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I almost instantly go off a potential date if they say sexual things while just casually messaging. I am just a prude and boring or are others like me?

I almost instantly go off a potential date if they say sexual things while just casually messaging. I am just a prude and boring or are others like me?

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raccLunatics

This just happened to me and when I said why don’t we get to know each other he said that sex was the best way when I didn’t agree he acted like something was wrong with me !


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heavykick89

Is a neckbeard so bad? I will go shave it as soon as possible, lol.


MechanicGreen

My boyfriend used to have a neck beard... yeah it’s pretty bad


heavykick89

Well not that long, just with the beard Short like barelyl growing. Anyway, I'd better shave it to be sure and take the advice of women.


perplenurple666

Lol smh


bacon_and_ovaries

Use the beard to accentuate your chin and jawline. Keep it off the neck though if you can


minyanko

The beard itself is usually fine! I love a good beard. it’s when you don’t shape it and don’t take care of it that it gets dicey 😬


BritishViking_

This, as a guy with a beard it's fine to have a beard I will always maintain it, I love my beard But one needs to actually take care of it, groom it, comb it. I saw a dude once say he doesn't even use shampoo and conditioner.... and he wonders why his face looked like an arse.


minyanko

😨😨😨😨😨 Like. . . Just nothing at all?


[deleted]

Why is your username complaintrapevictim?


balletgirl7770113

Compliant? Even worse.


Equivalent_Oven

Well, on the bright side that makes it clear he's not worth your time right? I do like innuendo, sexual jokes and comments, but only after I got to know someone (and if they also like that, of course). If you don't, that's fine, and doesn't make you boring or a prude. We're all different.


Fast_North_44

Nothings wrong with you. That guy had no respect and was most likely gaslighting you


Sagestuns

Gaslighting


Hirnfick

Manipulative it is. Gaslighting it isn't.


iamkaradanvers

This is common sense in how to weed out and ensure the dates you are going on match your values. Nothing wrong with having criteria, you can’t go on a date with everyone on dating apps


zukord

And I think matching values is the key point here - it's not wrong to want it either way, but you won't be happy if you're with someone of the opposite mindset.


Aegaeum

Exactly


WhatAreYouSaying777

Ha! Tell that to the allllll the people shitting on the other way.


victimofimperialism

Yet people get so mad when you have standards that they don’t fit in. It’s not meant to be personal. No one can date everyone they match on an app.


swfl_inhabitant

Agree with this, if you’re not an openly sexual person I wouldn’t click, just depends what you’re looking for


Dahjeeemmg

You can be an “openly sexual” person without wanting your conversation with strangers to be about sex, I think.


abstractdenial

Freak in the sheets, lady in the streets!


Zixel1

I think it depends is it just flirting or straight phrases about sex.


0_BlueMoon_0

Yeahh man, but come on, why guys want to go sexual after 2 minutes of conversation? That's not being openly sexual, just slutty. If I'm looking for a relationship I look for the whole package - talking and sharing secrets like best friends, cuddling and relaxing together, and, yes - long, long, sex.


Frediinho

27, M. I have a very, very simple rule for this... let her go there first. I can say with wholehearted honesty that I never once in my time dating brought up the topic of sex first.


Bath

Yeah, I agree with this. At least for anything overt. This rule 100000% applies to sexting. Never ask a girl for nudes, unless you've previously established that through the relationship dynamic.


cloudnymphe

I think it’s fine to ask for nudes after you already have a sexual relationship where sending and receiving nudes is part of the dynamic. But yeah, otherwise it’s almost always best to wait for them to bring it up first or offer nudes (if you’ve already have an established sexual relationship with the person) and hope that the other person wants to send them in return.


Bath

Yeah sorry I meant to say this. If you've previously established it then that's different. But pretty much every time I received nudes it was because the conversation was already turning sexual and she decided to send them. I don't send any nudes unless the girl does it first or explicitly asks. I'll fix my comment.


thepontiff_

Same man, if she initiates then I will follow otherwise I’m chillin.


dmolin96

what are you all doing on a dating subreddit? I thought all the good men were taken and we gotta comb through the leftover pervs


OpinionatedIMO

Even the good men are ‘pervs’. 😉 Some of us just recognize that being discreet about our desires in the beginning allows the lady to acclimate if/when she is ready. You’d be hard pressed to find any guy that wasn’t concerned with making sure ‘that’ was at least part of her intimate vocabulary (because it’s not a priority for a lot of women) but some guys are just too impatient and blurt it out in the open first. The unfortunate result of that is, even if they are well rounded and seek a woman for much more than just sex, bringing it up too early puts a stigma on it being the ONLY thing they care about. For many of us, we legitimately want a sharing, loving, well rounded relationship but ‘that’ is non negotiable.


minyanko

I personally have no problem with perving. If I have an established relationship with someone then perv allllll you want. I’m all yours. I don’t mind it when someone wants to talk about it. Talk all you want. Sexual compatibility is important. But don’t call me a bitch for not wanting to sleep with you when I barely know you and you won’t keep your dick in your pants. If they’re willing to wait for me to get comfortable being sexual I’ll do whatever they want. But it’s that waiting period that people seem to have an issue with. I’m not about to drop my pants for someone who isn’t willing to put any effort into our relationship outside of the bedroom. I want to be able to exist with you in a non-sexual context before we go there.


OpinionatedIMO

Agreed. I was just trying to point out that even the sincere guys want sex (too), but the smart man realizes that there is a time and place for that (and it’s not before the lady is comfortable and feels connected with him).


honwave

This is the best thing I can relate to as well.


cmonti7

Real question - I am a 32F with a healthy sex drive and I’ve discussed this pretty openly with my group of girlfriends and they seem to be the same way too. I get so frustrated when guys get overly sexual when messaging on the dating app (I mean this specifically when you haven’t met in person yet) - so I get frustrated because my thought is: this is common sense buddy! Sexual compatibility is important / good sex is important / sex is a part of dating and any romantic relationship / etc. Since physical attraction & chemistry can’t be determined until you’re in person meeting - I find it so unbearably pointless to discuss anything sexual BEFORE you meet. Ok that’s convoluted I know but my question is this - have y’all (straight single men on dating apps) ACTUALLY encountered fellow single women who DONT find sex important or interesting - and so that makes you (not necessarily YOU, but some men in general) feel panicked and “blurt” it out too early and ruin the dialogue before anything can develop? I’m really asking here.


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Bumblebee_zr2

You said it best! Same... three months later after dating -tons of fine dining and fun times and hanging out at her place and mine.. just a few kisses on the way out the door-nothing much.. she initiates that next weekend we can maybe hang out all night at her place and she tells me that she’ll maybe lift up her dress ( my cue to come from behind I believe) .. all good, right? Next morning I send a flirty pic of my waist up out of the shower - she freaks out! ‘I’ve changed!!!’ she tells me. Obviously not compatible , I canceled our first /only night planned together . Don’t need another 3 months wondering about someone or someone telling me I’m a weirdo because I was thinking about her and wanted to share myself somewhat intimately. I called her, listened to her, and let her know I was uncomfortable continuing. Oh well.., good luck to all..


OpinionatedIMO

Replying to your last question first. Most men on dating apps were in relationships prior to this new hunt for a mate. A large percentage of those prior relationships ended because of tapered off sexual connection or intimate compatibility. (So they come into this quest with a renewed sense of what is important to them and they still remember the ‘famine’ that lead up to it. What if having a guy with an incredible sense of humor was of paramount importance to you, and yet for an indeterminate amount of time, guys preferred to be discreet about that until they felt comfortable opening up and being zany, silly, or highbrow. All because they want to wait until they have a better connection with you, to understand your unique sense of humor. I realize that’s not even close to a parallel example or analogy, but hopefully it at least conveys the sense of entering into potential relationships with no clarity if this important trait is represented or not in the person you are interfacing with. It’s impatience, pure and simple. My earlier point was that not all guys who go there too soon ONLY want sex. Some want the whole kit and kabootle but ‘that’ is high up on their checklist. I certainly understand discretion and the desire to know a person and feel a strong connection BEFORE revealing that you have a healthy libido (while in a committed relationship). Those inpatient people want it too much to wait and see if you do and I totally get why that’s a turn off. I was just saying that doesn’t automatically mean they ONLY want sex. They are just too fixated on making sure that’s part of the deal for their own good. Of course without a doubt, there are some who ONLY want that. It’s ironic that both parties could possibly be happy with each other if only she could share with him that the potential is there IF she develops a strong connection with him, and he’d try to be more patient and wait and see.


travelingjay

I’ve met many women who find the sexual component of a healthy relationship to be far less important to them than it is to me. That’s fine for those who feel that way, but if we can’t be open and matter of fact about sex or sexuality, it’s not a relationship that will work for me.


Bumblebee_zr2

Yes I did have that exact experience in 3/5 girls I’ve met. For instance, My friend who is interested in me point blank told me that ‘.. when you get older you really don’t have sex anymore ...’. I’m 51m, my guess is she’s a bit older and been alone and is like my ex, sex once a yr or every six weeks or never in her case. Typical white girl in my opinion vs any of the mixed girls I’ve dated (2).. My ex even looked up articles to prove her point that ‘older ppl don’t have sex’ ... Frustrating! Sorry if my generalization doesn’t apply to ‘you’, I know there are some out there. So maybe some of the guys want to weed out the girls that also find sex to be useless-pointless-not for older ppl. It’s hard to know what another person is like without kicking the tires a little. I truly appreciate previous comments I’ve read-great thoughts and you do not fit with my above comments. Sincerely!


heavykick89

That broke my hearth lady. There is plenty of us good men not taken, just chilling in our caves since the pandemic pushed us to home office, lol.


larakj

Not your hearth!


KindCephalopod

It's a nice evocative image though.


Wuhwuhwipeout

Maybe he just dropped his laptop on the fireplace.


nature_nate_17

That’s how I feel about women tbh lmao I can’t seem to find anyone that will go on just a simple date, picnic, or trail.


mac-n-cats

I hope you realize that very many women would say no to all of those ideas (at least for the first few dates), not because they're cheap or lazy or anything, but because those dates tend to be in more secluded areas where they fear for their safety


KitKatCookie9

Same. I love walks. But one time a guy asked me for a walk on a first date. He seemed super nice guy, so I was like, ha walks are nice, I love walks. We ended up on a secluded/deserted area and suddenly he said something along the lines of "What if I tell you... that what I'm about to do next will have you calling the police." NEVER AGAIN. It's not being "cheap". It's because I want to enjoy the date and getting to know someone without keep thinking at the back of my head "Oh god why are we going here, there is nobody, is dark, is he going to attack me?". Which is not romantic at all.


hgfcbj

What happened after he said that??


Lavley

oh god I hope you got out of there safely! :((


pixiedust93

Can confirm. I agreed to a walk in a heavily wooded park with a guy I didn't know very well. I was young, stupid, and lucky he was a good guy. I did bring a knife in my purse, but realistically that wouldn't have done anything. Never doing that again, my anxiety was sky high.


Dr_JillBiden

Movie snacks, then movie, then a dinner, then a walk somewhere pretty. That's my favourite safe date. Else a quick coffee and cake in a cafe. Nice public places with food as an icebreaker/distraction. Never booze on a first date. (Disclaimer, married and not in the dating scene anymore)


FizzleMateriel

>(Disclaimer, married and not in the dating scene anymore) *Looks up.* Username checks out?


oatmealtuesday

I think I speak for a lot of women when I say I would immediately say no to any sort of hiking date, probably a picnic as well unless it's in some scrappy patch of a park in massively dense part of a city (lots of people around). I can't trust that a man I've only chatted with virtually (even video chat) isn't going to assault or murder me. Ask for dinner dates or cafe dates in crowded areas. Intimate/isolated dates are a privilege you earn upon building trust.


honwave

That would be such a great way to go on first date.


call_it_sleep

Thank you, we appreciate it!


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dctindergirl

that’s so different since in person there’s usually a mutual vibe/you can ease in, whereas over text it’s either you do it or don’t. and for the record - don’t.


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livaudais

Not a woman here, but I’m terrible at reading signals and apparently not very good at giving them either. It made dating a really nerve wracking experience when I was younger: feeling like it was up to me to make all the moves but also never feeling sure if that’s what the other person wanted me to do. It’s an exercise in opening yourself up to rejection while trying to figure out how to not internalize it too much. So now, when I’d like to kiss someone I’m on a date with, I just straight up ask if I can kiss them, or say something like: “hey, I’d really like to kiss you right now.” I always go into thinking to myself: If they’re not feeling it right now, cool. If they are, even cooler. A lot of people can just kind of feel it out between themselves, but this communicative approach works better for me. For me the number one dating advice I’ve ever received was: “first figure out how be honest with yourself about who you are and what you want out of a relationship, then figure out how to honestly express that to someone else”.


dont-forget-to-smile

This is so well said. I’m glad you found out what works for you!! 😊


PaisleyMint

Having someone say 'id really like to kiss you now' is pretty fucking hot if you're interested in them.


GDAWG13007

She gets close to you. If you’re literally face to face, she wants you to kiss her 99.9% of the time. She’s looking at you in this smiley lovey way. She may play with her hair. She’s probably touching you a bit too. She might be leaning on you as well. She’ll look at your lips a bit too. She may bite her bottom lip sometimes. Sometimes she’ll step forward into your space, which is usually a huge sign of her putting herself out there to be kissed. The key is actually to NOT think about it. FEEL. Out of your head and into your body and you will feel that energy and instinct telling you when it’s appropriate to do so. These signals are ingrained into our DNA. You know these signals and you know what to do. You have to let yourself feel those things.


Frediinho

Showing affection is different to trying to sexualise a conversation. The truth is, I don’t need to think about it much. I can just sort of read the cues, and I’ve yet to get it wrong. If you pay attention to a woman, you can usually suss how she’s feeling about the mood/connection... most people just overthink this stuff.


GDAWG13007

Seriously. It’s in our DNA. The whole process of bonding and connection and sexuality and that whole dance between two people is ingrained into us. Get out of your head and into your body. Connect with another person’s energy and you’ll almost always know what to do.


Frediinho

I’ve literally said I just know what to do. I’m lucky enough to be able to read social cues, and I’ve never had any issues.


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morbid-tales

That's always something I used to struggle with. As a man it just never really felt natural to bring up sex first. Glad I know this seems to be the general consensus among a lot of guys.


tamescartha

You are a wonderful human!


milos1212

Tried this technique a few times. Once I started flirting back they blocked/ghosted me. Its really hit or miss tbh


YourMateBaggers

I'm going to respectfully disagree. I think the reason that we've even got to this point is that us men are, on the whole, bad at reading cues and context. Then you add the ambiguity of the text format and it's a disaster waiting to happen. The only way people learn is by trying and it might take a couple of times of misreading cues, getting the timing wrong and cack-handedly flirting before the right signals can be read. And as someone who has recently found the swing of how to approach this, I can tell you that shooting your shot and having it reciprocated is infinitely more satisfying (to me) than being the one to reciprocate the first move. It's obviously not going to work for everyone, but I implore all men to try and be both the one that initiates the flirting while still being utterly and completely respectful to every woman. Edit: to clarify, I'm here referring to cheeky flirting (which I would class as still 'the topic of sex'), but I realise that OPs post is probably more aimed at the kind of guy who would message "ayy bb u hot u wan sum fuk"


Frediinho

Mmmhm. You’ve widened the scope of what I was talking about. I was more speaking in reference to overt sexualising of the convo. When I say I wait for her to ‘go there’, I mean I’m waiting for the cues/signals... it doesn’t have to be an explicit statement of intent. I guess I’m just fortunate in that reading these signals has never been an issue for me.


YourMateBaggers

Ahhh, that's fair enough. I read your comment as needing full explicit intent - apologies!


Dithyrab

holy shit that last sentence really turned me on and i'm not even gay!


minyanko

Out of curiosity, how do you they think they justify sending pictures after being explicitly told no nudes? Like I’m genuinely wondering where the thought process comes from. With this one guy it didn’t matter how many times I moved his hands off my boobs or turned my head so he’d kiss my cheek instead. Didn’t matter if I told him I just wanted to sit with him and watch a show. He always went back to what he wanted to do. He can’t just sit on the couch with me and be happy existing in the same space. Didn’t matter if I told him no or to quit. No matter how snippy i got or how quiet I went he would go right back to it.


thexenixx

I love that you think there's that much thinking going on.


minyanko

I mean. . . I guess part of me is also trying to convince myself there’s a reason besides I may just have terrible taste in chatting partners 😬 But mainly I just wanna know what posseses someone to do that.


thexenixx

Yeah, yeah there's a reason. It's just not a consequence of rational, conscious thinking.


Whateveridontkare

you kick them out of the house, thats what I do. Or run away depends where u are


funky_worms

this is the only way to do it lol. i love when a guy never brings it up, like damn. it takes all the fun out of dating


dunktheball

only problem there is some women may never go there unless the man does first. lol.


DirtyPiss

That rule is just for messaging; IRL is a different story.


jejcicodjntbyifid3

Naw it still applies. I've brought girls over before watching a movie and never made a move. Some of them got kinda pissy about it as the night was over They want to be kissed and have the moves made. But that 80% kissing rule from Hitch is what applies here


dmolin96

Hitch is that unicorn romcom that is actually a positive influence lol


Dragonlicker69

Mostly, I hated the ending.


DirtyPiss

> They want to be kissed and have the moves made. I think you might be misunderstanding me, if the rule still applied the man would never initiate. What I said is don't turn messaging sexual before they do, but IRL is different- which is why those girls got pissy at you for not making a move.


BigGreen1769

I hate this about dating. Why do I have be one to break the ice sexually? I'm afraid of scaring her off so I would rather play it safe as long as I can.


jejcicodjntbyifid3

Ah okay I see what you're saying and I agree. Tread carefully online to not be creepy, but be bold in real life


i_see_you_too_

Omg yes this. I exchanged a couple messages with someone and he asked me immediately "are you really kinky? I bet you are" I was like "Ummm what makes you say that?" and he was like "I can just tell from your pictures" (I have kind of an alt style so I guess that's what he was referring to???). I was immediately put off. Like, I don't want to be with someone who is just immediately sexualizing me. Like you can think I'm hot, but like I don't trust you at all yet, why would you think I'd be comfortable going there so soon???? Idk I'm very sex positive (I love sex!) but read the room!


canvasshoes2

Exactly! That's the thing, if men just have a leeeetle bit of patience and use common sense, good timing, and the right kind of sexy talk, they would likely be in like Flynn. But so many guys, it's two texts in and they're all "great tits..." Gee, thanks. So clinical and impersonal. I mean, as weird as it sounds, saying stuff like that is almost the opposite of sex.


darya42

For me, flirting sexually via messages /phone only becomes acceptable until after we had sex. Before that, I want to try it out in real life to see if that's something we'll end up doing at all.


shineon_fuckoff

I never like going on a first date where there is already the pressure or an assumption that something will happen. I've found over the years that the guys who initiate conversations like that, are usually pretty bad in bed anyways.


HomemadeMacAndCheese

Totally agree. It's soooo awkward to have some guy tell you the things he wants to do with you in the bedroom when you haven't even had sex yet!


minyanko

It’s almost never subtle either. It’s always something that sounds super painful. I don’t want my pussy destroyed 😭😭😭


secretactorian

Even if I did, there’s a whole lot of non-sexy talks about consent, negotiations, limits, and setting of safe words before any bit of flesh should be pummeled.


Dr_JillBiden

This, maybe I want sensual passionate sex, not whatever the fuck some creeper just thumped out on the keyboard.


usertaken_BS

Tell us what Joe really does to you


Dave_Duif

Wholeheartedly agree.


CarnivorousHamster

I think I'm going to adopt this idea. The last two guys I dated after talking intimately pretty quickly ended up being sexually aggressive and/or having big problems surrounding sex. I just entered the dating scene again after a toxic relationship and I only now see the pattern :')


Kittydacatt

I agree


skepticalG

Same here


Kellienm

I agree. I’m an extremely sexual person but ONLY with the person I am comfortable with and trust. If I’m your gf? No limits! However when men start this off right away I’ll pull away. Makes me very uncomfortable and feel like I need to perform for them to like me.


minyanko

Omg yes. Gotta build that trust first!


twistedtowel

It’s interesting you say it makes you pressured to perform. I would never have guessed that from my perspective but can kinda see that (if ur comfortable id be curious to hear why). I’m still unsure how to romance effectively, i’m too awkward with the transition (covid hasn’t helped my practicing). I feel like there is (probably) a skill in communicating (suble sexual) interest but in a vague way that’s classier or is a metaphor or imagery. My approach is going to be excercise and being funny until i figure that part out.


Kellienm

Basically if someone is overly sexual I feel like they are expecting or want me to be sexual in return; aka send back sexual texts, or if we meet in person, be touchy or sexually flirty. It takes me a lot to get comfortable enough to be that way with someone, I feel awkward and weird doing it with someone I don’t know. Thus if someone I am not intimately in connection with (this includes emotionally!) them saying this stuff makes me feel like I’m not on the same page yet and they will judge me or drop me if I don’t start being sexual back. Makes me feel forced to go faster than I’m comfortable with. For example one guy on a second date had me to his house and was cuddling me and wanted me to sleep over. I didn’t even know him enough to cuddle so I laid their awkwardly and he said he wished I was more affectionate and intimate. I am incredibly affectionate, but come on dude, I’ve known you for 6 hours max. ): I had to break it off after that because he wanted sleepovers and I wasn’t even comfortable enough for a kiss and felt like if I were to hang with him he’d want way more than I was ready to give.


ThreesACompany

What if you spent 2 weeks on the phone texting or calling them before meeting? Would you feel that’s enough time to get to know a person to feel more comfortable? I only ask because I went on a first date with an incredible woman after spending two weeks talking to her literally all day. She asked to spend the night with me even though it was our first time meeting each other. But I’m not sure if that’s normal or not


Kellienm

Me, personally no. I’ve made a mistake of talking to someone for a while, getting overly attached, and then upon meeting him having no in-person sexual attraction. He was basically head over heels for me at that point and I didn’t feel it. To me, I have to meet up pretty early in the process to make sure the physical attraction is there in person. However, if it had been, who knows. I also have went out for drinks with a guy for the first time and was kissing and dancing with him that night. It depends on the person (both ways!) If the girl was down, she felt comfortable with you and then in person, felt the attraction. That’s GREAT!


GothicAssassin

Speak sis ^^


Bearz34

Gay guy here, mid 20s. I fully agree with you. I prefer to meet in public rather quickly since I am busy and want to judge someone and establish a connection. Since I am busy, I don’t want to play games or spend time on people who aren’t serious. Mentioning sex before or on the first date signifies that the person I’m seeing might not be as serious as I previously hoped. As part of this unspoken rule, I try to limit myself and my profile and avoid putting forth anything overtly sexual. Extra points for guys who engage in platonic cuddling on the first one or two dates.


rippedteabag

Same bro, 22y here. In the end it always comes down to how you vibe on a personal level. Sex is gonna happen no matter what, so to focus the first stage of meeting someone on such an unimportant thing is really strange. Sex and beauty are a bonus to a wonderful person, not the thing that makes said person wonderful. Tho from the little experience I have with dating, that way of seeing and meeting is not as common in the age group/ community we're in. (eng. second language)


AlaskaDark

I (M28) think I'm on your side with this one. I have more interest in getting to know a woman on a personal level and if we're enjoying each other's company/personality then let the sexual tension develop naturally.


kimberleekee

I completely agree! Immediately jumping into sexual talk when first messaging or talking with someone is such a turn off. I don’t even know you. Don’t make me feel like I’m nothing but a piece of meat that you’re drooling over.


candlelitsky

This is so true, in my experience it's always the second message.


the_littlest_ella

When I was dating this was basically a rule of mine. Drop them if they get that way, because unfortunately it seemed really common that so many guys would start getting sexual before even meeting for a date. I wasn't looking just for casual, of they can't respect me enough to just figure out other and frankly more interesting things to talk about then I'm no longer wasting my time on them. You aren't a prude. You just know what you want. Or what you don't want. If you're looking for a serious relationship, then I think getting sexual too quick simply highlights their agenda and that it doesn't match with yours.


graceCAadieu

Nope, I’ll unmatch/stop talking in a heartbeat. A guy the other day told me he liked to jerk off and watch tv before bed. Sir, I don’t need to know that. I never once implied in our 10 minutes of talking anything sexual. He just went there for no reason.


stargazer2595

I’m like this. I’d rather get to know the person than what’s in his pants 🤷‍♀️


biotex3

I (26M) got a text from a girl I met online saying she was into foreskins before even going on a first date. Pretty sure she threw that out there because I'm not from an ethnic background that practices circumcisions. I had clearly stated in my bio that I was looking for something serious so I felt fetishized and a bit creeped out from that text. We did not go on a date.


cameherefrominsta

That was creepy tbh. Who tf even says stuff like that ewww


Upinmybuttt

people who collect foreskins obviously


cameherefrominsta

Lol


oscarmike1987

This is the kind of vibe I got from her comment!


jejcicodjntbyifid3

I'll try anything once!


Kittydacatt

That’s VERY creepy and objectifying. Gross.


FinallyLooking

Thank you for sharing this! I just wish men understood that women get these kinds of things all the time.


biotex3

I have female friends that have showed me their online dating profiles before. It blows my mind how many men lack situational awareness online. It's also unfortunate for us men who are looking for something serious and get generalized into the "all men want is sex" category and not taken seriously. Age and experience in relationships is a big factor that affects this, but no matter who you are there's no excuse not to treat the other person with respect whether you're on your first or 1000th match.


canvasshoes2

Here's the thing though. We get that men want sex. That part is not the problem. It's natural, normal, and quite okay that men want sex. The problem comes when men (those who do act like this, not all do of course) act like starving mongrels turned loose on a pile of steaks or something regarding sex. It's not that they want sex (ummm newflash, so do we!). It's not even that it's a little bit first and foremost. It's the manner in which they want sex that's the problem. That is: with such impatience, such a lack of interest in who the woman even is, the lack of any finesse, no thought of the woman (except as a means to an end), just a cold clinical view of us as orgasm receiver. That's what's a turn off.


FinallyLooking

Fully agreed! If you're so jaded and frustrated that you can't exercise a little common restraint and respect, maybe it's time to hold back for a bit. Work on yourself before trying to meet people. As a woman, I get tired of comments that go to sex within the first three exchanges. But I'm also going to give each person the benefit of the doubt when we first connect. However, I used to let the comments slide once or twice. Now, if guy doesn't have enough self-awareness to avoid the topic for the first 10 minutes of conversation, I'm just done.


GDAWG13007

We do actually. Every one of us knows this. Some just don’t care or have any empathy.


VioletPringle

I absolutely agree. Sex talk puts me off so quickly. When flirting, explicit talk about sex or body shape, or unwarranted touching is a major turn off. Flirting should be the secret and knowing smiles, the interest in the other person's personality, the engagement when listening, the laughter and fun. Funnily, the men who are subtle and create that slow, simmering sexual desire you talk about are great in bed. Coincidence? 😄


Its_da_boys

This. Those secret and knowing smiles are the bread and butter of good chemistry.


zardkween

Once sex is mentioned, I’m done. In my experience, the guys who just want a hookup bring up sex too fast. It’s not what I’m looking for and it makes me very uncomfortable. Especially when we’ve never met before! I also went on a date that I thought went really well and texted him a thank you/we should go out again when I got home. He responded talking about my body and what he wanted to do to me the next time he saw me. Noooopppee. I just blocked him. I was so disgusted. His profile also said “looking for a serious relationship” 🤢


coyavenue

I didn’t even get the obligatory I had a fun evening message. Oh no, instead I received: I can’t stop thinking about your sexy body. Like damn, was I talking to myself they entire time?!


Atanion

OMG that is so creepy. And it doesn't make any sense either.


[deleted]

Yes! The amount of times this has happened! :/


Monarc73

Not a prude, you just have appropriate boundaries.


Annoyedwithitall1197

It’s a red flag to me if they bring up sex too soon like before we even meet!


elgrn1

This is the same for me. I hate it when men are too familiar, make crude comments, ask for photos constantly, comment on my boobs all the time, and my least favourite asking for my bra size. Of course I want someone to be attracted to me, but I'm not my body or a series of holes for them to put their dick into. Treat me like a person and take an interest in all the things that make me me. Or receive a lengthy note about your lack of respect and a block.


Evening_Feedback7471

This


crying-partyof1

I consider myself to be a very sexual person, but men have called me a prude because I didn’t like that they mentioned sex within the first hour of a date. Really? If you do go there, they will also think you’re easy if you reveal how sexual you actually are. There’s no winning. I much prefer men who move slowly and read the room better


alianaoxenfree

Yeah If someone wants my attention they have to talk to me like I’m human, and I’m going to be more than just a hookup. And honestly it’s been few and far between. And most of them have started off nice asking something about me or whatever, then within a week or two it’s been asking for nudes and trying to sext and I’m just like nahh, I’m not interested in that. I want someone who I can talk to about whatever, I don’t always have to be competing with other women, and who I can count on to (I know it sounds corny) stimulate my mind too. Because I’m a a working mom. I just sometimes wanna hear corny jokes and talk about the articles I read that day and not constantly be feeling like i have to meet some crazy sexual standard for dating these days. I want to find someone who can be my best friend and my partner and it’s just not going to be someone who constantly makes every conversation sexual in nature.


Igster72

49M. I’ve always believed the woman should make the first move regardless of how many dates. A gentleman never oversteps his bounds.


TeamCatsandDnD

I’ll discuss it with them, but I’m not particularly interested in it. However, I also don’t want to have sex before marriage and many people are not on the same page in that regards. When the topic does come up, I make that clear because that’s a huge thing for me. Partly faith, partly peace of mind in regards to STDs, unwanted pregnancy risk, and not having to deal with birth control side effects.


Atanion

Even as an atheist, I think it's smart. I don't know if I'll personally wait till marriage, but there is wisdom in waiting for at least a few months to get to know someone as a person first.


SolelyCurious

>I think it's because it makes me feel like my sexuality is all I have of value or interest to them. That's how a decent amount of men feel. When they do this, accept it as the red flag it is and move on


anberia

I am now like you after having learned (finally) that once you start sexting, it’s nearly impossible to get the relationship to shift to the type where you step back to evaluate and get to know the whole person apart from libido. I feel like us women shift easily but guys get locked in to the superficial. And then they’re just dumb and boring.


fayy_san

I don't ever bring up sex when I am talking to someone I am genuinely interested in.


Louder-pickles

I completely agree and you're not alone... it's not about being prudish, IMHO it's mor about our society and how they have eroded relationships and degraded people to be expendable pieces of flesh... I'm way more sexually open after I've gotten to truly know someone. Comfort builds confidence.


[deleted]

This is true, online dating and things like porn and onlyfans have unfortunately made many people quick to objectify and have devalued love and romance and courting someone.


sibandaud

One guy id gone on two dates with and hadn’t even HUGGED messaged me detailed descriptions about his favorite things to do in bed. I dropped that MF so fast. Worst part is that he was someone I knew briefly from college and reconnected with in the adult world but at least now I can laugh about him to my friends.


Agitated_Hamster_825

When I was single and used online apps, anytime the conversation turned sexual I would immediately stop messaging them. If we had plans already made I would tell them I’m no longer interested. I found I just don’t have time for that nonsense, like I understand that I am an attractive woman- doesn’t mean I want absolutely every conversation to revolve around my look or what you want to do to my body 🤦🏻‍♀️


Brilliant-Mistake-11

Pretty rude for a first encounter, at least for most women.


topitoff1999

Im a female and I do the same thing. If you’re actually looking for a real connection, one doesn’t do this. If I’m in a relationship with someone, it can be fun to flirt that way but only once a relationship and trust is established.


thatspookybitch

If it's something that comes up organically, I usually just state my boundaries. It isn't an automatic deal breaker for me. But if they then ignore those boundaries, I'm out. One guy I was talking to from tinder brought up that he was a very physically affectionate person, but he knows not everyone is, so he wanted to check in to make sure he never made me uncomfortable. That lead to a super respectful discussion about how we were pretty compatible when it came to physical love languages and drive. A different dude just randomly asked my favorite position out of the blue. I told him I'd like to actually meet before getting into the nitty gritty of our sex lives, but he didn't respect that and was promptly blocked. But the important thing is what you are comfortable with.


Lola013121

I honestly think you are doing the right thing. This is what works for you. We all have different dealbreakers and you’re not wrong for wanting to save the sexual stuff until you feel ready. My experience is a bit different. Im 27 now and I used to do the same thing. I’d weed out all the guys who would talk about sex too early. Because of that I am a late bloomer when it comes to sexuality. My most recent ex bf was a different story though. When we met I instantly felt an attraction to him and thought, I’m young and single so why not experiment? This led to us sexting, I’d send him nudes and we had sex not long after we started dating. I thought he wouldn’t take me seriously because of this but I was wrong. He was the one who wanted us to be exclusive and we didn’t just have sex. We would stay up all night smoking weed and talking. Everything just felt right for the both of us. The point of what I’m saying is that just because a guy talks about sex, doesn’t mean that’s all he’s after. When two people are attracted to each other, naturally sexual feelings do linger. It’s okay to be sexual if that’s what you want and it’s okay to wait until you feel more comfortable. It’s all up to you. :)


Jollydancer

Same here. If they start talking about sex I know that they are not interested in me as a person but in my body type and what I can do for them (rather: what they imagine I can do for them).


cameherefrominsta

I think women would relate to this more.. like u mentioned. Also, there was this one time this guy was a childhood crush and we got talking online after a long long time.. I still had butterflies talking to him.. went on one date .. 2-3 days later.. he says something sexual... Complete turn off.. I regret officially ruining my childhood crush lol.. it was special till that very time


james-c-m-kim

Yeah, I pretty much never do that. Especially not with someone that I haven't been intimate with. It just feels weird, to be so sexually suggestive, with a total stranger that you haven't met and don't even know how they look, smell, and feel like. Just... ugh.


BlakeHeathman

It’s just unattractive behavior. It makes people seem bad at dating when they do that. And also, you don’t like it. You don’t have to date people whose behavior you don’t like, who you aren’t excited to meet. When I was OLD I never met anyone in person if they made awkward sexual comments that killed my attraction to them. Everything worked out great for me. I recommend this path.


aards

As a woman, it’s a huge red flag for me on how the rest of the conversations will go if I’ve been sexualized early on from a guy. If I wanted a hookup, it would be obvious. Nothing will get me to unmatch faster Lol edit for spelling


Its_da_boys

I’m a guy and I can totally relate to the underlying sexual tension idea (and the whole romance attitude as well). Saying overtly sexual stuff right off the bat like that is just trashy and ruins any buildup or suspense. When sex is always an understated possibility lingering in the back of your mind expressed through prolonged eye contact, smirks here and there, suggestive but vague language, etc it becomes so much more exciting. When people take their time to allow that chemistry to build in a much deeper level, the payoff (not just sex but the narrative and the two of you together) is so much more satisfying and substantial I’ve never heard any other guy I talk to express these sentiments so I was starting to think I’m just weird, but i guess I’m more of the romantic/poetic type lol


telegrafony

I'm a guy and i feel uncomfortable when a girl tries to get naughty with me on Omegle and i just skip her. I don't know what it is, but girls that are overly-sexual, I'm not attracted to. I'm looking for intellectual, genuine conversations, not sex. Why everything gotta be bout sex


dcmcrae

Be you. That's the short answer. It's reasonable to want the other person to have an interest into you other than your physique. Some men are just too horny and poorly raised. Be you and follow your heart. You are in no way a prude.


Hinata778

It’s the same for me. I was seeing this dude, he was subtly Hinting at first about sexual stuff. Then he got comfortable which made me extremely uncomfortable. I’m not orthodox or anything but if someone is trying to check waters with me I take this as a red flag. When he asked me for 2nd date I told him it won’t work between us he made me extremely uncomfortable.


shipsAreWeird123

I don't like super explicit messages, but I like it when people smoothly up the sexual energy. I don't like initiating things, but I enjoy playful banter and flirtation.


6ihavespoken9

31 Male here. I used to do this that when I was younger. As I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I prefer what you just described, it’s changed a lot about how I approach things and I think for the better. But it also speaks more to my goals as well. When I was younger I wasn’t necessarily seeking long term (although I knew it was eventually my goal). As an Old I want something meaningful and to build a partnership.


karen_h

Same. I nip it in the bud by saying "look, I love sex. I love everything about it, and I will gladly talk Day and night about it. But if we have nothing in common beyond that - I'm not interested." Redirected. I don't even flirt until I've met them in person. What's the point? If I wanted to talk to people about the sex we weren't having, I'd put in a land line and charge $2.99 a minute.


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Yeah or anytime really before you actually have sex. Flirting is cool just not full on sexual or comments on ass or tits or that kind of thing


TedW14

Only low class guys do this. Your instincts are correct. The modern world is so much more trashy than just a few years before. I blame dating apps.


4200years

Nah, people were always trashy.


Irishleo83

I’m the same & I also feel that way if anything sexual is said on the first date. I’ve always been called a prude tho lol


SnoopysAdviser

It's not just you, but also these guys are doing this for good reasons. A lot of men are looking for an easy lay. Not all of us, but it seems like most on OLD. If you reciprocate the sexy talk, they will try to meet up quickly, put it in you, then never talk to you again. Protect yourself, unless bad sex is what you want.


GDAWG13007

Ironically they’re going about it totally the wrong way if they want an easy lay.


krab_rangoonz

Yeah it’s so superficial and objectifying. I may have a second thought if he’s REALLY cute, but even then I hate being a fetish for somebody. Like when were you last screened for STI’s? Is your bedroom even clean?


BU33LE5

Every guy I have chatted to on OLD who immediately turned to sex talk turned out to ... you guessed it .... just want sex. When they realised I wasn’t playing that game boom they ghosted. Now if the messaging turns sexual, I give them one warning I’m not for that, if they ignore that they are unmatched. Doesn’t make you a prude I feel, I’m in no way a prude, but I’m after more than just casual.


Its_not_a_t00mah

I agree. I find it as they don't have a decent personality, that they can't keep you engaged in a meaningful conversation. As I read from someone else, after sex is a completely different story. But before that it bored me. Any guy (or girl) can talk about sex. Nothing special.


UncleStumpy78

In my dating life I generally let woman take the lead. It doesn't mean I don't flirt a bit, but I have always had enough female friends in my life that would get annoyed when guys guy sexual too soon, so I learned from then


1v1menoob

No. I feel the same way. I unmatch them or just get rid of them if I’m talking to them on other social media. I’m a 25F and literally a turn off when guys just immediately start saying sexual things. I would rather someone establish their intentions first


Komiatmebro

28f here, and I feel you; I hate when they start the sexual shit when just starting to communicate. I much prefer to get to know someone first.


MaxAxiom

I think when someone does that, they're offering a pretty good barometer of their desires, if not their expectations. Many, many people expect that type of signaling. However, for the record, dating in your 30's is complete and utter bullshit. It's a fucking minefield of baggage and god-awful passionless phony(s) looking to nest because they either want to offload their baggage, or they can't stand their own company. Dating apps make it worse by exploiting the experience for profit.


chrisbarf

Tbf I had a girl cut me off after a few dates because I never said anything sexual about her. I don’t think you should NEVER make a sexual comment, because relationships do become sexual after a certain time and communicating whether or not one person is ready is important.


CaptainFungiNails

I am like this and I completely understand what you wrote OP. I am a male (25yo) and I do believe it is pretty uncommon for a guy. I quickly said this to my current partner (24F)... she initially thought it was weird but actually got to appreciate it and we took our time. Been dating for a year now, and it is amazing. Unrelated to this post, we live in different cities and I am not sure it will work post-covid (we have been studying/WFH together for several months now).


VoyeurBear2020

As a male, I would never say sexually charged things to a stranger. I love the seduction. A friend of mine explained the other side of this. He said if you ask 100 women for sex, and 5 agree. You are 5 ahead than if you don't proposition any. Not my thing


Sttocs

Perfectly fine to want a connection first. It’d be worse if you were inauthenticly leading with sex when you weren’t comfortable doing so. Unmatch the arm-twisters, reply to the civilized ones.


TheWrexSaysShepard

It depends on how it's done. If he just sends you a dick pic or says he wants to bend you over, then you are justified. But after a few exchanges and he gives a mild inneuendo to see where you stand with this, especially a one off, then not so much.


CatsDownHere

Depends on the app. If you're on Tinder getting this kind of stuff, it's the App, not the clients. You may be sending the wrong signals. Look at your profile and review it for flaws. Are you coming across as a sexual person? Do you have something low cut in your photos? Are you using a lot of "clever" emojis? It may be your messaging without you even realizing it.


youaretooradtobesad

I’m the kinda person who does have sex on the first date, even if there isn’t too much of a connection. But that said, if they bring up sex talk prior to meeting or a phone call chat I am turned off right away. Although I am obviously down for hookups, I don’t appreciate the assumption and objectification before we even get to meet.


BigGaggy222

I'm a male and I agree 100% with you, I like to do 3-4 dates before slowly starting to escalate physical intimacy (hold hands, kiss, hugs, make out...) I did have a date tell me she thought I was "non sexual" because I didn't start sexualising everything first date.... Everyone is different I guess.


MyrrhieO

I have done the same. Cut them loose. Nobody has time for that bs. The right one will naturally behave the right way.


blackhart452

I've felt like this for decades now. Sometimes I take things too slow for some women and they ask me what's wrong. I just say I need to really have string feelings for you before we go there. They then ask if they aren't beautiful enough for me. I tell them no you are very beautiful I just like building a relationship first before I jump in to bed with you.


sooperdooperboi

I think it’s fair to say if the topic of sex is brought up very early in a date situation it’s a very pressing concern for the other person, i.e. they’re looking for sex, not a relationship. There’s nothing wrong with people dating for sex, though I think the onus is on them to be upfront that they’re not looking for anything serious. I guess it depends on how sex is brought up, but broadly speaking, once someone has made their intentions clear and they’re incompatible with yours it’s a good idea to point that out and move on. I think it may be fair to just tell them upfront how you feel about sex in the context of dating, and if they accept and respect it there’s no reason you can’t go on with the date. But if they don’t accept it or don’t seem sincere, you’re also not under any obligation to stay. A lot really depends on what you want from a date. You’re not a prude just for not liking when someone brings up sex so soon, but even if you were it’s ok to be a prude so long as it’s you’re making decisions for yourself and not others. Don’t feel like there’s a right or wrong response, just be clear and honest with them, and that on its own is a great way to filter out unworthy partners.


Background_Mulberry

On my Tinder profile I have, "I will drip sex and lust on you like chocolate syrup on icecream." But not every match reads my bio. So I start all conversations with, "did you read my bio?"


Negative-Zucchini455

No I totally get where you’re coming from there. Someone making sexual advances that quick-before you’ve even really met up (If it’s online dating) it just makes it seem like they only want sex and not an emotional connection. It’s like, do you even want to get to know more about me? Or you just want in my pants?


1itiswhatitis

Yes also hate the awkward sexting before we’ve had sex. I don’t need you overselling and under delivering 😂


Windtherapy88

Agreed. Let the ladies lead the sex talk and see where it goes. But, if it’s taking too long then men need to try the sex talk. If she’s not into it then everyone moves on. No harm no foul.


VANANH2020

That's not "boring" or "prude". That's being wise and choosing better for yourself. I agree with that. I would prefer that too. I think that tension and genuine interest in me as a person and in close friendship instead of making inappropriate comments and gestures are more romantic anyways. It also says a lot about their maturity. (Yes, I said friendship. I think lovers are close friends)