kinder thing to do would have been being aborted. Don't get me wrong, I really like my life and am steps away from achieving some life fulfilling goals. But noone should have to go through a childhood of such dysfunction and pain because they are born into a family that can't, or doesn't want to, care for a child.
The thing about not being born is that it wasn't a problem in the first place. I'd just remain in the ether unaware of my existence.
I got pregnant when I was 17, thankfully my parents were able to take me to get abortion. That’s the best decision I could’ve ever made. I can’t imagine giving birth to a child at such a young age, I wouldn’t be able to see the world, wouldn’t be able to finish school and have the amazing job I have today, I never ever regretted having abortion, it was like a second chance at life, and that’s not fair for bunch of politicians to rob anyone’s second chance at life just because their own beliefs!
I don’t want to be a downer, but if my mother had gotten an abortion, I would not exist and that would have been better in my circumstance. She wanted to have me, but when she got what she wanted she turned resentful, abused me to the point that at 25 I’m a severely traumatized and disabled schizophrenic. The episodes are so bad from day to day, death would be a blessing. It would be welcome now. I have no way of legally ending a life that should not exist. It wasn’t just her abuse and neglect that caused this. I was also molested by a pediatrician repeatedly, endured a horrible surgery accident by waking up during a tonsillectomy at 4 years old. Among several other traumatizing experiences at an early age that left me almost completely without empathy. My only salvation in this world is animals, the only thing keeping me from doing what needs to be done. Is animals. At this point I have more empathy for animals than people. And I still wish my mother had gotten an abortion like she had two times previous. They were the lucky ones.
I was raped by my brother as well and my parents are just mad at me for preventing us from being a big happy family. Sigh
I'm so sorry for what you & your mom went through.
This is absolutely horrible, she could have died!
My mother went in to abort me (at the clinic) and then changed her mind. She should have never had any children.
Your maturity seems far beyond your years. I wish for great things in your future & that those that make the decisions get to hear from people like you.
Nobodies life in this story is "fine".
I was born with some low functioning organs that have restricted me in life and are painful at times. I told my mom she should've aborted me when she found out. It really killed her pro-life gotcha she was trying to throw out. I still stand by it, why make me live a life of pain.
I think about this everytime I see my coworker and his son with trisomy-18. How much pain must the child be in and how much is he aware that he'll never have a full life. His whole life on oxygen, laying in one spot.
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So many of us are really hearing and taking in this story, but I am afraid sometimes that the cult of pro-life just doesn't hear it. I'm not sure they are able to fully take in the reality of other people's suffering. They have a particular story in their head and they layer it over the world. It reminds me of Q anon folks; they cannot take in that their child sex trade fear fantasies are not real nor can they direct their energy to lobbying government for actual programs that help children.
In a way, they too have been broken. I believe that when people get into such a cult-like mentality, something has traumatized them and they cling to their fantasy and ideals, afraid to face their own pain. They can't help real people at that point, because they can't face real world pain and fear (and actually do something helpful), because they can't face their own pain and fear.
OP is not doing that. OP is facing her pain and living in the real world, even after so much suffering. This is powerful and world-changing. And maybe it will get through to some of those people who are in the cult-trance, even a bit, and help change this horrible law. Thank you for your bravery, OP.
> child sex trade fear fantasies
Bad news bud: child sex trade is extremely real. Shit's dark out there.
I’m so glad you came forward with this information. I preach this everyday and no one believes me.
If this story is true, current DNA testing would very likely prove your brother’s guilt of incest and child rape. Those do not have a statute of limitation in any state. So you both have a responsibility to get him thrown in prison.
Further, your parents - if still alive - would clearly be accomplices to these crimes.
ps: OP stated he had been adopted by his siblings’ blood parents, so technically I’m referring to the grandparents of OP as being complicit.
Oooh yes this would be good karma for them
While that might be so, the experience of going after one's rapist and accomplices--especially multiple family members--is an extremely taxing process that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.
It takes a lot of emotional maturity to understand all this, and I really hope a lot of pro-life people come across this post.
At the end of the day, you handled the truth well, and what matters is you and your mom have a better relationship. I imagine it was probably easier to talk about the ups and downs of being a young adult with a parent who isn't a whole generation apart from you.
I’m not the product of rape, but my mother did want an abortion (probably because she wasn’t ready for another child or because she hated my bio father so much). One of my grandmothers talked her out of it, but she was super drunk one night when I was 11 or 12 and she told me that she wished she had gotten the abortion.
She kicked me out and sent me to live with someone she knew was abusive. I was abused for several years, and she got sober and raised my younger brother. He thinks she’s the best mother, but she still makes me so anxious till this day.
We’ve kind of repaired our relationship, but she’s got some type of bipolar disorder. This makes her very unstable and unreliable. She only acts like a real mother whenever other people are around.
A few days ago I almost passed out at work and was having heart problems. She wouldn’t even consider leaving a coworkers grandsons baseball game to come drive me home. My grandfather had to leave my grandmother, who can’t walk around the house by herself, by herself so he could come get me.
My mother is selfish, mean, and just uncaring. She never should have had any children. Her relationship is so damaged with my sister that my sister wants nothing to do with her. She’s not a good mother.
There have been so many times when me and my siblings have talked about how none of our parents should have ever had kids.
She even allegedly had an abortion out of spite to get back at her first husband. She claims it was a miscarriage now, but I don’t believe her because she lies all the time. I almost wish she had the abortion because at least I wouldn’t have to go through all the mental and physical trauma that I have.
I would have preferred not to have been born.
I’m the product of a forced birth that was destructive to my birth mother. I’ll leave it at that. She admitted to me as one of her shameful secrets that she wished that she could have aborted me and I agreed with her and wished she could have too.
The relief that came over her when I released her from her burden and supported her was everything. You could see it physically and she cried with relief that she had felt so guilty & it was ok.
Forced birth people think that I should be grateful and they are surprised when I am the strongest of supporters for choice. My existence challenges and experience that I can stand firm on takes away a lot of the shame they use on the issue. I am one of those balls of cells that grew up and opposes their hurting women.
What do they expect? They destroyed my mother and ground her down. I oppose it.
One of my relatives is forced birth but she doesn’t realize that position causes women to abort babies that are wanted . How? Well an unmarried woman used to be ruined by a pregnancy so they had to abort. They would lose their jobs, families & community support. Now they can raise a child on their own terms.
My relative is one of those oops babies that was the product of an affair with a married man . She would have had to be aborted when women weren’t in control of their bodies. She doesn’t realize that & in her naive self righteousness she will never see that.
Honestly, I wouldn’t either, I was a complete accident, my parents were very poor and already had two children. I do know this, if, in this alternate reality where I was aborted, my mother had a happier and more fulfilling life, then I’d be fine with being aborted. I love her.
Your mother will never be “fine”, she may be dissociated sometimes from the abuse but never fine. bless her heart
You're right. She isn't homeless or drug addicted, she hasn't killed herself, but describing her as "fine" does ignore the mental (and physical) damage she still lives with.
Truly horrifying what some children have to go through. Thank you for bravely sharing your story.
I think that takes a lot of Humility and Courage to say. That was probably a hard thing to go through for your family but now that you are here make the best of it!
This abortion bill is causing some people to move away from Texas. Some people will find spouses in a different state and eventually have a kid together. If there was no abortion bill those people would have stayed, found different spouses in texas, and had different kids.
These potential kids from Texas will now no longer exist due to the abortion bill.
Even having a kid with the exact same person often gives wildly different kids. Like hell, you had sex at a different time of day, thats another potential person gone.
Theres billions of people on the planet, with a lot of sperm and a lot of eggs. Every minute is at least trillions of potential identities never coming into existence.
The most important reason that abortion needs to be kept safe and legal is this simple historical fact:
The world record for youngest mother is FIVE YEARS.
I think people often confuse "Pro Life" with "Anti Abortion" since most pro lifers are in reality anti abortion more then they're pro life.
Now when it comes to **MY** opinion. I believe abortion should have been done. She was too young, and because of your birth she now has a pain (physically) that will affect her for her entire life.
Abortion is a right. End of story
Another thing to consider is, there are children who \*might\* exist if their parents had access to abortion.
For example, rather than being born into a family (or a mother) who was too young or financially poorly off to look after it properly (or unwilling to because it was the result of a rape) the mother could have an abortion and then later choose to have a child when she is ready.
This would result in a better quality of life for the child she \*does\* have.
Happy to hear you mum and you're ok.
Your grandparents...I would never speak to them again. Or your uncle.
These pro lifers dont care about people like OP and their mothers that were abused and traumatised by being raped by family and having other family members protect the abuser and further victimize the poor girls. It isnt about the kids. These people dont actually care what OPs situation is or about the mother. Its about controlling them and their bodies. Full stop. They are ok with children who’ve been abused and raped having to carry and give birth to a child at 11yrs old or whatever age it happened to them. Its their fault for being abused I guess.
I wish these people would focus the effort they spend banning abortion to stop actual rapists and child abusers, maybe they would do some good in the world. The fact is a lot of abusers and rapists like this just get away with it.Nothing happens to them. A lot of times,victims arent even believed or they are shamed. Thats why a lot dont report and most rapists know their victims. We live in a horrible world where abortion is worse than rape to people. Thats the honest truth.
My mom almost decided to have an abortion instead of giving birth to me. I'm not upset. Obviously I wouldn't be upset if she'd gone through with it either. I still think pro lifers are full of shit and only care about forced birth.
Was completely expecting some Jack Nicholson stuff, anti-abortion because of the fear of never having been born. Your take was far better than that. It speaks of a very mature and thoughtful and mentally strong person. I wish you all the best.
Your origins may suck, but you just need to live the best life you can- though I bet somebody as mature as you already gets that.
It is so important for people to see this perspective, and I am deeply sorry for what you had to endure. Thank you for sharing your story so bravely and thank you for expressing your thoughts on this topic ♡
The amount of love and empathy you show towards your mother in this post is really beautiful.
Thank you for posting
Grab the popcorn, it’s time to sort by controversial.
Anytime someone brings up abortion bans, I tell them of all the calls I went on as a paramedic and how those children were treated ending with the time I pulled the burnt and bruised pieces of an infant out of a dryer because "he wouldn't stop crying."
I would rather a child be born into a loving family, than be forced into an abusive one.