Errr... Okay? 💷
By - Anxious_Dare_1486
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$10,000,000 and I can buy houses here and in Italy
I'll move after 50 years to Australia and die in peace
*snail gets on a ferry
"Hey honey, we're moving a bit earlier!"
*sad snail noises
Little did you know he just wanted a friend and was unaware he would kill you…
We can be pen pals
Ah, snail mail, a long lost art.
God dammit. I laughed way too hard at that.
Take my upvote and be gone!
You'll definitely die in Australia. Lot deadlier things out there than weird murder snails
like the government, for one
Though the same, just buy a house on the other side of the earth from where you are and another one somewhere far away, and even build a laser sistem to detect anything small 1km arround.
edit: if you flatten the terrain you can just put regular lasers (by regular I mean "commercial" lasers, like the ones on the vending machines) arrange them on the shape of a square arround the house and an alarm sistem that every time anything cut's them it tells you. Also, i'm not talking about a 5 meters laser wall, just like 10 cm above the floor. It shouldn't be that expensive.
The only way for the snail to avoid that would be jumping from a plane directly on the roof of the house, but if I'm playing against such skilled snail then the challenge is as hard as going against Jhon Wick, which is something I'm not doing XD
You dont know where the snail is when you start. How do you know youre running away from it and not towards it?
If I happen to move in the range of the snail I'll take the L, fate just didn't want me alive.
One often meets his destiny on the path he takes to avoid it.
It doesnt say the snail cant be caught or how inteligent the snail is. What stops me from using my new found money to pay someone $1000 to put the snail in several metal boxes and burying it 10 feet underground?
To be extra safe, take it to a remote location in a separate continent first
Overkill. Install a security cam in his underground box so you don't get anxious. Build extra safeguards just in case.
Imagine looking on the camera one day and the snail is gone…😳
It would definitely happen. This feels like one of those "but our prison is impossible to escape!" moments. You gotta do the bare minimum to assert dominance over faith.
If the snail is unkillable, just put it in a concrete slab. It might be alive but he won’t be going anywhere.
At that point, I might as well just create my own SCP Foundation to contain this motherfucker.
You have the money, what is stopping you?
Nah $10m doesn’t go that far these days.
Edit: [For anyone curious about the costs associated with building a prison, let alone staffing and upkeep](https://oig.justice.gov/reports/BOP/a0232/final.pdf)
>The estimated cost to build an institution varies between $98 million and $162 million,
depending upon the level of security required, capacity, and other _site specific factors.__
I'd recon that _site specific_ factors does not take immortal slug into account.
At that point it would be better to put it in a safe full of concrete which is the placed in another safe in concrete and the thrown into the marina trench by the time that snail gets out of there I would have lived long enough. Btw love that this brought up years after Gavin made the idea up
Somebody should write this creepypasta.
And spending your whole life looking over your shoulder wondering if that snail is going to be there.
Edit: Disregard, I fucked up and thought it was 10 billion, not million. My idea is wayyy too expensive for that.
Uber-Overkill: Construct an underground bunker complex with many layers of incredibly thick steel doors that can only be accessed via a very long underground elevator that also has sealing steel doors. Put snail in titanium box at the very end of said bunker. Bury bunker and tons of concrete and then make a small hill over top to camouflage it.
I imagine it would probably cost a couple billion, but it's a small price for piece of mind and you can easily live a super comfy life with what's left.
Put a circle of salt around it
It says the snail can’t be killed but I’m surprised it took so long to get to this.
I assume it would still really really hurt it. I wouldn’t go over a circle of paper cuts.
Ok but why not fill the titanium box with salt. Really fuck it up. Make sure its like is agony.
Because then you'll just make it *angry.*
That said, this is a slightly watered-down version of an old writing prompt, which I think had the additional caveat that the snail also can't be stopped, delayed, or bargained with. Here though, you could win with a piece of Tupperware and some duct tape.
Yep. According to google a snail travels at 0.03mph, so it would take around 1 million hours, or around 115 years to travel half the circumference of the earth, so you're good assuming it doesn't know how to hitch a ride
I was thinking about paying someone to fly it to Australia, but if it’s only purpose is to find me, who’s to say it couldn’t fly back towards me?
I think I’d send it to Australia in a locked safe and then barely bury it, but etched on would be a note not to open it until my birthday in 2090 or something like that. I live out my life, hopefully once I’m dead the snail can live out it’s live in Australia. Maybe it’ll like it
Oh man a time capsule from 2021! Wonder what's in it!!?
*Immortal murder snail*
No one will open a time capsule buried near the poop festival that was 2020
You've also got the bonus that Australia had the strictest custom laws in the world so if customs finds that snail on the way in, that thing is being heat treated.
Or better yet! It'll be returned to sender!
The safest thing would be to keep it so you know it's status. Buy a heavy ass safe, weld it shut, and put that safe in a bigger safe in the basement.
Launch it into space with your money
Can you afford that with only $10 mill?
Fuck I’m old. No one in this thread knows about the original snail post.
Weird. I was waiting for the top comment or two to be links to that old thread. This tweet is pretty much an exact copy, no? it may have originated elsewhere
it is an exact copy, there is no original material on the internet
Works every time
Oh you're weird! And good! I like!
Edit - I see a fair bit of shit here for me saying "you're weird" - it was just a figure of speech I used in reference to so many metal boxes when there are easier solutions, like terrariums 🤷♂️
Well im definitely weird lol
Or, as others have pointed out - put the fucker in a box - he's not super-strength. Just knows where you are 🤷♂️🤣
If I help the snail kill, do I get money?
Err - is the snail sentient enough to barter a deal? 🤔🤷♂️
Say I just pick the snail up and bring it to them and touch it to their face, do I get the money? Will the snail begin stalking me if I take the money?
Ahhh, but you can't touch the snail, else you'll die
Oh, but you could wear gloves...
if a snail that kills people by touching them was out there it would be caught long before it reaches me
Didn't say that touching the snail was uniformly fatal, only that it would kill the recipient of the money
If the snail knows where the recipient is at all times and cannot die and kills with a mere touch, it obviously has some eldritch powers so it's not unexpected that that it would only kill the recipient of the money.
The snail has no use for money. Only death...
Also fill the hole with concrete
A small fresh water spring, previously unknown, has been making its way through your yard for the last year or so. Slowly the boxes containing the snail lose integrity. Late one stormy night you feel a heavy raindrop on your neck. NOT A RAINDROP!!!!
Is it Shia Labouf??!
You can cryo freeze a body for ~35k a year. I imagine you could negotiate a significantly cheaper rate to freeze a snail, even cheaper if you mention that you don't care about cellular viability upon unfreezing.
more expensive, but also more peace of mind.
I mean, the snail would eventually die if buried. I was thinking of putting a box over it while I sleep or chill but let it follow me while I do my thing. It's a snail so it would never catch me, right?
I’d worry about accidentally stepping on the mf
The version I heard was that the snail.is indestructible and immortal. I mean why not right?
$1000? Are you really going to go cheap on outsourcing for this one?
I thought $1000 to bury a snail seemed very reasonable lol
I can cope with living with a murderous snail in a Tupperware pot...
Motherfucker solved the whole thing.
*25 years later a loved one asks them to grab a container for their food. Without thinking they grab THE Tupperware, and a finger slips in after removing the lid. In that moment they feel something cold and slimy. However, It's not as cold as the chill that goes up their spine as they realize what just happen-*
“Finger slips in” my favorite part
I'm sure there's a r/rule34 about this somewhere.... Very NSFW sub, for the uninitiated.
I went on controversial, and the second post was a woman crushing the twin towers with her tits. 10/10.
Don't you mean 9/11?
Cool I didn't need to see any of that but I did. TIHI.
I probably wouldnt keep it among the other tupperwares
Fine, a mason jar and I'll DAD tighten the lid...
Or! Just bury the tupperwear! I mean, it’s not biodegradable, plus rocks to keep the lid on!
But then it’s out of sight, every time you see a snail you’ll have to worry if that’s THE snail or just a random one. Because you can never be %100 sure it didn’t escape after you bury it and can no longer see it.
Yeah.... yer gonna wanna go with some duct tape on that one first if you wanna keep that seal.
Put it in epoxy like that guy did with a hot dog! Then you can put it on display in your mansion and make it watch you enjoy what it bought you.
Y’all are braver than me. I’m leaving all my belongings behind and moving to Hawaii. Snail can’t get to an island.
Unless it catches a flight!
Ever heard of a sea snail?
Living 25 years with 10 million dollars is better than living 45 years with poverty.
dude just. tie it to a block of concrete and throw it in the ocean?
Seriously a better a story ideas than Sharknado or snakes on a plane!
Snails on a Plane
I'd head to somewhere like Hawaii with some volcano scientist gear and scoop up a big dollop of lava. Like about 20-30 lbs of it. Then I'd take my snail-in-a-terrarium and encase it in the center of the lava. I'd let it cool, then submerge the whole thing in molten steel till that cooled. Then I'd take it to a glacier, where there are cracks that descend 2-3km down and dump the whole mess into one. If that little fucker can get out of that to come find me, he's earned his right to kill me.
I feel that someone this is how snails get super powers.
I'd... just move to another country.
not a glacier, there are boreholes that look for oil up to over 10 km deep, and you dont have to worry about the ice melting
10 km is 6.21 miles
Glacier isn't a very good long-term strategy these days.
Full of salt
But remember it can’t be killed
That's what you get. Make an example so all other snails know to not try anything stupid too
But now you have just made it mad.
I honestly thought this thread would be nothing but ‘decoy snail’.
How quickly we forget
Matter of fact, I’m almost certain that the tweet was ripped off by the thread.
That is then encased in concrete and buried ten feet deep under my new house
under your house? i'd make sure it's buried somewhere on the other side of the world
The ocean is FULL of salt, gg snail.
make him play any competitive game... he couldnt move from all the salt
Then put that tupperware in a safe
Put that safe in another safe
Weld it shut
Drop into the ocean
Damn came to say this. Take my upvote, you clever bastard
But wait! it was a decoy snail.
What nobody seems to be mentioning is that you cannot possibly know *which* snail it is. It might be coming at you from 100 miles away, or it could be the one you saw in your backyard this morning.
Point being, anyone who took the money would *absolutely* develop a menacing phobia of snails.
Or maybe just an *avoidance* of snails? Don't touch or kill?
Sure, but are you going to spend life as a millionaire locked up in an airtight condo? Doesn't sound too fun either. But whenever you *do* go outside, even seeing a snail must be quite disturbing.
Kinda, I *guess*...
But when am I _ever_ going to be slower than a snail??
Ergo, I just move away from the snail!
You will be slower then a snail while you sleep.
I sleep on my new private jet
Edit: never mind those things are ridiculously expensive. I’ll just pay for snail security
You open a door, snail was on top of it and falls onto you. Ded.
Do you know how little is $10M :) it will run out quickly if you will rent out jet every night (do you know even prices of business jets )?
Every time you sleep. Every time you sit down. It’s intelligent. If bugs can get in your house, so can a super intelligent snail. It could even be waiting on your door handle waiting for you to touch it. House door, car door, the grocery store you go to on Sunday. It could hide in the fur of your pet to get inside.
Edit: okay, guys. You can check the other replies, I see it doesn’t mention super intelligence now, I confused it with a separate post.
Is this a normal snail or like a freaky fast snail
A freaky fast?! Teenage Mutant Ninja Mollusc?! I live 😂
I would be terrified
The TMNT were terrifying enough
I remember my buddy was 8 and they had characters dressed up as the turtles at his birthday party but it was the knock off version so it was so creepy we ran away from them
Freaky fast, like Turbo
I wouldn’t even try doing anything to prevent it from catching me. I would just take the money and visit beautiful places around the world knowing my nemesis snail is not far behind also enjoying the sites. After a lifetime of adventures running from the snail I go back to the spot where the chase started. That’s when I finally let him catch me. I let him give me my painful death. Although it may not be the best ending for me, I die happy knowing it was him. It was him that finally ended me. I skipped marriage, I skipped a family, but I didn’t do it for me. I did it all for him. For us. For my snail and I. The one true friend I had. The one who always knew where I was. The one who cared.
Yeah when only one person cares only a little bit, the snail seems like a reasonable choice.
Username checks out. Quit your day job, travel the world, fall in love with your nemesis snail and die.
The snail finally touches you and….
Nothing. It’s been a gag on you all along.
Then you turn around and the real snail is behind you
That’s uh… very interesting.
The following is from the original thread:
All credit to u/dirkson
Okay let’s do this.
First things first - That million dollars is practically worthless compared to immortality. Ever dime of that cash can and should be spent ensuring that the snail never, ever reaches me.
First things first, I keep an eye on him. It's tempting to want to hop on a plane or a train and get as far away as possible. But once I do that, he's gone and I'll never see him again until 3am on July 14th, 2072, when the sneaky little cuss slips in the door and slimes onto me before I ever wake up and notice him No, I'm going to be within visual distance of the snail, slowly moving away from it, until Snail Containment Plan Part A is done.
Next I grab my phone. I call up someone I can trust with my life, and tell them to come to my location within the hour, and to bring a metal cash box, a good padlock, and a firearm. Once they arrive, I inform them of the deal and ask them to grab the snail, shove it into the metal box, and lock it up.
Once the snail is temporarily secured, I ask my friend to carry around the box, never letting it out of their sight, and to prevent its opening with as much force as is required. We arrive at some reasonable figure for this service - Maybe $50,000.
Now we can start in on the real work. I'm on the phone again, contracting with a tungsten machining service out of Willowbrook, IL. I ask them to construct for me a hollow tungsten sphere with a small, sealable opening, ideally via both exterior bolts and sintering. I ask them for a rush job and a thick wall depth, perhaps as much as a foot thick. The spherical shape should keep material costs as low as possible for a given thickness, but between the unusual object, large amount of tungsten, and speedy delivery, I invest a truly insane amount into this project - Let's say $100,000. I ask them to deliver it to my current location as fast as possible.
Once the tungsten ball arrives, I have my friend stand well away from me and transfer the snail into the center of the sphere. I ask them to pour a little salt down into the hole after it, just to give the snail a little reminder of who he's dealing with. Once snail and salt are both inside, we seal the hollow sphere with the bolts.
Tungsten is an amazing material. Incredibly tough, dense, and heat-resistant. You could drop it into molten lava and it wouldn't matter. Which, coincidentally, is almost what I'd like to do next.
Now we make sure that damn thing stays shut. I find the nearest metal refinery and call them up. I also contract with a heavy machinery moving company to move the tungsten sphere to the refinery. Once the refinery has sintered the tungsten sphere shut, I buy an entire industrial crucible (those big buckets) of molten iron. And the crucible the iron came in. I have them drop the tungsten sphere into the molten iron, and let the whole mass cool in place. Mr. Snaily snail ain't going anywhere, but I'm probably down another $100,000.
Now I'm on the phone to specialist movers. Chartering a boat. We're taking this thing halfway around the word. We take the boat right over the marianas trench - Not the deepest point, but deep enough - We push the whole assembly over the side. Literal tons of once-molten iron, refinery crucible, tungsten, salt, and snail slip over the side and begin dropping into the briny deep. Another $100,000 gone, but well worth the cost.
Good. That's bought me a little breathing room. But we're not anywhere close to done yet. I still have at least $500,000 left. I'm going to invest it into solid business ventures and slow growing but secure assets. We're building a fortune - And who cares if it takes a few centuries? I'm frickin' immortal baby!
But as I develop my fortune, it's getting invested into space. SpaceX, asteroid mining projects, whatever. I am trapped on the one planet in the entire universe where I can actually die, and I have no intention of staying there.
Over the millennia, I slowly apply my fortune and influence to push mankind to the stars. And the moment living on another planet becomes viable, I'm there. And the instant a habitable planet is around another star? I'm on the first generation ship heading that direction.
But I can't think in such a short sighted manner now. I'm immortal, and I need to think like it. Eventually, the sun is going to burn the earth to a crisp, and then that damn snail is going to be free. It might take him a few million years to land on something, but he'll do it eventually. And then he will construct a spacecraft and begin crawling towards me again.
What I care about now is lightcones and black holes. Earth's gotta go. Sorry whatever's left of humanity. We evacuate anyone still on the old planet, and use a gravity tractor to push Earth into a black hole. A nice, big one so that hawking radiation will take an incredibly long time to evaporate it away into nothing.
And then I board a ship. A fast ship. I accelerate to as close to lightspeed as I can get, piloting directly away from the black hole with the snail inside. I want to be so far away and moving so quickly that the heat death of the universe would occur far, far before the snail ever reaches me, even on the fastest ship his freakishly clever little brain can construct.
So that's the way the universe ends. With nothing it in except for infrared heat, one hyperintelligent snail suspended in an inky void, and one human screaming away from it at .99C.
The next comment is the best part: Decoy Snail.
Decoy snail became a small part of reddit history.
I can’t believe Decoy Snail wasn’t the top comment tbh
That comment, in all honesty, is probably my favourite Reddit comment of all time. Forget ["I also choose this guy's dead wife,"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/5c79n0/you_can_have_sex_with_one_real_person_from_all_of/d9uf56l/) or the ["Yeah... you like that, you fucking retard"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/1y6lhe/what_is_the_worst_thing_someone_has_said_to_you/cfhtedq/) story, or the ["The intent is to provide players with a sense of pride and accomplishment..."](https://www.reddit.com/r/StarWarsBattlefront/comments/7cff0b/seriously_i_paid_80_to_have_vader_locked/dppum98/?context=5) comment from EA for the downvoting into oblivion it got, or even the ["If he gets 400 gildings I'll eat a dick"](https://web.archive.org/web/20190806030257/https://old.reddit.com/r/leagueoflegends/comments/2lel5s/tsm_bjergsen_ama/clu14fx/) from the League of Legends sub. Just the simplicity of such a long, detailed plan defeated by a decoy snail.
"Putting Descartes before the whores" was the first legendary comment I remember.
Not to burst your bubble (or tungsten sphere), but in this version, we're not immortal. Just hiding from a snail for 50 years or so.
So not only a rip off but less fun. Got it.
This needs to be higher up! I knew this seemed oddly familiar
This is my favorite thing on reddit. Has been for years!
Easy. It takes 5 1/2 days for a snail to travel a mile, so in a year a snail can travel 66 miles. It would take the snail about 45 years to get across the US. So start with you and your stalker snail on one US coast, then buy a house and live on the other coast. Repeat every 40 years or so.
Sod US, I'm British! Think how of how much of Europe I could travel! And beyond!
Does Brexit put a kink in those plans?
Nah, does it shite - I still have a passport and a clean criminal record. Visas be easy 🤷♂️
Plus, I'll have £10mil - money talks, mothertucker!
Just want to remind you that it's $10mil that sign makes it most likely USD which is around £7.32 Million. That's still a lot though
This is the most British comment I've ever seen. The accent just slaps you in the face.
I think Europe is around the same size as the US if we’re being fair.
Assuming the snail is sentient or something, it could probably crawl onto a parked bus or inside a plane or something. I wouldn’t take the money just because I wouldn’t want to take the risk
Yeah but you don't know where the snail starts.
Can’t you just… put it in a box?
Exactly! I mean, the box will follow you, but you won't touch the snail! 😂
how will the box follow you
It’s a strong snail.
> the box will follow you
That alone is worth *way* more than $10M. A reactionless drive is the holy grail of spaceflight. Universe, here we come!
Soooo, a snail moves with an average of 0.048 km/h. The farthest distance between two points on this planet is around 20,000 km.
20,000 / 0.048 = 416667
416667 / 24 = 17,361
17,361 / 365 = 47.56
This means, I take the money. Move 20,000 km away from the snake an have my peace for around 47.56 years.
After 47 years, you decide to move back.
The snail was waiting for you the whole time, not following you. When you’re asleep, the snail crawls up onto your bed and kills you.
I was about to say it lol
Congratulations, you are now rich enough to install a moat around your house. A *saltwater* moat.
"Can't be killed"
Doesn’t mean it’s body has to properly work.
I’m pretty sure that’s the plot to the movie “It Follows”, without the money.
Also came here to say this. The demon follows (very slowly) and the only way to pass on who the demon follows is by having sex with someone else.
Have sex with someone on their way to their scheduled medically assisted death.
When they die, the demon keeps going back down the chain, and you would be a target again.
This is just a scenario from Rooster teeth million dollars but show
Yay Gav asked the question back when Burnie was still on…the good times
Rip Burnie Burns. Hard to believe he's really gone.
Geez, don't scare me like that. I've been out of the loop for so long that I thought he was actually dead.
This is literally the question gavin first came up with that inspired the show.
There's an rtaa and everything
Yeah I thought it was one of Gavin‘s
Came here to say this.
I was gonna say, this sounds exactly like some shit Gavin would say
I'd be salting my doors and windows faster than you could say "hello moose"
"Hello moose" 😂
That was such a hilarious r/AskReddit thread
The movie is called *It Follows* and the $10 million is sex. Also the snail is invisible unless you did the sex.
That’s exactly what I thought. I guess you also can’t get the snail the follow someone else in this scenario but still.
"Good luck with the snail!"
Info: what effect does salt have on the snail?
Nothing, I guess - it can't die 🤷♂️
Then we're fine, all the world's billionaires are going to track and trap it to try to find out how it became an immortal.
Just put a jar over it lol
That was my plan, so yea it should work.
Get a friend to put it In a jar then it won't be able to get to you
But will the jar still follow? 🤔
I dont get how it would move thr jar cuz it's just an immortal snail not a super powered snail
This is not oddly specific, but yes, I would take the money. It's a fucking snail. I'll move to other side of the globe and it wouldn't reach me before I died. Unless you're leaving out the part where it would know how to hitch rides and shit. But hell, truth be told I'd take it if the snail was right next to me. Get a friend to put it in a bucket and fill it with epoxy. Make a nice ball with it and thank it every day on my way out of the house. Have it on the table beside my deathbed. You get the point.
This was stolen from rooster teeth podcast.
Gavin Free said it
I was going to say live at the ocean. 🤣🤣🤣
This is stolen from a rooster teeth show called a million dollars but...