T O P

The GTA Online Update we're all waiting for...

The GTA Online Update we're all waiting for...

SufficientRecord3402

Is this how you MAKE your next GTAO character?


Spyans

This is how you unlock the 3rd character option but you have to start off as a child


ProBluecheese21

I’d be down, robbing houses or pickpocketing pedestrians and stuff until you get to a certain level or complete enough missions.


sh4d0wm4n2018

I want this mod now.


SlimC05

Why wait for a mod? Do it now.


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SlimC05

Pickpocketing is free >!as long as you don’t get caught!<


sh4d0wm4n2018

I meant to go through gtav as a child. Sorta like Oliver Twist.


SlimC05

I know what you mean and I stand by my words. Go to the local mall, and rob dudes.


sh4d0wm4n2018

I'm basically doing that to get the stone hatchet $$ already lol


sam_smajlik

They cant add children to GTA. Once someone made a mod that added children to the game and rockstar games got sued for it.


ultralord4000

You could just play bully


Fearchar

It's similar to why there are no schools, only ULSA.


drlqnr

and you have to go to school


lukoreta

Sounds like an opportunity for a next-gen Bully game


Zackerooney123

Rockstar didn’t make any child character models so it’s just 30 jimmys and traceys in a session


nikolai2960

Gonna be a tough childhood growing up in a city with literally 0 other children


t-payne16

That idea is just nuts, Would take some balls to pull a heist like that off! When is it cumming? Will it even. I'm so stroked! I mean stoked


t-payne16

Pavel won't be the only seaman around once this hits


t-payne16

How much fun will it be? LOADS


Peak_Idiocy

Hope nothing is faked


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OpathicaNAE

You know, I'm about tired of your shit Demetri. Put 'em up. edit; I didn't mean it. Baby come back.


th3netw0rk

The tryhards will be pounding this one for years to come


igotbNned

the funniest thread in reddit history


613s-Finest

Ejaculation


OfficialMufflee

Masterbation?


t-payne16

No breathing! SHIT! Wrong song


sh4d0wm4n2018

It's the right song if you're into necrophilia though.


Dahwaann4U

You want caviar in the tin, ill give you caviar in the tin


Nutwagon-SUPREME

I want the elastic off the underwear if ya catch my drift


Dahwaann4U

*thump* you *thump* are *thump* the *thump*...**CAPTATEN!** *Aughhahuayahh*


loitesayba

pretty sure it’ll take a lot of balls.....


yycluke

It's coming. It's almost here. Oh God! Oh wait.. False alarm.


xHyper_Space

Giggity


SorryScratch2755

"drinking the profits"💦


613s-Finest

Bro please buy yourself some ice cream, that was next level punnery


t-payne16

Deal, but only because you pulled my leg just hard enough


Gunslinging_Gamer

Not interested. Reckon the whole place would be full of wa%&ers.


kingmm624

>I’m so stroked! I bet you are


t-payne16

*heavy breathing*


opiate46

I gots mine! I busted a nut!


Matthew-Zuniga

Take your upvote and get the fuck out lmao


chrisxfield

*It’s time to raise the stakes even higher than ever before. You’ve saved the world from an egomaniacal tech billionaire. You’ve beaten the odds to drain a casino of its cash. Robbed every single penny from a paranoid psychotic druglord. This time, you’re taking on a corporate sperm bank.* *It’s up to you to find a way to breach the Sperm Bank of America, one of the most secure private spermbanks in the entire world, evade or neutralize the heavily armed security forces stationed there, and escape with valuable sperm vials belonging to politicians, druglords, celebrities, rare animals, and even an old mentally unstable man with borderline personality disorder.* *Choose your tools. Choose your approach. Choose your crew – or even go it entirely alone. Just make it back alive with those sperm vials intact.* *The Sperm Bank Heist is the biggest GTA Online adventure ever, introducing an all-new exotic Heist location, with a brand-new approach to Heist design that features the ability to play everything solo or with up to three other players.*


TheThemePark

That would be an uncomfortable heist to play with others...


Meneer_haas

"I got the cum, RUNN"


chrisxfield

Running too fast can damage the contents of the sperm vials. so u not only need to avoid getting hit, but also run at a moderate pace


SorryScratch2755

Skoal!🍻


ArasakaParty

This is somehow better than the original post.


just_gimme_anwsers

I assume we plan this off an oil rig?


_Sasquat_

lol, Agent 14 mentions capybara semen during the Prison Break heist. So it should be that.


_____wanker_____

In all my years I’ve been playing GTA Online and I wasn’t aware of that line when tf does he say that


ZeOnewiththeBuquette

It's in one of the prison break heist missions, I believe the one where you steal a plane from the Vagos.


sirgrimthesacred

Market for capybara semen is l u c r a t i v e


jellyfish_bitchslap

Holy shit I can read it with his voice.


t-payne16

So like on a scale of cocaine to Amazon how lucrative? Also good memory on the quote, good stuff


DinoShinigami

I remember him saying the biggest attraction with selling the semen is that the punishment is a slap on the wrist compared to smuggling guns or drugs.


RavenWolffe77

You say that like Cocaine is *less* lucrative than Amazon... Have you seen the amount of *BANK* the Cartels make?


t-payne16

But is the peso worth anything let's be honest here... Jk no your right. They have bank. I just meant cocaine not cocaine handled by the cartel. They're business tactics are a little more aggressive than uh most things...


RavenWolffe77

So are Amazon's XD


Toasty-Wyvern

GTA Online players can join payday 2 players in waiting for the sperm bank heist


MothThatLuvsLamps

Ooh a food themed update! Now we'll be able to hold more snacks for healing!


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sh4d0wm4n2018

It heals more health if you are a woman


BigBeefySquidward

And gives you the effects of bull shark if you're a man


ASithLord66

That's one way for rockstar to fuck the community again *ba dum tis*


t-payne16

Holy shit, who remembers glory hole theme park ads from San andreas


TheThemePark

I feel strangely violated...


t-payne16

Username check outs ✔️


CreatureWarrior

You get an extra $1M if you manage to loot all the porn magazines in time


wasp_sting

Sounds like a good reason to bring Jezz Torrent from Vice City out of retirement - perhaps a groupie wanting to acquire rock god seed?


ClessedMC

*jizz torrent


[deleted]

Why......why is it being poured into a cup? Who the fuck are we heisting this for?


chrisxfield

thoroughbred horse semen is the world's most expensive liquid. Depending on the stallion, horse semen is one of the most expensive liquids on the planet. A gallon of it is worth 4.7 million Sounds like a good reason for a heist. Of course, we're assuming this sperm bank contains semen belonging to rare/exotic animals, which is a perfectly logical assumption to make given that we have flying bikes and cars. ​ Another reason for a heist would be that maybe the buyer wants us to steal the semen of a billionaire so that they can produce a child, which then makes them eligible to inherit the fortune of the billionaire.


SorryScratch2755

insert mom joke here______.


Epicgaming4204

It would be funny if they did something like this for april fools


DarkbladeR89

I can hear Lester screaming, "Get the goop! GET THE GOOP!!!"


wasp_sting

"Tap A rapidly to collect faster..."


DarkbladeR89

Camera is from behind too ;)


wasp_sting

But of course haha


yermawzbaws

Agatha Baker is now a playable character...


sunderplunder

You mean all this time I could've made bank? I've been pumping vats worth of cum during the lockdown! My efforts have all gone down the drainage....


ProBluecheese21

You can only donate so often, but yes, very much wastage has occurred.


Monkiller587

Yup , same as plasma , you can only donate so much . And they don’t pay that much too usually . Like , the local lab in my city offers like $80 bucks I believe ? After your second donation . Also even if I had the courage to donate sperm , I don’t think I would like having the thought that some random person has a child of mine somewhere in the world .


Sybekhide

I remember there is a film about guy that donated sperm and Had 500 kids


FirstReign

Why can't I buy the strip club. I'd love that as a biker business.


sh4d0wm4n2018

Because Trevor would fight you for it obviously lol


Zackerooney123

The end of the heist is like Cayo Perico where you’re drinking shots with Mini Madrazo except this time it’s not tequila you’re drinking


TheThemePark

Well, there IS a shot called Blowjob.


Zackerooney123

Cumshot


TheThemePark

That would be the GTA name of it, yeah.


Kris_the_kidd

Plot twist: we sell it to Trevor


SorryScratch2755

Trevor uses it to make meth.


musicman3030

Has anyone made a Brucie joke yet?


Thatguy0313

Well, when you've robbed every other bank in Los Santos


flavafabes

Hopefully there will be a pearl necklace


Miofwin

Damn you just made all the MkII griefers thirsty, bro.


SorryScratch2755

they are insatiable


Reddit-Masterz

The forbidden heist


Thatguywhoplaysgta

Imagine stealing a milk tanker to use for the finale to store all the goods


___Pigeon___

During special events there’s like special sperm. Like one week it’s like alien cum week and it’s like worth 2x the usual


RubenTheSkrub

You squeeze it, we freeze it


-Istura-

You wank it, we bank it...


TheThemePark

You chuck it, we lock it


American_Jhony

The hell did i just stumble upon


SSJkakarrot

The spank bank heist


mkolj97

Sprunk everywhere


TheThemePark

Quick Spunk stop.


jonathansarfraz2

GTA 6 is never Cumming


TheThemePark

We'll all be grinding this heist all day, every day. (I seriously want this to happen now, this idea is comedy gold xD)


illiterateboii

It would be typical to have a mission to steal a calebrities jizz


mr_bugas

No joke this idea could be legit let me give you an example Someone Rich and influencial has donated their sperm and some Rich contractor wants to have a kid from the seed of said Rich and influencial person So naturally they call up lester and lester calls up you (the player) to perform the heist (this idea is goofy please dont take this seriously)


RelativelyDank

it's goofy but also why the fuck not? sure robbing an island is a pretty new idea but how many games could have a sperm heist and actually... pull it off?


t-payne16

Just a thought but in Scarface: the world is yours you could sell your semen, after your...balls....meter was full. At max respect it was like 10k a cup which in the 80s is like heist money probably nowadays


SorryScratch2755

yank,twist,pull.


ProBluecheese21

When you scope out you the different primary targets they should be different kinds of people’s seed. Politicians, lawyers, musicians, etc.


sh4d0wm4n2018

Optional heist: Steal the donation of prominent DJ and radio show host Lazlow Jones. Somebody wants to have this man's child, right?


wasp_sting

Could be a prize winning race horse they're after - for Madrazzo etc. Edit: price to prize!


SorryScratch2755

Lester uses his instead.💰


Erva420

This is cursed


KaiserAsztec

I don't even have to rob it 😎


Sybekhide

It's not about the amount, it's about the wuality


KaiserAsztec

I have rare Gigachad quality


BigBeefySquidward

Cant wait to sell my cum business 🤩


synfel

seems like the capibara´s stock is on the rise


nien_nuts

The plot is that Lester infertile now and his girlfriend from the casino heist wants a child. You need to get the right specimen for their perfect child


TimesNewLogan

It all starts when Trevor makes an unauthorized deposit, and needs you to dump his spunk before they can use it to identify him.


Monkiller587

On actual thought tho , like how much would we be able to sell sperm for ? Like lmao is it even valuable ?


Sensitive_Mistake726

Heist prep: Fridge


Brujah77

You all failed if you think this would be for GTA and NOT Saints Row...I mean come on Saints Row had a Dildo Bat.


squirreliron

Mfw Istura on hot.


-Istura-

😎


xackwiththemap

Huh....no words just huh


VRS38

I'll get my turkey baster ready 😆


TheThemePark

Same here. After this heist, we shall all be master basters.


Tight-Smell4761

Would be easy for the female characters


Obliterated1

Gonna have to save up for a Sperm Whale Card....


thall5775

Why do I want this


SkyLLin3

Good idea! Lets call Lester molester and tell him about it


Midsking

I better be able to use my bombuska, that thing can easily fit 50 barrels in the cargo bay. I bet El Rubio would pay top dollar for Americum.


AlphaRaccoon1474

Cum Theft Auto Online


Current_Present_8017

That's gonna be the new feature for characters...


Impossible_Scarcity9

Idk. A heist for inventory snacks seems a bit excessive.


TheThemePark

I remember seeing a movie a while ago about just such a heist. Based on that, this can only go wrong.


Legofan2007

Million dollars in cum


agentwolfie

Earlier today I filled up some travel bottles w shampoo conditioner and soap and it looked exactly like the two panels on the left


IamGoatHead

This is actually really good but why is there a Left For Dead 2 charger in the middle of my screen?


Napalm_Death1989

Nah, but let's hope we don't get space shit or unrealistic vehicles.id love to see them add inan stealth fighter jet


ManufacturerGold2610

can someone help me get joggers in gta ? Lmfaoo


CptnWolfe

This bank only has Yoghurt


blyoungblood0

A vault under the shoe store


OG-Bradley-D

Only one man can be the mastermind behind this heist , Tony Prince aka Gay Tony


slater_J

i would do this if it was andrew garfields sperm


fucknametakenrules

The heist all cargo griefers need. Chug all the cum for their lifeless playstyle


hopbyte

Mods will suck at it because they’ll be too busy drinking on the job.


Tempest-Stormbreaker

Isn’t this basically an illustration of one of the top oats on r/Paydaytheheist?


B_vegas15

You’ll get $$$ if you donate


true_beast

Watch as they add that and it pays like 5 billion to each person for a crew of 4 and easier then the cayo to do


true_beast

What property would you need for it


Pollito404Mike

Man this post and comment section make me wanna life forever Haven’t had a laugh this good since weeks.


Poeticpolitics85

🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂😂💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀


Slyonix_

What the actual fuck


dat_wartogether

But why though?


Epic_Mustache

I imagine the story could be that Ursela (minor character in story mode) wants to have a baby, but San Andreas sperm bank has a psych evaluation for potential mothers, so the gta protagonist is her only chance to have a baby.


Pedding

There's a pool of white on the bottom right, but sperm banks can't just mix the sperm of multiple donors. So who the fuck...?


IceA450

More like, HAND Theft Auto! Ba dum tssss!


NTNIO

The Balldrainer 3000 is now available for purchase on Warstock.


therealnigerman9890

Boyle oil


Downunderworldlian

Finally a heist where you can literally drink the profits.


FLYING-TRICYCLE

Wtf


SnooDoubts2153

we?


connor4rell

are you telling me the only reward for the next heist is a snack


TheThemePark

A very specific snack. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spunk_(candy)


KamosKamerus

Cum


jacksontheehee

lester needs to drink the nut to reverse his crippled body


virginfatherof2

Cum on, cockstar won’t add that


Joh02

Coukd also be Robbing the blood bank


Spe37Pla

That’s not nearly as funny


jep-thats-me

You have to drink it too hide it from the gaurds quick


ChanceMutiny

Yum


FipplesDippless

i feel we need to have a motorsport update. build your own racing team, design your own livery using social club. or helmet or overalls. it would be so fun. if GTA 6 will have online they should add an actual race track to the map just for the feature of having your own team, either having missions from a certain character in story mode or just for races. it would be so cool


iH8kPewp

What exactly would you loot from sperm bank? Semen to drink??


Mr401blunts

I would like to see them expand on the BMX / action sports. Like what if they added in some real tricks. Even if it's just a few. Maybe a "Superman Seat Grab". Or it would be cool to have real "Grinding". Other cool things would be like some more innovative water races / parts. Like maybe a waterslide piece? Always hoping to see "Winter Sports" like Snowmobiles show up in a GTA. Waited so long for Jetskis when i was a kid. Thought they would be in Vice City, but nope they where in the "Stories" version i think tho? Havnt played it. With Red Dead Redemption II and the Amazing Snow Physics they opened with. Snowmobiles very well could be in the next, similar to Red Dead Redemption and its many Biom locations. We could see this happening again in GTA VI.


Kwbaka

Hosted by TPI


MayhemTheRed

I have very powerful swim swims.


distoria85

This, but with a tie in to earn cumrocket (Cummies) Crypto coin IRL. would be sick.


grantyells

You must go recover Lester's sperm that he uhh donated.


PHILIPTNT

Yes