Child free because of childhood trauma....
By - genx_meshugana
I am. I spend my whole childhood ar CPS because my sperm donor tried to get my mom behind bars for absolutely nothing while he was the abusive piece of shit.
But my first and foremost reason is that i just can't stand babies/toddlers. They drive me crazy
I'm really good with children 10 and up. Under that, not a chance.
I connect to this deeply. My parents were resentful and emotionally neglecting and verbally abusive. I saw two people who seemed to treat parenting like a burden.
Yep, I think it may be my biggest reason I'm childfree. My mom was definitely one of those women who had kids just because that's what women did. I never felt a close bond to her. She also neglected my sister and I when we were young. I'm glad I learned to fend for myself but it was tough watching my sister, cooking dinner, making my school lunch, doing laundry etc when I was so young, especially because I wasn't taught to do any of those except laundry. But really never having that bond made me feel like I may just not know how to. And I would never want to force any kids into a life where they are treated coldly or as a burden. I'm glad I have the self awareness my mom didn't.
My parents were emotionally and medically neglectful. Because of that I suffered a lot both mentally and physically unfortunately.
It's part of the reason why I'm childfree
I actually suspect my very large decline to kids has to do with my trauma of taking care of all my siblings. It very much feels like I already got to see the worst of children first hand and I am not interested. Even if they were “my own” kids are kids.
I went through the same thing, I'm actually still going through it. I resent my mother a lot for not planning ahead and getting a secure job. Everytime she needs money she runs to me first, like go ask your ex husband. I've also started to resent my dad too because he should be checking up on us and giving her money so he can provide for his kids. I guess that's hard to do when he has 2 other wives and another child.
Yup. Other kids were horrible to me as a child. I have no desire to relive that through a child of my own or possibly endure more of it at the hands of my own child.
Whether someone had an abusive childhood or not, any reason to be CF is a valid reason. "I just don't want children" is a perfectly adequate reason.
>no emotional connection to the idea of kids
Wow, I could never word this, but it is extremely true for me. I was an only child to abusive parents who never showed me affection. My mother even bragged how she never talked to me in the baby voice or coo at me or hold me (how a mom holds a baby) as a baby, thus stunting my attachment and emotional development. She set me up in my room after bringing me from hospital and left me there, unless feeding me, praising how I stopped crying in a few days and started to entertain myself with my hands and toys. I never cried for her, she just came when she thought I needed changing or feeding. I've recognized this behavior in babies in videos taken from '50s orphanages.
Many things happened down the line, but I think this being the first, set up the scene in how I relate to the world. I dreaded my childhood, my parents, school, peers, my life. I'm better now after much healing work, but this aspect never changed. I don't want to have children. I can't even see myself like that; and then I could add all the other reasons why it would be a bad idea for me.
Thank you for sharing this.
Definitely. For me it goes way deeper than just childhood trauma.
My grandma’s generation, men did the “right” thing and married you if they got you pregnant or your parents were able to find a man who would marry a single mother. My grandmother was sickly and when her husband left (he paid all her bills though), all her kids had to take care of her and the house. This is probably where my mom started resenting her mom.
During my mom’s generation, women tried to baby trap men for marriage but men stopped doing the “right” thing so women instead adapted and had kids anyways because he will at least give you money to pay bills to keep a roof over your kids’ head, take you grocery shopping so you can feed your kids, and you could use the threat you won’t be able to see your kids while you can use government assistance as well. Obviously, a bunch of hurt people.
My generation doesn’t believe in marriage and puts baby mamas on pedestals, if you can have a man’s baby, you are elite. Then on the same note degrades women for being single with kids.
My mom physically and emotionally abused us because her desire for kids came with conditions, she wanted to be married with kids not unmarried with kids. My mom is probably the most entitled person I have ever met in my life. I was the biggest burden ever because she had to change my diapers and feed me.
Children have been used as a pawn to keep families together, give people power over something and a source income (whether as a retirement plan or extra help in the future) since the dawn of time.
You’re absolutely right I don’t want kids, and childhood trauma is probably just the tip of the iceberg.
>I never had the feelings that you have especially when you're in your 20s of "this is tough, I wish I had my mom around" or "I haven't seen her in ___ I need to see her" or family gatherings, etc. I don't hate them, but I'm not connected to them.
This is exactly my experience. The more I hang around here, the more I realize I don't connect with kids probably because I may have been emotionally neglected. >.> It's a *huge* relief, though, to find other people who weren't outright beaten or name-called who have similar feelings about their parents.
>There are plenty of other reasons I'm CF - pursuing a career, traveling/military (ask me if that latter was a good idea 🙄)
No, no it's not. lol But I mean at least it means a debt-free college education, right? My husband and I both have advanced degrees and no debt, so it's something.
About 5 years ago I was bored scrolling FB and a friend posted an article about emotional neglect. The title caught my interest enough I clicked and read it. Needless to say I started bawling (which is extremely unlike me) it was like an awakening for me. I never knew what word(s) described my childhood until then.
And like you said, that I wasn't the only one that experienced it. My parents didn't beat or abuse me, no alcohol, sexual abuse, etc etc they were just..... Indifferent. They left me alone. It took many years to realize how much it stunted my emotional development and continues to mess me up.
Yeah the military was a benefit in a career way, but as far as bad environments, it was frying pan -> fire right there.
Oooh do you remember what the article was called? I'd be interested in reading it. This is a topic I've been thinking about a lot this year, particularly the past couple weeks after finishing my Masters. My parents never beat me, called me names, nothing like that, and *said* their love was unconditional, but tied morality to work ethic and expected nothing short of academic perfection. Perhaps their love was unconditional, but their affection didn't seem that way. They also expected me to behave like a miniature adult from a young age, effectively stripping me of the care-free young childhood years. Waiting on the VA to assign me a therapist, but in the meantime I'm interested in looking for articles that help me describe my situation. And also maybe tips on nurturing my inner-child. >_> Because my parents sure as hell aren't going to do it for me.
My mum did not want to be a mother and was convinced into it by my dad, who passed away when I was very young. My mum ended up being saddled with two kids she never wanted and made no secret of that fact. She was affectionate and caring but more out a sense of duty and responsibility. I love my mum but I always wish I had known her as a friend rather than a mother because I grew up knowing that I was not wanted and I was her burden. The older I became, the more I could empathise with her and now I know I'm childfree, like how my mum actually wanted to be.
I often wonder this - my parents had kids and always say how easy/great it was, but they worked full-time and pursued their hobbies and careers, we were in childcare every holiday and I spent all my teen years just playing Runescape or going into town on my own. I got bullied and left out at school. My parents basically had the perfect childfree life.....but with children lol. When I met my husband, I was quite shocked/resentful at how different his family are - they basically sacrificed everything for their kids, spent every weekend driving them everywhere so they could pursue their hobbies, etc. They are super close now and contact each other about 200 times a day in their family Whatsapp group, whereas I only see or speak to my family out of obligation. If they never called me or said "when are you coming to see us?", I would probably never call them or see them.
It made me realise what I'd missed out on, and made me realise that if you do want to be a parent then THAT is the kind of parenting you should aim for - if you're sacrificing nothing and living your best life while farming your kids out to childcare and leaving them to it, you're doing it wrong. Too many people are having kids that are just not suitable for it, and it's not fair on the kid. Unfortunately I am not willing to sacrifice anything about my current life, so no kids for me!
Yes, I've been aware I don't feel connected to my family ever since 14, I only saw them as bosses to my "job" of being successful in their eyes. I never missed them, I felt relief avoiding them. I didn't feel anything giving hugs or saying "I love you", which I knew was a lie, but I was required to say it. It only solidified further when drama and emotional abuse occurred, that I never want to see them again.
Yup grew up raising my siblings since I was 8. Started giving my mother money since I was 13 because she is unemployed. They're such a burden to me I don't understand why anyone would want to willingly suffer to feed some kids. Also my siblings are autistic so they need extra help.
I don't like kids - at all. I learnt early on (personal experience etal) that they are used and abused by their parents and society in general for a myriad of shitty, narcissistic crappy ideals.
My parents (and later some of my feral sisters) were the best birth control I could ever as for.